Friday, January 8, 2010

bad day

I need a boost right now. I'm feeling fat, ugly, stupid, & useless. I know the fat is from giving birth 6 weeks ago. The ugly is just something I deal w/ a lot of the time - its worse now b/c I'm almost completely bald & feel swollen. The stupidity is from the chemo - I can't even put Rachel's diaper on right. The useless is from exhaustion. I'm also having issues w/ my feet that I don't understand. It feels like a combination of my feet getting smashed, 'waking up' from being 'asleep', tremendously swollen, and cramping. Its really painful - sometimes it hurts too much to walk. Of course, try explaining that to a hungry 6 week old!

I hate complaining b/c I know it could be much worse. I actually looked at myself finally in the mirror last night/today. Talk about a shock. Anyway, I'm trying to keep my chin up, but sometimes its too heavy! that's when I rely on you guys. You guys help me tremendously by offering me kind words, prayers, inspiration, and cyber hugs. I hope you guys know what all that means to me.

I'm not doing anything any one of you guys wouldn't do if you were in my shoes. Its just that I got the opportunity & you didn't. Things like this bring out the best in people, even if you don't think you have it in you. I'll admit that I am generally too stubborn to show or talk about pain, but that doesn't make me strong. That makes me prideful. I'm trying to swallow my pride and allow others to help me. Even if its just by sharing my discomfort and asking for a hug (even a cyber one), its hard for me. I'm a very private person (although from this blog you'd probably never guess it) and its hard for me to share my feelings - especially when I believe them to be useless...


Janine said...

I know (or can imagine, I suppose) it's rough, Erika. You are a fighter. Keep that chin up and don't look in the mirror (when you feel this way it makes it worse). We all have fat, ugly, stupid are none of those. What you see in that mirror is more how you feel than how you truly look to others. We still see you as stong, beautiful, and a wonderful mommy.

Aussie Therese said...

You have been through so much that I really cannot imagine not feeling the way you do.

Here is a cyber hug for you.


Krystal L. said...

Hey girl! I haven't talked to you in a while but I know you've got alot going on. Rachel is too cute and growing so quickly! Of course they always do! That's great that your halfway through chemo. This will be all behind you soon but I can't even imagine how long and painful it must be for you and your family. I can only pray that my child, husband, me, or anyone I love dearly ever has to go through what you are going through. Stay strong! You've made it this far so don't give up! You've got to many babies who need ya!

Anonymous said...

Just visiting your blog from the Feb 08 baby boards. I have to tell you that you don't look ugly in the photos you've posted. Not at all! I didnt have a baby 6 weeks ago, I am not fighting cancer, I am not enduring chemo or taking meds, and my feet work just fine (despite being dry and gross looking) but I need to spend at least 1/2 hour every morning to look quasi photo worthy. I'd look a mess if I were you! You look fantastic. Honest! :)

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Smiling already at 2 weeks
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And two shall become one...

And two shall become one...
In 2006, Andrew & I became one before God and family! Shortly thereafter we became 3 with the birth of Simon in 2008... Then 4 with the addition of Rachel in 2009!

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