Disappointed...

I just found out to day from the plastic surgeon that I won't be able to use my own tissue to reconstruct my breasts after surgery. I don't have enough abdominal fat. Even though I just had a baby 2 months ago, I'm too thin to have my breasts reconstructed from my abdominal fat.

This is probably where I'm going to get offensive, so... If you're prone to getting your feelings hurt, you should probably stop reading NOW.

I don't want to hear the jokes like, 'I've got plenty - I'll donate mine.' or anything either. I don't want people saying/thinking, 'Why are you whining you've got a flat belly?' I don't even want the cute comments of 'Go to the donut store/etc & eat lots.' To be completely honest, I don't want anything but a bit of sympathy for my situation.

I want to look NORMAL. Not like a Barbie doll or some skinny chick who got a boob job to try to look better. Instead I have 3 options: 1 - (the most viable) is implants, 2 - no reconstruction, and 3 - no surgery at all (least viable). I'm pretty sure that I won't be comfortable with myself if I don't at least have something there, so I'm going for the implants. The thing is that I really don't want to look like I've had a boob job. I mean REALLY don't want to. I don't want to go for a month (or more) with tissue expanders that don't even look real. I don't want to live w/ the over-expanded balloons on my chest for at least 3 months (according to the surgeon). I don't want to have to have another surgery to replace the expanders with the implants. I don't want ANY of that to happen. However, I'm stuck w/ things the way they are.

Before you go off thinking that I had unrealistic expectations and/or I should just be happy that I get to have reconstruction, let me tell you what I knew/thought before I went in. I knew there was a possibility of not having enough tissue (read back a few posts & you'll see me say just that). However, from the books & photographs of real women who'd had the procedure, I thought I was ok. I am also happy that any type of reconstruction is available for me. I know what non-reconstructed chests look like and I don't know that I could live with that.

However, those of you that really know me should realize that my main goal in life is to be that natural, normal, happy woman that guys & girls alike feel comfortable talking to and laughing with. I don't try to be skinny - I eat like a horse most of the time. I don't wear skimpy clothes or wear lots of make-up. I ride horses as a form of entertainment. If I have one pair of shoes that hasn't been out in the horse-lot I must have just bought them & never worn them anywhere. I try to get along with everyone by cracking jokes if necessary (they're usually un-funny, but sometimes that makes them funnier), giving comfort if necessary, etc.

I'm also more than a little obsessive compuslive and get out of whack if plans change. Sometimes even something as small as parking in a different area (like at my work) can leave me feeling a bit out-of-sorts. Yeah, I know I should probably get some medication/treatment for that. So that OCD aspect of me is one of the big reasons this has upset me so much. Just imagine if you can, how much just my diagnosis screwed w/ me w/ my OCD and desire to be normal. Can you say, "FAT CHANCE!"?

Tomorrow I meet w/ the breast surgeon and have more tests (see previous post for my actual schedule). Hopefully, I won't find out anything else that messes with my mind.

Go SAINTS!

I'm not a football fan & I'm not typically a New Orleans kind of gal, but I was rooting for the Saints. Yippee! I'm thinking that the Saints winning can be taken as a sign of good things to come. After-all, the saints are people we emulate as Catholics/Christians. I know I've been wearing St. Peregrine out in my prayers!

Andrew & I are all packed & ready to head out early tomorrow. The kids are already with their respective grandparents. Simon is with Brenda - my mother-in-law. Rachel is with my mom & dad. Hopefully they won't forget us while we're gone. We'll probably be leaving around 6 am and hopefully arriving around 730 pm (still Central time). Andrew is a good driver, so I'll be reading in the passenger seat. Here's the run-down of what I know is happening this trip.

Monday

Drive all day

Tuesday

845 am Meet w/ the plastic surgeon. At this meeting I'll hopefully find out that I'll be able to do the reconstruction I want. I should also be able to get some idea of how long the surgery will take. I'll also find out what size I'll be able to be.

320 pm Mammogram

Wednesday

900 am Meet w/ the breast oncology surgeon. At this meeting I'll find out more details of what they're removing and how long the surgery will take.

1100 am Blood tests

1130 am Chest X-ray

1230 pm Ultrasound

Thursday

1230 pm Ultrasound

115 pm Anesthesia evaluation

230 pm Meet w/ gynecology oncologist. At this meeting I'll find out more about when/if I have to have a hysterectomy. Hopefully I'll also address some of my questions regarding my risks of ovarian cancer and hysterectomy side-effects.

300 pm Meet w/ Dr. L (breast oncologist). I'm not really sure what this will be about since I'm finished w/ chemo, but...

330 pm Blood tests

Friday

Drive all day

I plan on trying to update the blog & my facebook. However, I don't know if I will feel like it or have time. So keep the prayers coming & check in on the blog. Thanks!

Also, since Lenten time is growing nearer I'm trying to get geared up. I'm going to miss part of it, but I'm going to try to do a few things. Here's my biggie: Go to Confession. I'm hoping to get in the habit of doing it more often. Here's a good examination of conscience and general guide for Confession. Even if you're not Catholic, Lent is the best time to try to prepare yourself for God. He sacrificed so much for us during Lent, we should sacrifice some for Him!

Busy week

We had a busy week this week. Wednesday we went down to Madisonville to visit my co-workers. Simon was a big hit b/c he's grown so much. He's able to entertain everyone w/ his words & actions. Of course, he's so shy (NOT!) he doesn't say anything... Actually we couldn't get him quiet for them to actually do work! Rachel amazed them all b/c she's already so big. They teased me & told me she was already half-grown since this is the first time they've seen her.

Its weird to go down there now. Its been so long since I've been there to work (July 30 was my last day). There have been 2 new hires (both women Thank God!) and my partner (other biologist) is now full-time in Madisonville. One of the mainstays of the lab has moved to another lab (yep, Joe, I called you a mainstay). One of the other guys has gone & gotten married! I guess everything else is pretty much the same, but its just weird to go there & not actually have the responsibility of working!

As if that didn't wear me down enough, we had James & his entourage (Jen & Vickie) over on Thursday. Simon & James had a wonderful time playing w/ Simon's various toys. James even let Simon tackle him repeatedly - even though Simon outweighs him by at least 5 lbs! We had lunch together and everything. We even had Rachel for a little bit of entertaining.

Today was a relaxing day - except Rachel apparently didn't get the memo. When I got to mom's this afternoon they told me that she got up at 2, 4, and finally 6 am. That's not typical for her. At least lucky for me (Thank God) mom & dad had her not me. So when I got there she had made a mess all over herself, so she got a wardrobe change first thing. Then she decided that she didn't want to sleep or be quiet - she wanted to be held while I stood! I wasn't allowed to sit or lay, just stand! We can't decide if she's feeling better or worse. She's also eating more, so we're leaning toward her feeling better.

Of course, now, Simon seems like he's not feeling as well. His nose is running clear & he's coughing a little. He's also sleeping a whole lot! I actually had to wake him up from his nap at 430 pm. That's really unusual! He's also really sensitive. Even watching a cartoon where the characters are in 'danger' is making him ask us to change the channel. For anyone w/ a little one that loves vehicles - I highly recommend Bigfoot Presents: Meteor and the Mighty Monster Trucks. Simon absolutely loves it! I'm feeling a little scratchy myself, but I'm pretty happy regardless!

Andrew is glad the work-week is over. He's worked really hard this week to get things in order before we leave for Houston. Its hard that we're going to be gone for so much of February. We're really going to have to hurry back for Simon's birthday next weekend. Then we're just going to have to turn around & leave again. :-( My poor babies are going to live with mom & dad (said sarcastically & w/ pity for myself not them). Actually, its probably poor mom & dad to have to put up w/ both my kiddos when they're not feeling 100%. Since they're so great they say they're glad to do it! I love my parents to death!

Play date

I'm exhausted from our playdate with James ( Jennifer Tinsley Tuck & Vickie Tinsley ). We had a great time. I'm paying for it now. Simon went to bed with absolutely no fuss! He was so tired, but so happy! Thank goodness for my mom again! She's got Rachel just in case she wakes up in the night! I just woke up again, but I'm ...going back to sleep for the rest of the night!

Coming closer...

I just now realized that in just a little over 2 weeks I'll be having my surgery. Really, this week is the last week I have 'free' before my surgery. I'm not quite as freaked out as I was, but I'm still a bit nervous.

Rachel gave dad her snots. He's feeling bad right now.

Simon is loving life as always!

Still hanging in there...

Rachel's doctor's appointment went well. She weighs 12 lbs (75 percentile) and is 24 inches long (90 percentile). She's still coughing & sounds pretty bad, but he said that's likely to last until Valentine's day. :-( However, she's eating about 5-6 oz a meal right now and still sleeping through the night... So she must not be bothered too much.

My allergic reaction (all over itching) seems to be taming down. However, I feel like my fingers & toes may have gotten a little worse. Since I'm on such crazy sleep-inducing drugs (Benadryl & Lortab) in addition to the overwhelming weariness the chemo causes in general, mom & dad have been keeping Rachel over night for us. I feel kind of bad about giving her to them, but they assure me there's no problem. She's loving it anyway!

Simon & I played in the snow both days this weekend. We've got some great shots thanks to our photographer (mom). He had a blast plowing through the snow & face planting (on purpose)! We built Rachel her 1st snow man since Simon had one around this time too. Its tradition! Hope everyone else is having a great time!

Bleh...

Well, I had an allergic reaction to the Taxotere Monday night and into Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm on steroids now to control it. I took enough Benadryl to make myself pass out for close to 36 hours! This reaction cemented my decision to go ahead w/ my surgery on the 19th. Plus I spoke to one of the chemo nurses about the reason behind another chemo treatment. She indicated that Dr. M likes over-kill. She said that if he had any doubts about me still having cancer cells in my body he wouldn't back down & let me skip this last treatment. Since he did - pretty easily - she said that he thought I was probably fine w/ just the surgery. So even though the surgery is still freaking me out somewhat I've at least got a plan I feel I can stick with.

Rachel is still sick, but seems to be feeling better. We're still giving her the breathing treatments and suctioning her nose out pretty frequently. She's also has backed off her formula a bit, but she's still taking 5 oz per meal. Not too bad for a 2 month old! She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we'll see what he has to say about her condition.

Prayer request...

Even if you don't know these people....Prayer is the best gift you can give to someone...and it's free.... Urgent Prayer Request: Emmalee Bowlds, 5 months, daughter of Kristie and Andy, diagnosed with a malignant chest area mass. She is at Kosairs, awaiting a treatment decision. Kristie says.................. the more prayer intervention the better!

I'm confused. Last chemo the Dr. said this treatment would be my last & to schedule my surgery ASAP. I did so. Now he wants to do another chemo & reschedule the surgery after he switched chemo drugs?!?!?!

I've already fired off emails to my oncologist & surgeon at MD Anderson for their take. So far I've gotten a reply from the oncologist & her opinion is to take the last chemo as long as it doesn't push my surgery date back too far. So now I'm waiting to hear how quickly I can get another surgery date.

I wish these people would a) make up their minds and b) talk to each other w/o putting me in the middle. I just want the end result to be good. I don't really need to know the specifics except for when to be where & for how long. I really hate trying to schedule w/ one doctor based on what the other one said, then having to back-track. I'm sure they just think I'm a hot-headed idiot who's messing the doctor's preference up... :-( I just want to be finished, so I'm pushing for the surgery staying on the 19th. Its the plan I've accepted & now changing it is causing my OCD to flare up big time!

Rachel is having trouble too. This RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) is kicking her cute little pink bottom. Breathing treatments and watered down formula to try to make sure she drinks plenty. She's lost weight since Friday. :-( My poor little girl is miserable, but still smiling & talking when she's able. She has another appointment (this was for her 2 month well-baby visit) on Friday. He's going to re-evaluate & decide if she gets vaccinated or not.

Goodie, but sitll a downer...

Well, silly me... I just figured out that tomorrow is my last chemo! I've been so caught up with not feeling well, Rachel being sick (she's still sick by the way & goes for a check-up tomorrow while I'm doing my chemo), and worrying needlessly over my surgery that it slipped my mind.

Its weird to think that 6 months ago I didn't know I had cancer. Then a couple days after my birthday I was diagnosed. A few days after that we found out our new baby was going to be a girl. Sad to say, the cancer diagnosis put a significant damper on our baby news. Then within 1o days of diagnosis we were in Houston getting top-notch advice. Less than a month from diagnosis I started my first chemo treatment when I was 6 months pregnant. Fast forward 3 fairly uneventful months to Rachel's uncomplicated and much publicized arrival on Thanksgiving day (and Andrew's birthday). Now Rachel is 8 weeks old & I'm getting ready to have my final chemo and less than a month away from major surgery - bilateral mastectomy (both boobies) with reconstruction from my own tissue (belly fat). Geez, time really does fly when you're out of it!

Hopefully, 6 months from now I'll be able to look back and not remember the bad parts. I'm grateful to all of you who've read my rants and whines and still continued praying, complimenting, and above-all showing support. I couldn't be more grateful for my wonderful husband. He's been a rock - even when it seems he's sitting like a stone. I couldn't have made it this far without my awesome mom. She's been-there-done-that, yet still accepts and anticipates that things are different for me. Of course, my dad is always there too - he's taken a more backseat, but I think he's been a very strong support to Andrew even w/o them ever really talking about it. I'm also grateful for my in-laws (yes - finally someone w/ something good to say about their in-laws). They've helped with the kids and with money when its tight. They also lend a caring and kind shoulder when necessary - even when its not taken it counts.

All-in-all I think this chapter in my life is going to lead to great things. Perhaps not terribly obvious things, but if even one woman out there now knows that she can go through chemo while she's pregnant - it was worth it. If one child is saved the horror of unnecessary abortion - it was worth it. If someone is inspired to do something generous, kind, etc - it was worth it. Basically, I'm thinking the ripple effect of a no-body from KY getting cancer while pregnant, could in a very vast way affect a large number of people in a positive way. That's why I've felt called to be so exceptionally up-beat and open about the whole process. I feel that's the least I can do for God since he's given me this curse that is mine to turn into a blessing. I hope I've done what He intended.