Tuesday, May 6, 2014

I'm Just Human...

You know how sometimes you read a comment on FaceBook or a blog post (or listen to the homily at Mass) and think whoever is 'speaking' is looking directly at you. Well, I just recently had that feeling reading a blog post. I've spent a large portion of my life being judged by others to be too 'judgemental' or 'holier-than-thou' or a 'goody two shoes'. So when I happen across something that paints my position on a subject as 'judge mental' my first thought is that I'm the one being judged and found wanting. Even people who theoretically 'know' me well see me as fitting the mold of the terms previously mentioned. Even people who know how I agonize over practically every word to avoid insulting or hurting someone think I'm at least a stick-in-the-mud. I have a friend on a social game that thinks I can't or won't curse/cuss because I am too conservative and/or holy to do so. 

It's true that I try to show myself in the best light possible as far as morals go. However, I never think I'm perfect or incapable of wrong. I just try to listen to the soft silent voice of my conscience. I try to look on the bright side of people, their actions, their words, and the world in general. I am passionate about my beliefs and morals, but I don't expect everyone to agree with me. When I say, "I'll pray for you." I really mean it and not in a sarcastic way. To this day I can vividly recall instances where I was maligned and 'judged' but in truth the person that was maligned and 'judged' was not the true me. I still cry at times when I think of the way my work-life was terminated and the lies and exaggerations that are written in black-and-white. I still wonder if there was anything else I could have done to prevent such a sad end to my career. 

I sometimes look back on friendships I had in the past that ended poorly and wonder if things could have turned out differently. I replay conversations in my head constantly trying to figure out the sticking point and point of disagreement that caused the discussion to go awry. I truly strive to present myself in the best light as possible, but also to view others in the best light possible as well. 

I'm sure some people are tired of hearing about how my cancer changed my life (and not necessarily for the better). I'm sure there are people who think that is all I think about and that I just constantly need pity or sympathy in order to function. I'm sure some people think my cries for modesty, conservative values, and traditional mindset stems from my desire to judge, control, and inhibit others. Some people have painted a very negative picture of me in their mind that nothing I do can erase. 

The truth is that I have been irrevocably changed by my cancer experience. I strive to live a Godly life inwardly and outwardly. My concern for others is based on a true desire for them to see Heaven. None of this means I don't fail sometimes. It would be ridiculous to say or think otherwise. I'm human just like everyone else. Sometimes my opinions, like armpits, stink. Often I am insecure enough to need someone to say they understand me or sympathize with me. Occasionally I need to be reminded of the blessings in my life. We all do. 


Doreena W. said...

I only know you through FB, but I've always thought you to be a strong person who has deep beliefs & convictions that you stand by always. That doesn't make you "holier-than-thou" in my opinion, but there are those who would have you feel that way. They are the ones who have the distinction of being too judgmental.

It's human nature to have what ifs in life whether it's about decisions we've made, words that were spoken, etc. Friendships coming to an end naturally make one wonder what went wrong & could I have handled anything differently. I know that the loss of your job must still hurt. I don't know the details, nor do I need to. It must hurt to lose a job in such a negative way after being through everything that you'd already endured.

The truth is....cancer does irrevocably change one's life. Nothing is ever the same after you've been handed that diagnosis. Sure some of us are luckier than others with the extent of the disease and how it affects our life, but it's always present no matter what. For me, the fear of recurrence is always there. I try to put it out of my mind in order to "live" my life. But every ache, sore, etc. is an alarm of sorts and you wonder if it's cancer related. At least that's how it is with me. I have this sore that comes & goes in my nose which I blame on allergies & sinuses. It always goes away after I doctor it with Neosporin, but that nagging doubt of what if it's something else never completely goes away. If I get a bruise & don't remember how.... I worry. Simply put I worry a lot. Even the simple things in life aren't simple once cancer darkens your door. Having opted for a prosthetic over reconstruction, I can't begin to tell you what a nightmare it is to find & buy a swimsuit! No more walking in Walmart or Target to get one. How I wish that all that bothered me with swimsuit shopping was my out of shape & a tad overweight body!

I didn't mean to ramble on so, but your blog stood out to me this morning. I wanted you to know that not everyone judges you. I admire you, your faith, and how you stand strong in your beliefs. Yes we are all human & are gonna fail sometimes. It's life. Thanks for sharing yours. Thanks for reminding me to count my blessings in life.....

Sent from my iPhone

Birgit Jones said...

I completely agree with everything Doreena has shared. It's a fear we all share - to one extent or the other...not just the fear of cancer, but the fear of judgment. How ironic that those who judge us are being so judgmental themselves but seem oblivious to the obvious! One helpful thing to remember is that we live, not for others, but for Jesus. His judgment will ultimately be the only one that matters.

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