Thursday, September 1, 2011

Rejected & somewhat dejected...

I'm going through a phase right now. It's not a particularly good phase, but a phase none-the-less... I'm being rejected by my children (age 3 & 21 months) in favor of my husband. Sometimes I don't exist to them at all, sometimes I am the object of their disdain, and other times I am the cause of their melt-downs. I'm dejected by this rejection as well as my life in general right now. As I said, it's not a good phase.

Honestly, for the most part, I am so wrapped up in my own struggles that I don't pay enough attention to everyone else. Oh, I am physically present & say the right words face-to-face, but when it comes time to later pray or think of someone, I'm so focused on myself (my health/wellness) that I forget the concerns of others. I participate in my family, but I am secretly relieved by the moments of peace I get when I'm the only one in the house. I ask about my co-workers, but tend to forget their issues in the face of mine.

However, this time is also one of reflection. Even as I say I'm focused inwards, a part of me continues to pester and pry philisophical thoughts from my soul. Just last night after being rejected once again by my children -- to the point of their tears and snotty noses that only daddy could resolve -- I laid down in bed and thought, "Man, this sucks... OMgoodness, this must be how God feels all the time when we reject him."

I can't get that thought out of my mind. Every time I want a cuddle with my children but I'm met with a shrill "No" pronounced while said child walks (or runs) away, I'm reminded that God feels this way when I intentionally sin. Even when the rejection is more subtle, a fall followed by a cry for daddy even though I'm the only one present, the result is the same. Again, God feels this way every time we let slip an expletive without thought or unconsciously do something we know to be against Him. Even more subtle are the times when my children act as if I just don't exist at all. There's no obvious rejection, but the knowledge that I work so hard to maintain our family (financially, emotionally, and mentally), but am ignored in preference to my husband. Now the realization that God feels the same pain I do when I neglect to say my daily prayers, praise Him for my blessings (including my daddy-obsessed children), etc.

It's heart-rending to know that *I* can cause (and have caused) God the same heart-ache my children cause me. Of course, this knowledge does nothing to mitigate the dejection I feel. However, isn't the first step admitting you have a problem? Hopefully, I'm on the path to resolving my problems simply by first admitting to them. Afterall, this is just a phase, right?

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