Here I Am, This is Me

I'm new to this, so you'll have to cut me some slack... I'm not always consistent, a good speller, or even a good writer. However, I think everyone has something to say and that someone somewhere wants to hear it. I just hope you want to hear what I have to say!

Inspiration comes from many different areas. Sometimes you're sitting in your chair zoned out, sometimes you're washing dishes or laundry, sometimes you're sleeping, etc... You get the point. Anyway, at first I was just going through my emails kind of mindlessly. I saw one from my mom that contained a link. However, my computer wouldn't load the link. That just frustrated me endlessly. Since I'm quite persistent and fairly adept at working with the internet, I finally found the article she was trying to show me... a blog from Momopoly. That was when my first inspiration hit me... Blogging can good for the soul!

Then the self-doubt hit me... I can't blog. I have sentences that are 3-4 lines long (typed). I'm wordy and preachy. Then I thought some more. I can do it. I've got an analytical brain. I am much better at expressing myself w/ written/typed words than in person. I like educating people - even when the topic is off the wall. Then the doubts came back. Basically, it was a like I had 2 mini-me's on my shoulder - one was the encourager, the other was my pessimist. I decided I'd let the Holy Spirit referee their dual while I continued w/ my work.

As I drove home from work that day, the mini-me's continued their dual, but the Holy Spirit wasn't done w/ me yet. I was searching for entertainment on my commute and dug through my CDs until I came upon "Spirit - Stallion of the Cimmaron" the soundtrack. I know - I'm 27 years old and still listen to cartoon movie soundtracks (actually I own the movie too) - grow up. As I listened to the songs (Bryan Adams rocks!) I actually heard them as though the Spirit were moving me to not only listen to the words, but apply it to my daily struggles of faith.

Funny coinicidence? I think not. I think the Holy Spirit was nudging me. Granted I've heard commentary on the movie saying that it was all about how bad the white men were and how good the animals and Indians (Native Americans) were. However, if you look at the message through the words of the songs and the feelings it creates, you get a far different picture. "Here I am, this is me..." Those are the 1st words to the 1st song. The 1st 3 words are found in the Bible in that exact order (and in countless hymns). Much of the Bible deals with accepting people (and situations) as they are and yourself for who you are. Sounds inspirational to me! When I heard this song, I felt my heart open up and my pessimist falling off my shoulder - losing the battle to my encourager.

I continued listening to the CD and felt the various songs move me into understanding better how we are all niave, young, foolish beings who are searching for Something. We have pitfalls along the way. We make mistakes. We open our hearts to new things. We learn new ideas. We appreciate what we have. However, if we can just say to God "Here I am, this is me" we can acheive that Something (I like to think my Something is Heaven).

This morning, I again continued listening to the CD. I remembered how I felt when I heard some of the songs for the 1st time. I had recently lost my fiance to cancer at the tender age of 21. I was devastated and heartbroken. I thought I would never find anyone else like him to like me for me. I haven't found any one like him. I found someone completely different. I married him. My husband accepts me for who I am, but he constantly challenges me to be better (although I don't always see it at the time). He loves me for my failings as much, if not more, than my successes. He keeps my pride in check, but knows how to cheer me when I'm down. When I opened my heart up the 1st time like the song says "Here I am, this is me" he accepted me. I accepted him as well. Neither of us ever thought we'd find someone to spend the rest of our lives with, but we did. God works in mysterious ways!

Now I look back at my life and hope that I've lived my life with the true meaning of opening myself to God by saying "Here I am, this is me. Work with what I am to make me pleasing to you. I know you'll take care of me. I want to be with you forever. Please hear me and know this is where I belong."