Not as bad today

I seem to have somewhat recovered from my bad news yesterday. I'm still not happy with it, but I'm learning to accept it. Something that people that know me realize is that I resist change in all its fashions. Heck, when I was 7 or 8 they switched school buses on me & I actually cried. The driver, route, and fellow students on the bus were the same, but the bus itself was different. I'm OCD - its kind of hard to get around that. Anyway, at this point, the fake boobs will have to be ok. Maybe by the time they need replacement (usually w/n 10 years) I'll have enough belly fat to do the other reconstruction. If I'm lucky, they may even have a better method by then!

Today we spoke w/ the breast surgeon. She was very informative. She said that since I'm young & such complications should be minimal. She also gave me a choice that I wasn't aware I'd have... (this might be TMI) She can use 'new' technology and spare my nipples. That way I get to keep what I have visibly, but reduce the chances of cancer by taking out all the stuffing. We're leaving it up to the plastic surgeon at the time of surgery as to whether that is truly viable or not (a lot depends on asthetics at that point). However, when I look down I'll be seeing as much of 'me' as possible instead of some creation. The breast surgeon said I was a good candidate for that b/c of the placement of my original tumor and age. She said there was *very* little risk of any cancerous cells getting left behind. I think if I'd have been able to have the reconstruction I wanted I'd have forgone the nipple sparing, but I think maybe this will help me feel like I look like myself.

One troubling thing that the breast surgeon (she's an oncological surgeon) said was about possible radiation. I think that may be a standard CYA talk that she gave me, but it worries me none-the-less. Radiation would be used if they find any more cancer cells within the tissue they remove.

She also worried me a bit w/ my lymph nodes. She said that since my original tumor/scar is so far into my armpit (axilla) it can disrupt their methods for finding what they call my sentinal lymph nodes. They examine these lymph nodes for cancer b/c they generally the ones that are closest (as far as drainage is concerned) to the tumor. With the placement of my tumor/scar in relation to where lymph nodes are found, their is an increased chance of not finding the right nodes and/or getting false negative readings from the nodes they find. There's a decent chance that I'll have to have all my primary & secondary lymph nodes removed during surgery. They don't like to take chances w/ leaving cancerous ones in the body. Removal of these lymph nodes may decrease my cancer risk, but it leaves me wide open to lymphendema - swelling of the arm & sometimes chest - for the rest of my life. Basically what happens in lymphendema is that if I get a cut/scratch on my affected arm/side instead of the infection/inflammatory response draining properly it gets hung up in my arm & chest b/c the lymph nodes aren't there to filter & clear it. I don't think lymphendema is life threatening most of the time, more of an irritation and concern.

Tomorrow I meet w/ the gynecology oncologist and w/ Dr. L again. I also have more tests. Right now I'm feeling pretty positive that I'll be able to convince the gynecology oncologist to remove my ovaries/etc post-haste. If there's good reason (besides my youth and other such minor concerns) I'll keep them. However, I'm completely paranoid about getting ovarian cancer next. Although I'd love to have more children, I much prefer to live for the children I already have. The problem is that ovarian cancer is usually not detected until it is in the late stages. By the time its detected the survival rate is only 25%. They're working on finding out new/good ways to detect ovarian cancer, but so far I don't think they're having a whole lot of luck. While surgical menopause at 28 doesn't sound like a great option, neither does living in fear of ovarian cancer and quite possibly dying of it at a young age. I think I'm going to go for living w/ early surgical menopause rather than taking the risk. Of course, part of that is also my OCD coming out. I just want to be finished w// this worry of cancer - NOW. I want things to go back to their ordered normal ways. I'm not much of a risk-taker...

Thanks for the prayers & thoughts.

Disappointed...

I just found out to day from the plastic surgeon that I won't be able to use my own tissue to reconstruct my breasts after surgery. I don't have enough abdominal fat. Even though I just had a baby 2 months ago, I'm too thin to have my breasts reconstructed from my abdominal fat.

This is probably where I'm going to get offensive, so... If you're prone to getting your feelings hurt, you should probably stop reading NOW.

I don't want to hear the jokes like, 'I've got plenty - I'll donate mine.' or anything either. I don't want people saying/thinking, 'Why are you whining you've got a flat belly?' I don't even want the cute comments of 'Go to the donut store/etc & eat lots.' To be completely honest, I don't want anything but a bit of sympathy for my situation.

I want to look NORMAL. Not like a Barbie doll or some skinny chick who got a boob job to try to look better. Instead I have 3 options: 1 - (the most viable) is implants, 2 - no reconstruction, and 3 - no surgery at all (least viable). I'm pretty sure that I won't be comfortable with myself if I don't at least have something there, so I'm going for the implants. The thing is that I really don't want to look like I've had a boob job. I mean REALLY don't want to. I don't want to go for a month (or more) with tissue expanders that don't even look real. I don't want to live w/ the over-expanded balloons on my chest for at least 3 months (according to the surgeon). I don't want to have to have another surgery to replace the expanders with the implants. I don't want ANY of that to happen. However, I'm stuck w/ things the way they are.

Before you go off thinking that I had unrealistic expectations and/or I should just be happy that I get to have reconstruction, let me tell you what I knew/thought before I went in. I knew there was a possibility of not having enough tissue (read back a few posts & you'll see me say just that). However, from the books & photographs of real women who'd had the procedure, I thought I was ok. I am also happy that any type of reconstruction is available for me. I know what non-reconstructed chests look like and I don't know that I could live with that.

However, those of you that really know me should realize that my main goal in life is to be that natural, normal, happy woman that guys & girls alike feel comfortable talking to and laughing with. I don't try to be skinny - I eat like a horse most of the time. I don't wear skimpy clothes or wear lots of make-up. I ride horses as a form of entertainment. If I have one pair of shoes that hasn't been out in the horse-lot I must have just bought them & never worn them anywhere. I try to get along with everyone by cracking jokes if necessary (they're usually un-funny, but sometimes that makes them funnier), giving comfort if necessary, etc.

I'm also more than a little obsessive compuslive and get out of whack if plans change. Sometimes even something as small as parking in a different area (like at my work) can leave me feeling a bit out-of-sorts. Yeah, I know I should probably get some medication/treatment for that. So that OCD aspect of me is one of the big reasons this has upset me so much. Just imagine if you can, how much just my diagnosis screwed w/ me w/ my OCD and desire to be normal. Can you say, "FAT CHANCE!"?

Tomorrow I meet w/ the breast surgeon and have more tests (see previous post for my actual schedule). Hopefully, I won't find out anything else that messes with my mind.

Go SAINTS!

I'm not a football fan & I'm not typically a New Orleans kind of gal, but I was rooting for the Saints. Yippee! I'm thinking that the Saints winning can be taken as a sign of good things to come. After-all, the saints are people we emulate as Catholics/Christians. I know I've been wearing St. Peregrine out in my prayers!

Andrew & I are all packed & ready to head out early tomorrow. The kids are already with their respective grandparents. Simon is with Brenda - my mother-in-law. Rachel is with my mom & dad. Hopefully they won't forget us while we're gone. We'll probably be leaving around 6 am and hopefully arriving around 730 pm (still Central time). Andrew is a good driver, so I'll be reading in the passenger seat. Here's the run-down of what I know is happening this trip.

Monday

Drive all day

Tuesday

845 am Meet w/ the plastic surgeon. At this meeting I'll hopefully find out that I'll be able to do the reconstruction I want. I should also be able to get some idea of how long the surgery will take. I'll also find out what size I'll be able to be.

320 pm Mammogram

Wednesday

900 am Meet w/ the breast oncology surgeon. At this meeting I'll find out more details of what they're removing and how long the surgery will take.

1100 am Blood tests

1130 am Chest X-ray

1230 pm Ultrasound

Thursday

1230 pm Ultrasound

115 pm Anesthesia evaluation

230 pm Meet w/ gynecology oncologist. At this meeting I'll find out more about when/if I have to have a hysterectomy. Hopefully I'll also address some of my questions regarding my risks of ovarian cancer and hysterectomy side-effects.

300 pm Meet w/ Dr. L (breast oncologist). I'm not really sure what this will be about since I'm finished w/ chemo, but...

330 pm Blood tests

Friday

Drive all day

I plan on trying to update the blog & my facebook. However, I don't know if I will feel like it or have time. So keep the prayers coming & check in on the blog. Thanks!

Also, since Lenten time is growing nearer I'm trying to get geared up. I'm going to miss part of it, but I'm going to try to do a few things. Here's my biggie: Go to Confession. I'm hoping to get in the habit of doing it more often. Here's a good examination of conscience and general guide for Confession. Even if you're not Catholic, Lent is the best time to try to prepare yourself for God. He sacrificed so much for us during Lent, we should sacrifice some for Him!