Simon Says.. Rachel Does.. I Follow

Commuting at 73 Prayers a Trip

2012-01-31T08:00:00.001-06:00

I've decided to use my 35 mile commute to the best advantage... Instead of sleepily listening to music or the news on my commute, I have made an effort to say a whole Rosary during my commute. I turn the volume down low, grab my Rosary (although I want the Rosary steering wheel cover) from my purse along with my iPhone, open the Rosary app on my iPhone (simply called Rosary), begin working the beads, and set the cruise control to 73 mph. I know the prayers by heart, but I use the app for the Mysteries. I still haven't gotten the hang of the Luminous Mysteries or the days for which set. The app I use automatically gives me the Mysteries for the day with a scripture reading relating to it and a short Fruit of the Mystery. Since I'm driving while praying, I skip the Scripture and just announce the Mystery and it's Fruit aloud to myself (and the mouse and spider that I'm certain live in my Jeep).

My close personal friends know that lately I've been going through a rough patch with my health and with my job. It's very difficult to balance breast cancer issues, two children, a disabled husband, and a job. Oh, and that doesn't include my love of all things Catholic and Pro-Life, both of which add a little bit extra to my already full plate. Through my breast cancer journey, I honestly feel that I've never questioned God's will or succumbed fully to the depression that can easily afflict a cancer patient. I honestly don't think I've blamed God for my disease. However, I also can honestly say that I've not been nearly as devout and devoted as I could have been. Now that I've had my fifth major surgery (seventh if you count the lumpectomy/biopsy and port placement), I'm expected to miraculously be healed and back to 100%. I realize that it has been a L O N G journey to outsiders, but no one can have felt the length more than me! I'm back at work full-time now and still having some issues. However, I have found that my morning Rosary does wonders to helping me deal with the stresses of the day.

I will admit that the Rosary is just like Mass (and just like exercise): you get out of it
what you put into it! Enter into anything with a bad attitude or even just half of yourself and you're setting yourself up for failure and even frustration. This is not my maiden voyage with trying to devote my morning commute to Our Lady of the Rosary. In the past, I've tried praying the Rosary in the mornings only to quickly fall out of the habit. Or even worse, I've begun the Rosary only to quickly become so immersed in my problems (typically my intentions) or road rage that the prayerful meditation that is the Rosary is lost. There are times that I'm so stressed that I cannot focus enough to get through a single Hail Mary, much less the opening Apostles Creed. I've found that for myself, one of the best ways to combat this tendency is to actually say the prayers out loud. I kind of feel like a dork, but I'm not singing in the car, I'm praying in the car! Occasionally, I still miss part of a prayer due to inattention, but most often lately I find myself adding a prayer, the Act of Contrition, at the end of each decade (Hmmmm... I think the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me to go to Confession).

As I speed toward my job and away from my family, I don't consciously pray for anything in specific. Instead I kind of let my mind wander from stressor to stressor and concern to concern. I do try to mentally picture each Mystery and Fruit as I announce it to myself, however, I don't belabor them. I was explaining my driving Rosary to a non-Catholic co-worker (who has her own stressors both at work and at home). Since I know the prayers by heart, I *can* allow my mind to wander. Since I'm praying, my mind isn't wandering without direction. It gets direction from the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit may guide me, but I don't feel like I'm getting tapped on the shoulder and told, "I'll fix this." Instead, as I progress through my day I'll suddenly come to a realization that I haven't worried about X or Y. I have an inner feeling of resolution. None of my problems have miraculously disappeared, but my perception and handling of my problems has improved. Even my supervisor has commented on a change in my attitude that coincides with my Driving Rosary. It is not a hardship to add these 73 prayers to my daily commute. I suggest everyone try to find time to let your mind wander in a daily Rosary! You may be surprised about the Fruits of your labor!

*For the suspicious and/or safety conscience, this photo was taken by my passenger!

March for Life

2012-01-23T17:15:00.001-06:00

Great article. Women, including myself, do deserve better than abortion as a choice. In my experience, doctors suggest abortion when they just aren't sure how to treat a pregnant woman. They are also over concerned with their own convenience and/or covering their rumps to provide adequate care for pregnant women. Having abortion as an option keeps them from finding alternative ways to care for pregnant women.

I was 20 weeks pregnant when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Abortion was one of the 'treatment' options given to me. However, it was NOT necessary or even in my best interest according to lesser know research by MDAnderson Cancer Center. They've found that women who are diagnosed while pregnant and seek treatment while maintaining their pregnancy do BETTER than their abortive counterparts. How many other situations are like this? How many women have been given the 'choice' of abortion without a reasonable alternative? How many women have been misinformed about their 'choices' and gone on to end an innocent life only to find out later the abortion was not necessary? So how is abortion really a choice that helps women?

Since Roe v. Wade, doctors have had abortion and birth control as their first-line treatment for women's conditions. Proponents of women's right to "choose" have fought tooth and nail against any regulations or legislation that seeks to provide women with resources and information about their true options. Abortion providers claim to have women's health as their priority, but often the 'clinics' where abortions are performed are staffed by nonmedical personnel and lacking in proper surgical atmosphere. Any effort to ensure that clinics follow standards of care that are in place in any other medical facility meets with strong resistance from pro-aborts. How can women's education, sanitary conditions, and medical personnel be thought of as infringing on women's rights?

When pro-aborts actually promote ALL women's rights, then the debate over abortion will be more difficult. Until then, they are dead in the water -- just as all those babies are dead!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/guest-voices/post/why-we-march-for-life/2012/01/23/gIQAwYgqKQ_blog.html#weighIn

What Do You Mean By Choice?

2012-01-20T23:29:00.001-06:00

If you ask that question to a pro-choice person, they will most likely say that choice is about having the option to kill the unborn. Oh, they won't say it that way, but that is the gist of the meaning for them. If you visit a pro-choice site (like Planned Parenthood), you will not be overwhelmed by choices for "family planning" that really don't promote family at all. If you look hard enough, you can find information on the 'calendar' method of natural family planning, but it is minimal at best. However, you can find all sorts of options for hormonal birth control. You will also find numerous resources for abortion clinics. However, very little will be mentioned about adoption. In other words, the only 'choice' that really matters is the one choice that is fatal for one person and injures the other.

We are bombarded by ads for birth control as we watch the news or other programs on TV. Even commercials that aren't for birth control contain subtle (or not so subtle) innuendos about how having children basically ruins your life. There are a few programs and ads that indicate that families are a good part of life, but they are few and far between. I don't think I have ever seen an ad promoting adoption. I've seen some for fostering, but seldom do they go so far as promoting adoption. I know I've never seen an ad (or TV program) that promotes fertility awareness or natural family planning.

This begs the question, why are these choices not important to the pro-choice groups? Is it because parenthood is a life-long sacrifice that our selfish society appreciate? Is it because more money can be made with birth control and abortion than with fertility awareness and parenthood? Is it because families aren't glamorous? Why, if women's liberation is so important, are women seeking to be chained to a drug that poisons their bodies?

I can't answer these questions because I know for myself that life, in all its stages, is sacred. We, humans, are created in God's image. My body is a temple, not of self, but of God. I am free, by God's design, to make choices. However, my choices end when someone else's life begin. I am not imprisoned by God's laws. Instead His laws give me the freedom to love Him, my husband, and our children with the whole of my being. So the next time you hear abortion and birth control touted as freedom of choice, remember that we are freed when we submit to God. Also, ask that person just what 'choice' means to them and why.

http://www.jillstanek.com/2012/01/announcing-2nd-annual-ask-them-what-they-mean-by-choice-blog-day-january-22/

2011 Ends with a Bang!

2011-12-31T21:20:00.001-06:00

I've spent the last 2 days (well, starting Friday morning at 130am and ending today) in the hospital with Andrew. He had an anaphylactic reaction to something he ate & passed out from it. The kids stayed with mom and never really knew about it. He came home none the worse for the stay except tired, nervous about foods, and with strict instructions to carry his Epi-Pen everywhere. I think I'm more tired than him since I stayed away for about 40 hours during the ordeal. Our fondest wish for 2012 is to stay healthy!

Merry Christmas!!!

2011-12-27T14:03:00.001-06:00

The kids had a great Christmas and even learned the reason for the season in a couple different ways! Both kids pulled an angel from the St. Alph's angel tree that was similar in age and interest as them. Simon actually went shopping with me to pick out the gift and during the whole shopping trip never asked for a toy of his own! Rachel's first phone call on her new kitchen phone (their joint Christmas gift was a kitchen set) was to "the boy who had none" to wish him a Merry Christmas! Rachel learned sacrifice by giving Baby Jesus her pacifiers. Although Rachel is still missing her pacifiers she says "I love Baby Jesus" before laying down for bed. All in all I'm very happy with my kids' Christmas -- we didn't emphasis receiving gifts (none were from Santa) and we didn't give lots or lavish gifts. We hand picked a few things that really meant something. I think everyone was well pleased with our Christmas!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Christmas! I apologize for not sending more Christmas cards. I still have a stack awaiting addresses and notes beside my bed. If you haven't gotten one, there is still hope! ;-) I cannot express how grateful I am to all of you who, through thoughts, prayers, actions, or contribution, have helped our family make it through our struggles! Thank you and God bless!!

Child-generated Christmas cheer

2011-12-17T12:53:00.001-06:00

I let the kids draw on some paper. Then I traced each of their hands and feet on that same paper. Next, I cut the tracings out as well as some decorations (faces, presents, random shapes). Using a glue-stick we built reindeer from each child's hands and one foot. The left-over foot was glued to a new piece of paper and decorated as a Christmas tree. The result is silly, but the kids had a blast!!!!

No picture available...

2011-12-16T07:18:00.001-06:00

So I'll use a thousand words to describe last night's (and this morning's events).

First, Andrew and I returned from physical therapy around 6. The kids were over-joyed to see us, so they were their usual rambunctious selves. As a matter of fact, in his rush to greet us Simon sent Rachel crashing to the floor with a flying elbow. The kids sat down -- well, they were supposed to be sitting -- for chicken nuggets and fries. I was working on laundry and general house-stuff while Andrew was taking care of his own business. Simon kept tattling on Rachel. "She's on the table", "She's trying to get my food", "She's putting barbecue sauce all over", "She put her food in my apple juice", and other tattles met my ears, oh every thirty seconds or so... The sad thing was all his tattles were true! So, I didn't get much accomplished.

With my physical therapy requiring "homework", I've made an effort to include the children in my routine. This has two goals: one -- to keep them from clambering all over me while I do my stretches and two -- to get rid of some toddler/preschooler rambunctiousness. Sadly, neither of these goals are actually fully attained. However, my abdominal muscles do get an excellent workout as I tense for body blows and laugh uproariously at their imitations of me and their overall antics.

Fast-forward to bedtime (anywhere from 830-930 lately). Both of my children are in that long-lived phase of objecting to bedtime. They get one TV show prior to bed as their 30-45 minute warning. Throughout the show either Andrew or I remind them that as soon as their show ends, bedtime begins. As a consequence, Simon constantly states the entire time, "It's not over yet", while emphatically pleading for another show after the current one. Ir's hilarious actually because his demands begin almost as soon as the show does.

As typical 2 and 3 year olds, my two have excessive energy, especially in this colder and gloomy winter weather. We have tried to reduce their pent up energy by allowing Simon his training-wheeled bike in the house. E have also supplied Rachel with her own tricycle in the house. However, the rule is supposed to be that during their show (and for about an hour prior to bedtime, bikes are not to be ridden nor is wrestling, running, or other exciting horseplay allowed. These rules are intended to help them settle down for bed. Instead, Simon, in particular, flouts these rules and often incites Rachel (with very little effort) to do the same. So the semi-relaxing TV show turns into another constant haranguing.

Once the show is over, they brush their teeth together (pajamas, vitamins, and lotions/massages are taken care of during the show) are tucked into bed. Both sit on Rachel's bed while we say our prayers. They each give intentions for various people. I like to think these spontaneous mentions of somewhat random relatives, friends, or vague acquaintances are a manifestation of the Holy Spirit speaking through the mouths of babes. More than once they have prayed for an individual I later find was in need of specific prayer at that time. Then I sing them a song -- typically Joyful Joyful (Beethoven's Odd to Joy), Hail Mary, Immaculate Mary, Holy God We Praise Thy Name, or currently an Advent song. Occasionally a nursery rhyme is requested as well. Then Simon goes to his room to "read" before falling asleep. Rachel is tucked into bed with a vast array of comforts: two "huggies" (loveys), at least one doll (lately she's on a Rapunzel kick), her Leap Frog musical puppy, at least one blanket, her pillow, and her birdie soother. some nights this arrangement is just this simple, but other nights one or both strenuously object and/or demand one of us (typically Andrew is requested) lay with them. However, we have refrained from that for the most part.

Now is when my night can begin. I start and hopefully finish any chores for the day. I take a quick (or not-so-quick) shower. Occasionally, my time is still divided between enforcing bedtime or soothing the kids' qualms about bed. Once all is quiet we can finally do some relaxing and/or try to go to sleep ourselves. if sleep is forthcoming, it seems that it never fails before on child is crying and demanding a drink or just comfort. We oblige and pray for sleep for the household.

Sometime in the night/early morning hours, usually anywhere from 2-4 am, Rachel will decide it's time to wake-up. She'll enter our room, turn on the light, hand Andrew his glasses, and demand a drink @ cartoons. He, in his spoiling nature, will actually comply. I, on the other hand play opossum or direct her back to bed with a sip of water. This process can repeat itself indefinitely. Lately, out of exhaustion, I've begun inviting Rachel into bed with us.

On the this night, both kids came to our room for comfort at one point it another. So when I awoke for work the feeling of being a sardine was immediately apparent. On the outside left was Andrew, snoring gently. Next to him was Rachel, sprawled out like she owned the bed, also snoring gently. Then I was squeezed between her and Simon, who had his rump in my face. Simon was also snoring (as perhaps i had been prior to waking).

Rachel, Simon, and I are all hot natured, although the kids wear more pjs than me (since they always seem to lose their covers in the night), so the blankets were down covering Andrew and me to our knees. our bed, though queen-sized, was definitely not designed for two adults AND two children of the sleeping habits we have. Not one of us is a quiet or restful sleeper. The kids typically move from heads on pillows to feet on pillows and everything in-between during the night.
When sleeping with us they tend to take up 3/4 of the bed, while Andrew and I scrounge for the remainder. I'm sure we were a sight!! Luckily, my exit from the bed was unnoticed and I got off to work with none of them the wiser. However, it was definitely a struggle to leave the cozy confines of that bed.

Get back to work!!

2011-12-12T06:59:00.001-06:00

Well, my 6 week recovery period is over... I'm so anxious about my first day back at work that I feel like I'm going to hurl... I was awake (still/again) at 430 this morning since I couldn't sleep. :-/ it doesn't help that my arms and abdomen are still sore enough that Nor does it help that my abdomen still swells when I wear real pants -- pants cause some pain too. I'm going to be continuing physical therapy twice a week too. I'm hoping and praying for the best, but kind of expecting the worst. However, the sunrise is beautiful with the glorious colors reflecting on the clouds. Even the frost is beautiful once I melted it off my Jeep. This is a day the Lord has made; I will do my best to rejoice in the small things and be glad to be alive!

If it weren't for bad luck, we'd have no luck...

2011-11-29T01:10:00.003-06:00

When it rains it pours... Andrew and I have good luck as far as healthy, active, cute, intelligent, happy, and precocious children are concerned. What we lack is good luck in other areas of our lives. From Andrew's horse accident before we married to my cancer, we two have been through the wringer physically and emotionally. Although we are still together being one another helpmate (scriptural reference). We've also been struck since before our marriage with house issues. From vandals before I bought it to hurricane Ike followed by the ice storm of 2009, we thought we'd seen enough damage to our home.

Well, that has been disproven now. Last Thursday as I went into the silent kitchen (the kids were asleep) I heard a hissing noise by the fridge. When I asked Andrew about it, he told me it was the ice maker refilling. Sunday night for some reason Andrew pulled the fridge out of its cubby. What he found was soaked laminate wood floors, trim, and about 2" of water in the duct-work. Apparently the hissing I noticed was a small hole(s) in the water line to the ice maker. We are unsure how long the water leaked, but it seems it must have been a long time. We called the insurance adjuster and he came out to assess the damage. He quickly turned that over to a professional group. It took 5 days, all the floor in affected room(s) removed to subfloor, many holes in the walls, many fans, a dehumidifier, an air scrubber, a slice in the plastic wrap beneath the house, and more to dry the kitchen and Simon's floors.

Since mold was found in the ducts, with my asthma and the kids' allergies, we had to move out of the house. We are still living at Andrew's dad's home. The mold evaluator/erradicator group cannot devote a day to our house until Wednesday. Even then we're unsure how long it will be before it is advisable for us to move back into the house. Thankfully Andrew's dad and wife are very tolerant of the kids. Not to mention very compassionate to me and Andrew. They have both told us we can stay as long as necessary.

Not that I'm ungrateful, but I can't wait to get back into my own home. The kids seem a bit off-kilter too even though we've all done everything we can to ensure their routines stay as close to 'normal' as possible. I'm also afraid our hosts are too kind to admit we're cramping their style.

Of course, this house issue comes while I'm recuperating from my surgery, we're trying to finalize our bankruptcy, and the kids had just readjusted to having Andrew and me home. I'm sure there's more, but it's too tedious to try to list.

The best thing is that we are all together and making the best of it. God willing one day Andrew and I will have smooth sailing in life! :-)

2 years ago...

2011-11-25T23:05:00.002-06:00

I was bald & 9 months pregnant. After our pre-meal, Andrew & I returned home. Around 1030 that night (the 25th), Andrew & I were rushing to Labor & Delivery because I was terrified that Rachel wasn't moving. They reassured me she was ok, but kept me anyway.

It was a sleepless night for me (Andrew fell asleep on the chair). By about 430 am, I felt the absolute worst contractions ever (MUCH worse than my 'induced' ones with Simon). Around 730 am Andrew's birthday present, Rachel Eleonore, made her arrival. Her big brother Simon came to see her along with my mom & dad, Andrew's mom, & Andrew's dad.

I repeatedly asked the doctors to check her very thoroughly to make sure my worst fears weren't fact. I was repeatedly assured that my bundle of joy was absolutely healthy & perfect. She had a little trouble maintaining body temperature & a touch of jaundice, but everything was well within normal limits. The chemotherapy that had saved my life hadn't affected her at all! As a matter of fact, she had as much or more hair as me!! We wore our matching hats (hand crocheted by me) for photos & even news stories.

Now it's been 2 years... So hard to believe… I'm cancer-free, but still not pain-free. Rachel is still amazing everyone: only now it's based on what she can do, not what she survived. Simon & Andrew are still pleased with their girls!

On their birthday, we are going to celebrate Andrew's 31 years & Rachel's 2 years. We're having a Cowboy & Cowgirl themed birthday lunch. It's been a wild ride, but we've stuck out past the 8-second timer – like a good cowboy riding a wild horse. Yee-haw!

Three Forms, One Substance

2011-11-22T11:51:00.001-06:00

I need help... Blogger mobile accidentally deleted this post! :-( I was trying to delete an empty post, but before I realized it this one popped up & got deleted. :-( HELP! I'm hoping someone still has this post open on their browser. If you do, please email it to me at erikav@me.com. Thank you!

Thanksgiving & prayers

2011-11-19T22:21:00.003-06:00

I thank God for my family -- especially Andrew and Rachel on their birthday weekend -- and friends. I thank God for the continued support and love I get from my family -- especially Andrew and mom -- friends, and even complete strangers throughout the world.

I thank God for my husband and best friend, Andrew. I thank God for my intelligent, good, strong, and handsome little boy, Simon. I pray that his health continues to be good his whole life through. I thank God for my intelligent, strong-willed, miraculous, and adorable little girl, Rachel. I pray that her health continues to be good his whole life through. I thank God for Faithful, intelligent, generous, skilled, supportive, loving mom, Birgit. I pray that her health continues to be good the rest of her life. I also pray that I can follow her example at being a wonderful mother, a great wife, a strong advocate for life and Faith. I thank God for my Faithful, intelligent, hard-working, generous, supportive, strong, loving dad, Rick. I pray that is health continues to be good for the rest of his life. I pray that I can emulate his work-ethic and strength. I thank God for the rest of my wonderful family as well. I pray that we continue to be close-knit, supportive, happy, healthy, and loving for the rest of our lives.

I pray that all people in the world will open their eyes and hearts to the wonderful gift of life and give thanks for life even when things look desperate. I pray that everyone recognizes the blessings they have in their families. I pray that people all over the world will be generous, caring, kind, and loving toward one another -- especially when there are marked differences between each other. I thank God for the military men and women who have dedicated and sacrificed their lives so that we may be free and safe from harm. I pray that these military men and women, as well as their families have good health, Faith, and protection as they fight for right.

Growing

2011-11-09T02:21:00.001-06:00

The kids grew so much while we were gone! However, they did not grow apart even though they were kept separately for some of the time. I love them so much & it's obvious to everyone they love each other a tremendous amount too!

Rachel continues to grow & learn at a super (to me) rapid pace. She is extremely coordinated & is currently trying to learn to pedal her tricycle. At bedtime tonight she amazed me by singing "Joyful Joyful" almost word for word with me. She is also talking in sentences now. Her favorite is still "What doing?" She sounds so much like Simon talking now it's unreal!

Simon is the most solid little boy ever! He's got a lot of drainage & had to run to the doctor this afternoon. The good part is that the doctor said his lungs & ears are clear. He was also measured at 41" and 44 lbs!! My BIG boy!! He seems so grown up. As he played with his monster tractors this afternoon when asked which was his favorite he replied, "They're all my favorites because they do different jobs." such a little diplomat!

Vote with your conscience!!

2011-11-07T23:44:00.001-06:00

No issue at hand in our society trumps thatof life. Without the right to life, all other rights would simply cease to exist. So please, during the primary, please vote for the most pro-life candidate you can.

If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take...

2011-10-28T01:23:00.001-05:00

I write this on October 28, 2011 at 1:24 am a few hours before surgery. I am currently of sound mind, although my body is a bit lacking. I pray that this e-will is not put into action because I want to live. However, this surgery looms large in my mind.

I ask that my husband, Andrew, gain all my worldly goods for his & our children's benefit. I ask that he also see that our children, Simon & Rachel, be raised in the Catholic Church. My parents, his mother, & father (along with their spouses & extended families) shall all have equal rights with the children. Simon shall also receive a John Deere pedal tractor with a wagon. Rachel shall also receive a gentle pony to ride, drive, & eventually care for when she is old enough. Andrew shall fix his Turbo Coupe to the fullest extent. DAB at work shall keep the Sirius Radio.

~Erika M. J-V.

Pain in the hiney...

2011-10-17T10:46:00.000-05:00

Poor Rachel has had a serious pain in the hiney. Something she ate or a stomach bug caused her to have a scalded bottom. Wednesday morning she woke Andrew and I by padding into our room as usual around 7 am. Andrew habitually picks her up first thing, so he stooped to lift her. As soon as his arm went behind her legs, near her diaper-clad bottom, she began screaming. She screamed and cried until she was purple and shaking. He peeled her diaper from her only to see her bottom covered with #2. As we tried to wipe it off she continued screaming, crying, and twisting away from us. Finally resolved to help her as best we could, we sat her on her potty seat to rinse her off. What we saw was horrible. Her skin had blistered, peeled, and was angry-red. She had still not stopped screaming or crying. She was shaking so badly from the obvious pain that she couldn't or wouldn't even try to stand. I had dressed for work before the true depth of her problem was revealed. Without second thought, I clutched her to my chest and held her as I tried to relieve some of her pain. Later that morning, during a fit-into-the-schedule doctor visit, the doctor said that something she ate had probably made her #2 too acidic for her delicate skin to handle. He gave her some antibiotic cream and told us to coat her hiney after every diaper change with a barrier cream. Its been 5 days and she has made significant progress on healing, although the pain and raw areas on her hiney are definitely not completely resolved.

The good news of this spur-of-the-moment doctor's visit is that I got to have them measure her. She measured about 35" tall and weighed around 30 lbs. That is tremendous! This is in the 89th percentile for both weight and height. If she continues growing as she has, her adult height (according to some doctors' estimates) will be double 35" or 70" or 5' 10"! Of course, knowing her weight & height lead us to measure Simon at home. By our measurements he is about 42" tall and weighs 45 lbs! Again, that is tremendous! That puts him in the 94th percentile for height and 98th percentile for weight. Most of the child height predictors don't calculate for children in Simon's percentiles. However, the closest I can find indicates that he'll be well over 6' 2" tall! It's amazing that both of our children are predicted to exceed our height.

Rachel's hiney didn't stop her from enjoying the wonderful weather we've been having. She and Simon are huge fans of playing in the leaf piles. Simon is working on mastering riding his bicycle with training wheels, while Rachel is still struggling with pedaling her tricycle. My mom just recently got a play-set at her house, so the kids and I traipsed between her house and our house to play musical play-set! Her slide is a bit taller, longer, and slicker than ours, which prompted Simon to calmly tell her, "This slide is quite fast." She also has a toddler swing that Rachel adores. So the kids were quite well occupied this weekend!

This is NOT me, but a good visual.

Saturday, while they napped, I went down the road to our neighbor's barn to play with his horses. After grooming 2 tiny ponies my arms were already sore. That meant I didn't have the energy to try to harness them. :-( However, I decided to use the last of my strength to brush the 2 big horses. King, the Belgian, is truly a king-sized horse. His back is at least as high as I am tall (5' 6" or 16.2 hands). He is as broad-backed as an over-stuffed ottoman. While I was brushing King and his buddy, Golden, the neighbor came out. I broke the news to him that I was unable to harness his little pony team with him. I witsfully spoke of how much I missed being able to ride. Jokingly, I patted King's neck and wondered aloud what he'd do if I sat on him. That lead to me closing him into his stall and, using an overturned bucket, leaning across his back to see his reaction. Eventually, I gathered my courage (and strength) and clambered fully astride him. Although we were in a 14' x 14' stall, it was exhilerating to sit on an animal so powerful and huge. :-D I may eventually work up the nerve to ride him around!

Respect Life & Breast Cancer Awareness

2011-10-02T00:29:00.000-05:00

This is *my* month: Respect Life and Breast Cancer Awareness. God handed me the perfect way to live these two very important causes: a diagnosis with breast cancer while pregnant. As most of my readers know, I was diagnosed at 20 weeks and did chemotherapy while pregnant. Once I gained my strength back after chemo, delivery, more chemo, and surgeries, I have been focusing on being the best spokesperson I can be for both the Pro-Life movement and Breast Cancer Awareness. However, I seldom wear pink and never knowingly donate to the high-profile breast cancer awareness organizations. The reason for the former is that I just plain don't like pink. However, the reason for the latter is that I do not respect many of the breast cancer awareness organizations. This lack of respect stems from their stance on pro-life issues as well as the ways they handle their donations.

Initially after my diagnosis I searched some of the well-known breast cancer (and general cancer) organizations for options. I was shocked and abhorred the options presented: abort my precious baby in order to receive treatment to save my life OR keep my precious child and risk my disease progressing beyond a point of treatment. I chose the unknown -- searching for an alternative. I could not fathom being told to end the life of my baby just to undergo treatment. My heart and soul ached for mothers that thought those were the only options. I found MD Anderson and wonderful doctors who had 20 years experience giving chemotherapy to women with breast cancer. While I'm not certain of their stance on embryonic stem cell use, their help for me through this terrible time has garnered my support. Some other organizations that respect both life AND have resolved to find a cure for this horrible disease are: PolyCarp Research Institute (another that I'm unsure of their ESC use, but fairly confident they are within Church teaching -- ie do not use them), Breast Cancer Prevention Institute, and National Breast Cancer Foundation. I also favor direct donations to individuals who are struggling with this disease. During treatment there are many costs and few sources of income or support -- especially if the sufferer is also the family breadwinner.

I am getting ready to embark on another necessary struggle. The pain I have been suffering with since my mastectomy has grown unabated no matter what I've tried, including my exchange surgery, theraputic massage, pain medications, and muscle relaxers.We are heading down to Houston, TX (MD Anderson) for a second reconstruction option on October 25th. I am having a DIEP reconstruction surgery done that will put me out of work for approximately 6-8 weeks. Our time down there in Houston, TX will be no less than 10 days with a full week of me in the hospital. That is a significant amount of money just to shelter, feed, and transport us on top of our regular home bills. I am also unsure whether my request for donated time from the state (as they've done for all my other surgeries) will be able meet my needs. The employees of the state of KY are truly generous with their time, but this will be my 3rd extended leave. We (state employees) have also had "donated" time (unpaid furloughs) in the past year. I know everyone is struggling financially. However, I am the bread winner in our family since Andrew has been incapacitated (according to no less than 3 doctors) with his back. My paycheck is what keeps us sheltered, fed, clothed, and insured. If I am forced to take days off without pay for this extended period of time, our family will greatly suffer.

With this in mind, I find myself cringing as I ask for support from anyone who can give it. Prayers and thoughts are greatly appreciated. In addition, direct support (through PayPal -- see button* on the side bar), my medical fund through PNC Bank (in Owensboro, KY called Erika Vandiver's Medical Fund), or any other means would be greatly appreciated. I hate to ask for financial assistance -- especially in these economically difficult times -- however, if I've learned anything during this journey, it is to ask for help when it is needed. Help is needed. Thank you for your continued support!

*The PayPal account is listed as MrFixIt@connectgradd.net. That is Andrew's account. I cannot use my own due to my inactivity on both eBay and PayPal my account is severely limited. The transaction description has been changed to ERIKAS FUND for bank statement purposes.

A person is a person no matter how small...

2011-09-20T11:27:00.000-05:00

My title is a quotation from Dr. Suess's Horton Hears a Who, but it is oh-so apt for the Pro-Life movement & the anethema to the Pro-Choice movement. Watch this video to see one BIG reason why the Pro-Life movement will not go away... Personhood.

Shocked... a new milestone

2011-09-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

This weekend it became apparent that my little boy is growing up very fast!! Not only is he already displaying some teen-ager-like attitude (at least 10 years premature), but he's also growing like the proverbial weed. It became apparent this weekend as I helped him change clothes that his size 4T undies were quite tight. They actually left indentations in his legs. Occasionally he even complains that they're hurting him. So, what's a mom to do? Go to the store of course to buy him the next size up in undies. Imagine my shock when I search the infant toddler boys section and find that the undies only go up to 4T! I then had to find the boys section, locate the undies, and try to find size 5 or 5T. Little did I realize that they don't make (or at least they don't stock) size 5 or 5T undies -- the sizes jump all the way up to size 6! Simon, my precocious little boy, is already wearing size 6 undies at 44 months (4 months shy of his 4th birthday). Its enough to make my wombless abdomen contract as it remembers being pregnant with him, delivering him, and nursing him for a full year. At his last doctor's appointment, Simon measured 40" and 38 lbs. That was in the 97th percentile. During the McLean Co Fair he participated in the toddler pedal tractor pull and weighed in at 41 lbs. My baby is already growing up!!! What am I going to do?

Rejected & somewhat dejected...

2011-09-01T09:04:00.000-05:00

I'm going through a phase right now. It's not a particularly good phase, but a phase none-the-less... I'm being rejected by my children (age 3 & 21 months) in favor of my husband. Sometimes I don't exist to them at all, sometimes I am the object of their disdain, and other times I am the cause of their melt-downs. I'm dejected by this rejection as well as my life in general right now. As I said, it's not a good phase.

Honestly, for the most part, I am so wrapped up in my own struggles that I don't pay enough attention to everyone else. Oh, I am physically present & say the right words face-to-face, but when it comes time to later pray or think of someone, I'm so focused on myself (my health/wellness) that I forget the concerns of others. I participate in my family, but I am secretly relieved by the moments of peace I get when I'm the only one in the house. I ask about my co-workers, but tend to forget their issues in the face of mine.

However, this time is also one of reflection. Even as I say I'm focused inwards, a part of me continues to pester and pry philisophical thoughts from my soul. Just last night after being rejected once again by my children -- to the point of their tears and snotty noses that only daddy could resolve -- I laid down in bed and thought, "Man, this sucks... OMgoodness, this must be how God feels all the time when we reject him."

I can't get that thought out of my mind. Every time I want a cuddle with my children but I'm met with a shrill "No" pronounced while said child walks (or runs) away, I'm reminded that God feels this way when I intentionally sin. Even when the rejection is more subtle, a fall followed by a cry for daddy even though I'm the only one present, the result is the same. Again, God feels this way every time we let slip an expletive without thought or unconsciously do something we know to be against Him. Even more subtle are the times when my children act as if I just don't exist at all. There's no obvious rejection, but the knowledge that I work so hard to maintain our family (financially, emotionally, and mentally), but am ignored in preference to my husband. Now the realization that God feels the same pain I do when I neglect to say my daily prayers, praise Him for my blessings (including my daddy-obsessed children), etc.

It's heart-rending to know that *I* can cause (and have caused) God the same heart-ache my children cause me. Of course, this knowledge does nothing to mitigate the dejection I feel. However, isn't the first step admitting you have a problem? Hopefully, I'm on the path to resolving my problems simply by first admitting to them. Afterall, this is just a phase, right?

Who Am I?

2011-08-24T12:25:00.001-05:00

This past Saturday, my husband & I were sitting on the couch just having a general day. I can’t remember what started the conversation, except that I KNOW it was him (fist pump & bump from me to the Holy Spirit). He asked about when the Church started. Since I tend to blather on & on (& on & on & on…), I concentrated on brevity. I said, “Oh, somewhere in the New Testament before Easter, Jesus told Simon Peter that ‘… on this rock I shall build my Church…’” I further added that He (Jesus) also told Simon Peter that He (Jesus) would give Simon Peter the keys to Heaven and the Church. My husband’s reply was a simple “Oh” or grunt of acknowledgement. Regardless of his response, I was tremendously pleased that he broached the subject.

Imagine my absolute SHOCK when, at Mass Sunday, the Gospel was that *very* reading. Jesus asks the disciples, “Who do the people say that I am?” followed by “Who do *you* say that I am?” Simon Peter was the only one brave enough (or lacking the edit function of his brain like me) to say, “You’re the Christ”. Then followed my above mentioned quote from that same chapter. As the reading began I looked over and was dismayed to see that our children looked to be thoroughly distracting my baptized (but not confirmed) husband. I said a silent prayer to the Holy Spirit to allow him (my husband) to hear the words of the reading AND the homily. Then I tried to divide my attention between the children, Mass, & my husband’s demeanor; therefore I completely forgot about the revelation during Mass. Later at home, amid the chaos that is life with a 3 year old & 21 month old, my husband said something about it being funny that the reading at Mass was exactly what we’d talked about. Again, I internally fist pumped & bumped the Holy Spirit, but kept my answer non-chalant & brief.

That got me to thinking. Who am I that God should listen to my all-too brief prayers? Who am I that others should look at me & find encouragement, inspiration, and happiness? Who am I that God has blessed me with the family (and friends) I have? Who am I that God has given the struggles to overcome and therefore become an inspiration to others around me. The answer is, basically, I am who God made me.

It is often bandied about that God works in mysterious ways and that if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. Well, I am the personification of the latter of these as well as the former (but mostly the latter). Too often I get caught up in the little things and forget or dismiss my prayer-life, the sacraments, or the blessings that I have been given. To be honest, sometimes the struggles God has given me are actually the biggest blessings I have. Obviously, I don’t see that at the time, but upon reflection later (sometimes MUCH MUCH MUCH later) my struggles have been times when I have developed certain traits that make me a better person. This better person God is molding is who He wants me to be. The comfortable, vague-minded, obsessive, defiant, anxious person is the anthema of God’s plan for me. It is up to me, and EVERYONE, to become the person God means us to be through His means, not our own.

**This post of mine has been cross-posted from a Catholic blog group I contribute to: Catholic Sistas. If you like random musings of Catholic moms, you'll like this blog. Follow us & if you want, contribute! :-)

Golfers needed!!!!

2011-07-19T14:37:00.001-05:00

Right to Life of Owensboro’s

Annual Golf Scramble

WHEN: Saturday, July 23, 2011

             Registration – 7:00 am

             Shotgun Start – 7:30 am

WHERE: BEN HAWES PARK

WHO: Teams of four $200
           Individual players $50

For more information or to register, please call Right to Life of Owensboro at (270) 685-4922.

YOUR ATTENDENCE WILL BE WARMLY APPRECIATED.

Horse whispering

2011-07-12T15:52:00.000-05:00

I got a chance to whisper to a couple horses yesterday. They whispered directly to my soul.

A down-the-road neighbor (about a mile down my road) owns a total of 6 equines: 4 small ponies, a large work-horse, & a regular-sized horse. They're all variations of the same golden-red body with white manes & tails (flaxen chestnut). The man is elderly, but says he can't get rid of them because they're part of the family and in his blood. He was getting ready to mow their pasture when the largest one, named King, bolted out the open gate. His pal, Golden, the regular-sized one, bolted right after him. Golden is an aged horse, but that didn't stop him from leading his owner on a merry chase in the 95+ degree heat.

I was on my way home from work when Andrew called me. He had been driving home when he saw Golden loose at the bottom of his owner's driveway. Andrew, knowing how horses escape, drove up the driveway to tell the owner his horses were loose. In the process King bolted again. Then Andrew turned around, made his way home, and called me. I was, luckily, about 5 minutes behind him. I drove by slowly, but didn't see anything. Instead of going home, I decided to turn around to see if I could find them.

I was desperate for a good dose of horse-aroma-therapy! On my return trip I saw King galloping through a field and onto the road in front of me. I pulled off to the side of the road and got out. I slowly began walking and talking to the big horse. His gallop slowed to a strong trot and then finally to a walk. He looked at me curiously then turned and called to his friend, Golden, who was lagging behind significantly. Since King was large and was acting skittish, I chose to continue talking to him without trying to catch him. As I looked over my shoulder I saw the owner approaching on a 4-wheeler with a bucket of grain.

After a few moments, Golden approached me. He let me pet him and finally I wrapped one of my arms around his neck with my other hand on the bridge of his nose. If he'd presented much of a fight, I wouldn't have had a chance, but I was banking on good training and the heat taking most of the fight out of him. He & I walked up the road toward his owner with King slowly following behind us. The owner was shocked that Golden would let me lead him by nothing but my hands. He said his horses didn't usually take to new people like that. He had a lead rope, so I fashioned a make-shift halter for Golden and began the long, hot, and sweaty trek back to their home. King followed more or less docilely, but he gave ocassional bursts of speed that made me glad I'd chosen the smaller and older of the two to wrangle.

After depositing the two horses in their field, I spoke to their owner. I gave him my name & information so that if he ever needed/wanted help with his horses he could call me. He expressed an interest in having me help him with one of the ponies. The pony is partially trained to pull a cart/buggy. The man remembers from my college cart-training experience further up the road. To be honest, I practically begged him for an opportunity to work with his horses again. Hopefully he'll take me up on it. That way I can have some much needed equine therapy for body, mind, and spirit!

New addition

2011-07-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

While it seems that sometimes we can win for losing; we do have some very generous people in our lives. My aunt has chosen to up-grade her above-ground pool. In doing so, she generously decided to give us her old one. It needs some patching, but is otherwise fairly maintenance-free. Its an 18' x 4' -- so it should be quite large enough for physical therapy/exercise-type things, but small enough to be within a long-arms reach of the kids in their floaties.

The kids LOVE to be in the water - especially Rachel. Simon is a lot more cautious, but even he is learning to relax a bit. Their first real experience was this 4th of July weekend. In the photo to the left, Rachel is in the papasan float with the yellow vest. Simon is behind me in the 2 person ring float wearing his green vest. I think I'm going to try to get a float similar to the 2-person ring float in the photo because Simon liked it so well. It has leg holes on the one side for a child, while the other side is not quite closed for an adult to hold onto as well. Its a very good design!

One of my MILs has an above-ground pool similar to the one we just got. We swam in hers last night. Simon relaxed enough to wear his safety vest and sit in the papasan float by himself. Rachel quickly gets tired of being in the infant floaties (with her vest) and tries to dive in on her own. She requires quite a bit of handling! I look at it as some physical therapy for my arms and exercise to keep my bones healthy!

Updates...

2011-07-07T15:17:00.000-05:00

I am working on separating my family-based blog from my cancer-based blog. I've titled my cancer-based blog as Erika's Miracle Journey. I hope to write here about family things -- things the kids do & say, milestones, updates on Andrew, and general family/faith things. Of course, some cancer crap is going to seep into this blog and some family drama will creep into the cancer blog, but I think it'll be easier if I separate the two. So please join my other blog and drop in here occasionally too!

July is the month!!!

2011-07-07T11:06:00.000-05:00

July started with my birthday as usual on the 1st. Then my mom's birthday (the 2nd). Then a 4th of July party on the 3rd, followed by another one on the 4th. Then on the 5th I had my first pain injections. Now today, the 7th, is my cancerversary. Two years ago today I was diagnosed. Two years ago today my life changed for the worse in some ways, but for the better in other ways. On the 8th I'm going back to the plastic surgeon in Louisville for a 2nd opinion on my implant problems. On the 10th it'll be 2 years since I found out Rachel was indeed a Rachel & not a Joshua! On the 14th it'll be 5 years since Andrew proposed to me. On the 15th I get paid! :-D That's just the first 1/2 of the month! Whew - no wonder I'm so tired!

Great & busy weekend!

2011-05-30T23:03:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a flurry of activity. The weekend started quite early for me since as a state worker I was furloughed (forced no-pay day off) on Friday, but since Friday's are my normal day's off (4-10s), Thursday was my substitute day.

Thursday mom, Rachel, & I went to the bra store. We went to Perfect Fit first, but the nice lady (owner) told us to go somewhere else because she was closing soon. The lady didn't want me (us) to get started with one person, then have to switch. The place she sent us was ok, but I wasn't terribly impressed. I was also quite disappointed because they didn't have any bras in my size. I understand that I'm an odd size, but since it was a bra store, I was hoping to go home with one that fit. On a whim I call the first lady back to ask if she had my size. She said she did, so I went back to her. She personally fit me with 2 separate bras that immediately lifted a weight off my shoulders (literally) and made my chest feel (and look) better. It was also Rachel's 18 month birthday! :-)

Friday Andrew, the kids, & I went to Lowe's and Kroger. Let me repeat that, all four of us - including an 18 month old & a 3 year old - went to Lowe's and Kroger. Can you say workout! ;-)Once we got home dad brought a skid-steer (the actual name for the things called "Bobcats" - smallish front-end loaders) to our house. Andrew & Simon got to unload it & drive it around a bit.

Saturday, Andrew & Simon worked with the skid-steer for dad for most of the morning. My mother-in-law also had a get-together at her house. She was going to have her pool put in, but it was so muddy that she decided we'd just have food & hang out. She & I got the kids an inflatable pool - that was a BIG hit with the kids!

Sunday my brother & his family had a get-together at their house in Waverly. We decided to go to Mass in Morganfield about an hour away, but an hour & 1/2 later than our usual Mass. We were about 10 minutes (or less) from the church when I hear Rachel cry, up-chuck, & cry. The wonderful aroma of the car (it was already about 85 degrees outside) was not pleasant. I called mom to have her help me with the kids before Mass. Luckily I planned ahead & brought clothes for everyone to change into. Rachel's change of clothes wasn't as cute as the original dress, but it was adorable none-the-less. Once we got to my brother's new house I had to take the carseat completely apart. The washable/removable portions went into the washer while the rest was hosed off in the backyard. The best part though was that Rachel was fine the rest of the day - must have been a bad banana or something on the ride to Morganfield. The kids played around. Simon got to drive a 'princess' motorized car, ride a pink bike (complete with pink helmet), & play on the wooden play-set. Rachel rode in the 'princess' motorized car, got run-over by aforementioned car, & played on the smaller plastic playset. The ride home was *much* less eventful than the ride there! :-P

Monday (today) my father-in-law had a get-together at his house. We ate steaks & other yummy foods. The adults talked. Simon got to ride on his motorized John Deere tractor complete with wagon. Rachel rode in the wagon behind him for a little. She had to quit riding when Simon turned too sharply and dumped her out! Then we came home & I let the kids play in the sprinkler. It was so hot that otherwise they were going to have to stay inside. My plants needed water anyway! Rachel LOVED it! Simon thought it was pretty awesome too!

The only bad note was late this afternoon. Someone (1st) called me asking for computer help (or so I thought). Before hanging up, I found out that the computer help I was giving was actually to 'spy' on me. The 1st someone told me in a hurt-tone-of-voice that someone else told them I was bad-mouthing them on FB. The 1st someone wouldn't tell me who said it or what it was. I immediately got that sick-to-my stomach-feeling that comes from being accused - even if innocent. I said I couldn't think of anything I'd said that was bad-mouthing. The 1st someone said they'd see for themselves in that same hurt tone. If I were a stronger person I'd have been confident that I'd done no wrong & not let it bother me. However, instead I'm a weak person that ponders, obsesses, and worries when someone tells me something like this. So later I called to tell that person that I was hurt & upset that they'd think that of me. Later Andrew spoke to that 1st someone. They still won't give us the name of who said these hurtful things. However, the bad-mouthing posts have kind of been elucidated. As I read them - even trying to do so from the other person's perspective - I cannot find anything 'bad-mouthing' about them. Yet, I still cannot let it go because I have pretty constant contact with that 1st someone. I cannot stand that anyone thinks I would maliciously malign them in a public forum like FB. Especially since I'm 'friends' with LOTS of people that are also friends with the 1st someone. I guess that's how I got into this tangled web to begin with - one of these 'friends' of mine/friends of the 1st someone went back several months at minimum to find something slightly negative (about a product given to us by the 1st someone - not about the person) to feed the 1st someone. At least that's the post that the 1st someone mentioned to Andrew.

I'm having a prolonged panic attack about this issue now. I just can't let it go like I know I should. I keep looking for something offensive about this person on FB or even here on my blog, but I CANNOT find anything. Its like a hidden-object game where the hidden object is described as circular in a field of marbles. Its driving me crazy. I want to cry - I NEVER want to cry. I actually feel like someone punched me in the chest. I keep telling myself to be confident that I'm NOT that type of person (to malign someone in a public forum - especially this 1st someone). I just find that I can't take my own advice. :-(

The "J"-word

2011-05-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

I have been accused of being the "J"-word more times than I'd like. As an out-spoken, conservative, pro-life, and Catholic woman, I am apparently the epitome of the "J"-word. Since I have strong opinions and am very pedantic, I get labeled by the "J"-word quite frequently. If you're not sure what the "J"-word is, I'll enlighten you. It is judgemental.

For instance, I consider the following statement to be 100% absolutely without a doubt true: The Catholic Church is opposed to abortion and birth control. You may say, "But Erika, there are exceptions. You can't just make that statement without qualification." I would say, "There may be exceptions to birth control (NEVER abortion), but the root of the statement is true." Then usually, the conversation degrades to, "You're so judgemental. You can't tell every woman out there that she cannot be on birth control and follow Catholic teaching." My reply is usually something along the lines of, "I am merely stating that the Church prohibits abortion and birth control. In some instances, the Church may say it is ok for an abstinent woman to take birth control for a medical condition.** However, the Church strongly encourages the aforementioned woman to seek out other means of treating her condition." The discussion usually degrades to more name-calling and me preaching on and on by the book (typically Scripture, the Catechism, and science).

A tidbit I like to throw into the arena, at this point, is that by labeling me as judgemental, you are being judgemental. The bottom-line is that, in my opinion, being pedantic is what we are called to be as Catholics. Rules are rules. Even exceptions are supposed to be just that - exceptions. Tolerance to those outside the guidelines can be just as bad, if not worse, than being judgemental. Moral relativism does not conform to God's command to follow his laws.

Yes, I've read Scripture. I've had numerous bible quotes tossed my direction with the "J"-word. I can typically reply with my own bible quotes. Scripture does tell us, "Judge not lest ye be judged." (Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37) However, Scripture also tells us to remonstrate the sinner (Ephesians 5:11, 2 Timothy 4:2, Jude 1:15). Actually there is even an instance in Scripture where the initial portion concerns not judging one another, but the second part deals with avoiding putting scandal in front of others (Romans 14:13). Even by the first scripture alone (Matthew 7:1), if someone wants to judge me on the same matter (birth control), then they are free to do so.

Even in the midst of dangerously low iron levels, debilitating menstrual pain, repeated miscarriage, and threats of my death and/or horrible birth defects if I became pregnant too soon after chemotherapy I have never taken birth control. I have stood in front of doctors as they belittled and tried to badger me into taking birth control. Doctors, nurses, and lay-people have laughed at me, given me doom and gloom predictions, and tried to insinuate that I was stupid. I even had one doctor basically tell me that I would never be able to have children if I didn't go on birth control. Even my own husband has, at times, asked me to consider it. However, I have always stood firm in my morality and refused. So, if anyone thinks I'm expecting other women to do what I have not done myself, they are sadly mistaken.

If the above is your definition of judgemental, then I guess you should stop reading my blog & 'un-friend' me on FB. I will not stop my pedantic ways simply to make your life easier. Yes, I may try sweeten my phrasing a bit, but sugar-coating the truth sometimes ends up diluting it all-together. Yes, sometimes after the "J"-word is thrown at me, I react instead of continuing factually. I am human and it does hurt my feelings sometimes to be considered judgemental. Sometimes I may persist in being "judgemental" by pointing out that adherance to the Church's teachings is what makes us Catholic (if you're Catholic). If that hurts your feelings or makes you question your Faith, I'm sorry, but it is still truth. I try very hard not to judge people, only actions. I've been told that saying that is trite and means next to nothing or is infuriating to my audience. Well, I don't know how else to say that I still love and respect the person, but I know the action is wrong. I will never condone immoral behavior simply to make nice. In my opinion, that is part of my personality.

Please know and understand, I do not consider myself better than anyone. I am not holier than thou or perfect by any means. Instead I am just like everyone else, doing my best to live my life according to God's plan. I expect, (more often than not) deserve, and desire to be corrected on certain issues myself. No, I may not always like being corrected, but I try to avoid jumping to conclusions and being hurt. That is one reason why I am so dogged in my explanations. I sincerely want to let others know the Truth (God's), but I don't want them thinking it is my truth verses their truth. Therefore, I use Scripture, the Catechism, and science to offer testimony to my stance. I always try to avoid off-the-cuff answers on topics that I'm not personally familiar with the research and/or Church teaching. However, given my nature, I am likely to try to ferret out the Truth shortly after a conversation. Then I may revisit the discussion with my facts and figures in mind.

**The Church strongly encourages women (and men) to be fully open to life in all phases of their own lives. The Church also recognizes (unlike the secular world) that birth control is almost always a 'band-aid' for women's health issues. Therefore, instead of the woman being cured of whatever ails her, birth control merely gives her some relief from her symptoms while she seeks out moral and ethical means of treating her problem. If a woman is sexually active, due to the abortifacient effects of most birth control, she is called to be abstient while using the birth control drugs - even if the purpose of these drugs in her medical case is not to prevent pregnancy. Birth control drugs, by their own package inserts, "disrupt the lining of the uterus and prevent implantation". Denying that simply because a woman has an underlying problem does not change the fact that those embryos seeking implantation are killed by mechanism of the drug. If you believe life begins at conception then most if not all birth control drugs are abortifacient.

A post to SGK about why I don't support them...

2011-04-19T10:33:00.001-05:00

I'm reading your [Susan G Komen's] press release about your donations to Planned Parenthood. This statement stuck out to me.

"And while Komen Affiliates provide funds to pay for screening, education and treatment programs in dozens of communities, in some areas, the only place that poor, uninsured or under-insured women can receive these services are through programs run by Planned Parenthood."

If you truly think that - not only are you apparently incapable of thorough research, you are also sadly mistaken. Even in poor areas citiy, county, AND free clinics ALL perform almost all the same services that PP does - EXCEPT abortions. I live in a state where the only PP facilities are over 2 hours away. My area is rural and therefore poor. Our state-wide average income is significantly below the nation-wide average. However, we have city, county, and free clinics where the poor can get the healthcare they need. Why not fund these clinics instead of Planned Parenthood?

Your press release also indicates that you closely monitor how the funds are used at PP. While its commendable that you monitor the situation, you must be deluding yourself to think that a) the reports are entirely accurate and b) that your funds don't help pay for the 'controversial' aspects of PP. The ex-director of a TX PP facility has explained how creative expansion/condension is used to give the illusion that certain services are performed at higher rates than others. She detailed the bundling of abortion care visits as one - even if there were several visits. She also detailed the UN-bundling of birth control, cancer screenings, etc - even if all the actions took place at one time. In her example, if a months supply of contraception was given to a woman, the accounting showed 30 visits. However, if a woman came in for a consultation for abortion one day, had an abortion another day, and came back in for a post-abortion check-up and/or for complications, the accounting showed only one visit. This creative accounting is further appplied to organizations like yours who "try" to control where their funds are used.
As for your dellusion that your funding doesn't help PP fund abortions, let me give you a real-world example. If you know someone is a drug addict and you give them money - you are complicit in their further drug use. Even if they swear the $$ you give them goes only to feed themselves (or their family), the fact is that ANY $$ given to them frees up MORE $$ for them to spend on drugs. So even if PP doesn't use your funds to directly fund abortions, the fact that you give them $$ AT ALL, allows them to provide abortions by giving them more $$ from other parts of their budget to devote to abortion. Another example is slightly repulsive (but I think your ties to PP are repulsive, so...). If I bake brownies, but use 10% feces to extend the batter, would YOU eat them? No matter what piece you take out of the brownie pan, there's going to be a portion of feces in your sample. This same logic works with your organization and its association with PP.
Your press release also uses two "Catholic" ethicists to validate your donations to PP. However, what you failed to realize is that the Catholic Church did NOT endorse their statements. There are also Catholics who believe that abortions are ok. However, the Church teachings and laws PROHIBIT abortions. The Catholic Church has even come out with statements directly from the Vatican indicating that supporting political candidates who further abortion vocally is IMMORAL. The Vatican allows local bishops to refuse the Eucharist to abortion supporting politicians. The Eucharist for us is "real food and real drink" and gives us graces to join closer with God. In other words, the Eucharist is not just some symbol that is easily bandied about and given without consequence. Therefore, while the Vatican hasn't directly come out with a statement against PP or your organization, the ground-work is present.
The Catholic Church also has written into Church law that the ends CANNOT justify the means. Therefore, the "Catholic" ethicists' statement, "The good that Komen does and the harm that would come to so many women if Komen ceased to exist or ceased to be funded would seem to be a sufficiently proportionate reason” is directly counter to what the Catholic Church actually teaches. If you also notice, these ethicists couch their statement with the ambiguous wording "would seem". The truth is these ethicists DON'T know. The Catholic Church ALWAYS teaches us to err on the side of caution - especially when matters of life & death are at the forefront.
Before anyone reading this thinks that the Catholic Church doesn't care for women in crisis pregnancies, suffering from cancers, etc, do a little research. The Catholic Church has MANY of its own charities that provide care and loving options for women in these situations. As a matter of fact, most of the Catholic charities of this ilk continue to care for women in these situations long after the decision has been made and the baby (in the case of a crisis pregnancy) grows and develops into a toddler. The same is true of the Pro-Life organizations - their care, prayers, and support continue past the pregnancy phase & into the life stage for both mother AND baby. The Catholic Church also teaches that God can and does forgive our failings. However, if our failings are repetitive with no effort to reconcile or reform, the Church leaves the final judgement to God. The Catholic Church teaches to "love the sinner, but hate the sin." The basic summary of this is that we can judge actions as right or wrong (or even ambiguous), but we love, offer support and prayers, and encourage people of all walks of life to strive to live holy lives. We all rely on God's mercy.
As for the absence of a link between breast cancer and abortion, while there are studies that refute the link, there are also studies that acknowledge the link. Again, the truly *caring* option would be to err on the side of caution. However, in absence of an organization following that credo, there is other evidence in the medical community that other "services" provided by PP INCREASE breast cancer risks (as well as other breast cancers). For instance, a respected study found that for an unknown reason, women who used hormonal birth control were more likely to suffer from triple negative (TN) breast cancer than their non-birth control counter-parts. The women effected by this are often younger than the 'typical' woman with breast cancer as well. Triple negative breast cancer is one of the most devastating forms of breast cancer because it is typically very fast growing AND does NOT respond to any of the preventative drugs available currently.
These articles below are more current than the 2008 article you cite in your PR piece. The fact of the matter is that breast cancer rates have increased since birth control and abortions became more common. The exact cause-effect relationship is unknown, but it seems logical to again err on the side of caution until more evidence can be performed.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21446095 article about breast cancer & birth control
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20068186 article about TN breast cancer & birth control
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19462841 article about breast cancer & abortion
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20364336 article about breast cancer & abortion
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19356229 article about breast cancer & abortion
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19771534 article about breast cancer & abortion
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18771039 article about barriers to the truth about abortion/birth control as they relate to breast (and other) cancers

So, in my opinion, if your purpose is to TRULY reduce breast cancer, your organization should not support any other organization that provides abortions and/or wide-spread birth control use. More research needs to be conducted to identify the true relationship of the various risk factors and breast cancers (as well as other cancers). Perhaps that is the direction SGK should go instead of sending funds to PP.

Erika

PS: For what it's worth, I am an almost 2 year breast cancer survivor (BRCA1 TN Stage II). I was diagnosed at 20 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I was only 28. I had never been on birth control or had an induced abortion (although I did have 4 miscarriages as well as one successful birth 21 months prior to my daughter's birth). I took chemotherapy while pregnant, delivered a healthy baby girl exactly on her due date (no c-section or inducement necessary), and began more chemotherapy after delivery. I have also had a bilateral mastectomy, my ovaries removed, as well as my uterus removed. I am constantly bombarded with well-meaning people who would like to donate to your organization in my name. They would like to Race for the Cure, etc, but I always try to politely thank them & steer them away from your organization because of your ties to PP. While I don't know it as fact (since I've never set foot in a PP), I am reasonably sure that had I gone to PP for my diagnosis my daughter would be in a biohazard bag instead of at her grandmother's playing as only a 16 month old can. The other option presented me by PP would probably mean neither she nor I survived. The ACS, sadly enough, would probably have given me the same advice. However, I found MD Anderson in Houston, TX. They have been giving pregnant women chemotherapy for at least 20 years with no problems in the children. Other cancer centers have as well. However, most places do not recognize that pregnant women have BETTER survival & prognosis if they maintain their pregnancies AND get treatment than non-pregnant women or those who abort. This erroneous information is something SGK should correct as it affects about 1 in 3000 women diagnosed with breast cancer (not to mention other cancers). However, until my diagnosis I'd never heard of such a thing. Again, that would be something else SGK should use their $$ to promote instead of PP.

Current events

2011-04-10T19:48:00.001-05:00

Its been a while since I've written. Live is crazy busy! I recently started working 4-10s. So I work from 7am to 6pm Monday through Thursday. It makes for long days, but it also makes for long weekends! Simon & Rachel are enjoying the extra time as a full family. The weather has also improved significantly, so we're spending a lot of time outside. I'm also getting ready to embark on a slightly new journey. I'm going to try to become a board member for Right to Life of Owensboro.

That new journey is actually just a continuation of my life's passion - LIFE. Speaking (writing?) about life brings me to the current events in our country. The Senate has been debating a government shut-down. The Democrats refuse to give-up on the Title X funding for Planned Parenthood. The Republicans refuse to compromise on this very important life issue. Now just to clarify, the Republicans (and pro-lifers) don't want all Title X funding cut. Instead we just want Planned Parenthood cut out of tax-funding. The reason is this - all the innocuous services that Planned Parenthood performs (cancer screenings, well-woman check-ups, immunizations, & birth control) are also provided by county health departments, crisis centers, as well as private clinics. The biggest money-maker for Planned Parenthood that sets them apart from these other clinics, is abortion. Since the country is SO divided on this issue (actually more than 1/2 the country when polled thinks abortion should be rarely if ever performed), it just seems logical to not use tax money to fund abortions. Now before you say that Title X isn't funding abortions, lets talk logic -- not rhetoric. If Planned Parenthood performs all the innocuous services at a low cost, but charges based on a 'sliding scale' for abortions. If the government gives Planned Parenthood money for the innocuous services, than money is freed up for abortion services. As an online friend of mine and past-Planned Parenthood director says, the money that goes into

Family outing!

2011-03-28T08:48:00.000-05:00

My day in a photo...

2011-03-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

You try keeping up with them!!

Whew!!!

What a beautiful day...

2011-03-12T20:54:00.000-06:00

Today was a perfect spring day. Short-sleeves were fine if you were working/active & long-sleeve t-shirts if you weren't. Sadly I didn't take the time out to get my camera, so I didn't capture any cuteness in photos. However, my two are just full of their own cuteness! :-)

Simon is learning to be a wonderful helper. He spends most of his time actually fighting to be allowed to 'help'. Even though he's pretty big for his age, he's still too short and not quite strong enough for some things. However, he's perfectly suited for other things. For instance, I'm still a t-rex as far as using my arms goes (my arms are there, but they're not worth much), so I gave Simon the Shark Quick Vac. He does a pretty darn good job of capturing all his & Rachel's (as well as Andrew's & mine) crumbs. He needs direction to stay on task sometimes, but he'll actually do a pretty good job throughout the whole house if you don't mind hearing the vac for hours. He also was very helpful with uncovering my newly emerging flowers from their covers of leaves. He's very excited about the "Daffy-dills" because they're yellow & green, his favorite colors! He & Andrew picked me one of my miniature ones while I was sick. Today we picked a whole bunch to keep that one company.

Rachel, on the other hand, is on the path of destruction. Tell her *not* to do something & you may as well assume she's going to do it. She'll even turn around & look you in the eye with that naughty grin on her face. She's a champion smasher, tearer (terror?!?!), flinger, crammer, & shrieker. Reverse psychology doesn't work (yet?!?!), so telling her to do something just gives her permission. I think I'm getting terrible twos early with her! She's adorable & *loves* to be held, but cross her & she'll make you regret it! ;-)

I'm doing okay. The fact that my arms are still pretty useless is difficult for me. I ended up over-doing it today (I'm pretty sure) even though I kept telling myself to quit. I'm still in a super-tight bra 24 hours a day (except when I shower) & still have tape covering my incisions & the layers of stitches under the skin. I think she's really relying on the pressure from the bra-band & tape to keep those stitches from coming loose. She said I could pull a few, but if I pulled many loose, then I'd be back to where I was before with my implants down my ribs. Not a pretty picture! She also told me that it'd take a full year for all this stuff to be back to 'normal'. :-( Its great that it already 'looks' pretty normal (although I've got weird swelling and/or rippling right now), but it is still a constant reminder of what I've lost & been through.

Its really easy to get caught up in the here & now or stuck in the past. To have the right blend of past, present, & future takes delicate balance; something I'm not sure I have. I have a hard time looking at the future because I'm so focused on where I am or where I've been. However, I'm going to try to use this Lenten season to balance my outlook. Knowing where I've been & how I've gotten where I am is important, but the MOST important place is where I'll spend eternity!

My week in FB updates...

2011-03-06T22:54:00.000-06:00

Rachel cost me & Andrew years of our lives, grey hairs, & anxiety! Yesterday she was in her carseat with eyes wide open completely unresponsive only to be 'awoken' by Simon screaming her name. This morning she woke up & was again mostly unresponsive. I rushed home from work & rushed her to the dr. Stomach virus & sleeping with eyes open is the diagnosis. Unless the unresponsiveness becomes a pattern... WHEW!!!

Monday February 28, 2011 at 2:55pm

Poor Rachel, she still vomiting & miserable thru the Zofran. Now she's got a slight fever. She's in bed with us so we can comfort her as best as possible.

Tuesday March 1 at 1:09am

Rachel seems a bit better now, but we had a rough night! Her temp is down & she's also keeping her drinks down. Here's to prayers answered!!!!!

March 1 at 8:35am

Ugh... Rachel's not vomiting... Now it's coming out the other end. She's trying to be happy though!

March 1 at 12:19pm

Poor Rachel is having to have her diaper changed every 10-15 minutes. We're using Vaseline to keep diaper rash at bay. She acts interested in food, but only for a bite or 2. She actually sat on Simon's potty for a while diaperless. I think she's tired of diaper changing! Her fever is back too. :-(

Tuesday March 1 at 8:16pm

Poor miracle girl is in her bed - still feverish & diaper issues. We've bumped it up to Desitin. If it gets beyond that we have burn cream for that very reason. We just gave her more Zofran & ibuprofen to keep her symptoms at the minimum. My poor baby! :-(

Wednesday March 2 at 12:15am

Today Rachel seems a bit better. Her diaper area is a bit red, but not too bad. She's a sleepy girl though. All day today she's been laying either with me in my bed or hers. Her diarrhea is still bad & now she's not wanting to drink. We're pushing Gatorade down her. Her fever comes & goes. She's so cuddly & sweet thru it all! ♥

Wednesday March 2 at 2:45pm

Poor Rachel is throwing up again. :-/ We thought she was thru with that phase. Tomorrow was supposed to be her 15 month check-up. Instead we may make it a sick visit. I'm bummed for her as is Andrew. We haven't seen Simon since Monday morning hoping that he won't catch this too. They miss each other.

Wednesday March 2 at 5:06pm

At this point we took her into Dr. H's office for another visit. He indicated that we needed to check her CO2 levels to see if she was too dehydrated. He also indicated that it was completely reasonable to go ahead and admit her for IV fluids. That's what we did. We were in room 6113, just down the hall from where I recovered from my hysterectomy.

Rachel has her IV now. The IV team said she was perfect & laid there letting them put it in her left elbow. She looks so pitiful & feels even worse. :-(

Thursday March 3 at 1:56pm

Rachel update: her levels are still low & still no pee. :-( She's asleep with me in the crib. She has perked up somewhat, but is still no where near my normal Rachel! Prayers & thoughts greatly appreciated!!!!

Thursday March 3 at 10:05pm

Rachel PEED!!!! she's still under close supervision & not out of the woods yet. However, this is the best sign!!!

Thursday March 3 at 11:38pm

Rachel update: As of this morning she's had a total of 3 wet diapers, beautiful blood-work, & instructions that we can go home as soon as she starts drinking & eating a bit without throwing up. Thankfully they didn't really count the little throw up she had when I was changing her diaper. She had a bit of biscuit & some eggs, but is refusing to drink. Time will tell!!

Friday March 4 at 9:40am

Rachel update: We're still in the hospital. She's refusing to drink. Until she's drinking somewhat regularly we have to stay. :-( She's being stubborn. She's feeling better & shaking the crib rails like a gorilla in a cage.

Friday March 4 at 3:38pm

We're busting out!!! Rachel's going to mom's because now Simon's sick too. Our house is going to be the sick house. Mom's is the recovery zone!

Saturday March 5 at 3:07pm

Ooooohhhh nnnnoooo!!!! I dropped Rachel off at mom's. Then I came home to Simon being sick, but Zofran helping him. Now Andrew is feeling sick too. :-( Looks like I may be the the last one standing... :-(

Saturday March 5 at 6:15pm

Guess how Simon woke me this morning? He was singing "Hosanna in the highest. Hosanna in the highest." It was around 930 - so he was probably channeling Mass.

He's not acting sick in the least. However Andrew & I are completely exhausted!! Rachel's at mom's eating & drinking like normal!

Sunday March 6 at 11:37am

Well, I haven't been standing today. My stomach, head, & body ache. It is hopefully just residual stress... Tomorrow is my make-up 3rd Post-Op appointment. I'm going to that & then to work. Wish me luck!

Sunday March 6 at 10:38pm

I hope to get photos uploaded from this past week. This post was actually supposed to be photos AND FB updates, but my computer/phone is not cooperating....

Not much to report

2011-02-24T20:56:00.001-06:00

I'm still home from work healing from my surgery. I sleep a lot because the pain medicine makes me drowsy. In addition, I have an itchy reaction to tape. Since I have to remained taped until further notice I have to take at least 2 Benadryl a day. Talk about wiping me out! Mostly I'm just hanging out with Andrew and feeling like a drowsy T-Rex since I can't use my arms much. This morning I was still groggy from the Benadryl, but I decided I definitely needed a shower. Its a bit difficult to manage since I can't get the tape wet, but personal hygiene is important too! Thankfully, we have a hand-held shower-head, so I can direct its flow pretty easily. Of course, that requires quite a bit of arm movement. So by the time I'd washed my hair, washed my body, rinsed all of the above, and dried off, I was exhausted. I had to call Andrew in to dry my hair for me. Its just another reminder that God calls us to help one another AND to humble ourselves to ask for help when necessary. Tomorrow Andrew has physical therapy & I have my 2nd post-op appointment. Maybe I'll have more to report then!

Not much to report

2011-02-24T20:51:00.001-06:00

Success & worry

2011-02-18T23:00:00.000-06:00

My surgery Thursday went very well. Dr. S had to do a bit more intensive stitching internally, but all-in-all it wasn't a bad experience. Dr. S told me that my expanders had slipped out from under the muscles and were only stretching my skin. The whole purpose of the expanders was to stretch the muscle. However, she doesn't seem to think it'll be a problem. She put at least 4 rows of stitches in a U shape on each breast. I was sent home in an elastic bandage and told not to attempt to move it. I didn't - mostly because I kept falling asleep.

Today I had my 1st post-op appointment with Dr. S. She removed the elastic bandage & revealed all the tape she has in the same U shape as the stitches underneath. I'm not to remove this tape until she gives me the 'all clear'. However, even with the bandage & tape (& swelling) my foobs actually feel real to the touch! They're soft & squishy! I'm so excited!!! I'm still in quite a bit of pain, so I'm *ALWAYS* sleepy.

This afternoon Andrew & I went to my mom's to pick up the kids. I stayed behind to chat with mom. About 30 minutes later, Andrew called & said there was something wrong with Rachel. She wouldn't/couldn't use her right arm. Mom & I rushed down the driveway. By the time we got here Andrew had her soothed, but as soon as someone touched or moved her arm, she screamed bloody murder. We (mom & I) resolved to take her to the ER. We chose the Methodist Hospital in Henderson b/c they have a *much* better ER. Poor little Rachel had to have her temperature taken in her diaper. Then they had mom go with her into the x-ray room to help hold her. Since I can't pick anything up heavier than 10lbs nor should I struggle with something like screaming flailing Rachel, I had to stand outside & just hear her wail. When the doors finally opened, the tech told me that as he was positioning her arm for one of the x-rays, he felt her elbow pop back into place. The x-rays apparently agreed with his assessment. She's fine now, but we are of course worried it'll happen again. They say nursemaid's elbow (her condition) happens quite frequently & there's little you can do to prevent it. However, the next time it happens, they said we could try to reset it ourselves by stretching her arm out a bit. Whether we'll do that or not, I'm not really sure. On the way home Rachel was doing her usual yodelling & giggling. She got a Ty raspberry colored bear for being a good girl. We've named him Razbear.

Happy birthday Simon!

2011-02-13T22:52:00.000-06:00

Its hard to believe that this time 3 years ago Andrew & I didn't have any children - except for Simon in the womb. We were frantic that year because here in KY we'd had an ice/snow storm that practically stranded us out in the boonies where we live. We actually spent the night in town at my aunt Jacqueline's house to make sure we could get to the hospital on time. We were driving a big 4-wheel drive Dodge Ram truck that could go anywhere, but we didn't want me to be in labor & deliver in it!

When we got to the hospital, I was already over 3 cm & 80%+ dilated. I was scheduled for 'augmentation' which was Dr. B's code for induction. Around 6 am they plugged me into the Pitocin drip. For many hours, nothing really happened. I read a 300 page book. When I'd have a contraction, I'd hold my breath & say, "That was a good one." Then Andrew & I would look at the monitors to see how 'good' of a contraction it was. Then the nurses kept coming in every 15 minutes or so to fiddle with my IV. They kept turning it down more & more. I had gone into labor on my own & they were no longer in control. I wasn't hurting much, so I decided to wait for Dr. B to break my water before getting my epidural. BIG MISTAKE!!! Once my water was broken the contractions started HURTING! They couldn't give me my epidural fast enough!!! However, I sat really still like a good little girl & they got me started quickly. About 2 hours after the epidural went in, Dr. B came in & asked me to push on her count. Andrew held my hand & coaxed me into breathing through the oxygen mask. Ten pushes later (about 10 minutes too), Simon was born at 6:36 pm February 14th. Ever since then our world has pretty much revolved around him.

On his first birthday we had a party for him. He did the requisite face-plant in his cake. He also attempted to blow the candles out himself. That night he decided he was a big boy and no longer wanted to nurse. I was happy, but also sad because it was already a sign of him growing up.

Last year, for his 2nd birthday, I was recovering from chemo while pregnant, delivering Rachel, and finishing up chemo after delivery. I was also preparing for my bilateral mastectomy and implant reconstruction. As a matter of fact, we had been in Houston for doctors' appointments on February the 11th, came home for Simon's party, and went back to Houston for my surgery February 19th. He had a tractor cake made by my mom & he LOVED it! He blew all his candles out and had a blast. He even shared the spot-light with Rachel to a degree since she was so little & new everyone wanted her.

This year for his birthday, all the usual suspects were present - my family gang! We had Kid's Haute Cuisine (basically kid favorites made much more tolerable to adult palates). Mom made scrumptious sugar cookies with home-made icing in race-car, hearts, & flowers. Some of them she skewered and made into a bouquet. Dad made Piglets in a Blanket (Lil Smokies = Piglets) and 6 various, but all delicious, dipping sauces. Jill made terrific corn fritters as well as comforting baked Mac 'n Cheese in cupcake pans. Laura & Rowan brought a chocolate fountain with strawberries, bananas, blueberries, & marshmallows. Can you say "YUM"? My contribution were bite-sized, crust-less PB&J sandwiches. As usual, the kids were having more fun running around than eating, but I think they all relished the fact that we had some of their favorite dishes available for them.

We played "Put Yourself in the Driver's Seat" - my very own variation of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey". Each child colored their very own gender specific cut-out child. Then they were challenged to put their driver in the driver's seat of the tractor I'd created out of a card-board box. The littlest (Lukas & Rachel) just staggered up there with my help & placed their cut-outs. The 3-year olds (Simon & Sarah) were blind-folded. Sarah objected to the blindfold, so she forfeited her turn. The older children (Abby - 5 in March, Corbin - 5 in September, & Evan - 6) had blind-folds AND were spun the amount of years between Simon's age & theirs. The winner was Corbin who was really quite spot-on. Next we tried to play a static-electricity game with the balloons, but it didn't work out so well. However, the balloons in general (I blew up 25 with my own air) were a big hit - sometimes literally as the boys & girls took them & pounded each other with them.

Simon was really quite impressed with his gifts too. He got a Cars bed tent, a Cars sleeping bag, a lantern, boots, a Cars puzzle, a monster truck, a Cars eating set, a firetruck, a dump-truck, a Ford tractor, and Cars books. His favorite seemed to be the firetruck & dump-truck for the time being. He changes favorites like most people change their clothes. All in all I think he had a great time. He's so excited he can't sleep, plus he's having some paranoia about bugs right now.

Sex sells?

2011-02-10T15:49:00.000-06:00

As the new(ish) mother of a little girl, I find myself faced with so many choices of clothing for her. She's only a year old, but wearing 24 month sized clothing. As I look through on-line catalogs and in magazines I see things that simply shock me. Not so much aimed at her age, although the 24M stuff sometimes borders on shocking to me. I see tiny little girls wearing little less than bras & panties or logos that are *way* too easily mis-interpreted (actually, just interpreted - I think the intention is there). Now, I can hear some out there saying, "You're just a prude or not 'in style' - there's nothing wrong with it." However, I disagree. I have no problem with Rachel wearing little girl dresses and knee socks - even thought that has become fetish-wear - simply because she *IS* a little girl. However, I draw the line when little girls are wearing things that *I* would consider too 'sexy' for everyday wear for myself. I also hate having my child be a poster for a particular brand. I mean, I love the quality of certain brands, but I love them even more when the only identification is on the tag - not plastered all over the article.

Its not just the clothes either. The TV shows, costumes, and movies are becoming so very sexualized it is difficult to know who the audience is meant to be - children or adults. A blogosphere-friend of mine just reviewed the current wolf animated movie. I trust her judgement & she mentioned that within the first 15 minutes the female dogs were 'strutting their stuff' in front of the males and the 'alpha' male was strutting around & getting comments from the females about being hot & such - I'm sure there was some panting & drooling going on as well. That may sound innocent enough, but is it really necessary in a children's movie? Here's how I see this playing out... Innocent children watch this male-female interaction and mimic it among themselves. Soon, an adult sees it & thinks its cute. The adult drags out the video camera (or phone) and posts to YouTube or FB. Then some pervert gets his/her hands on it and feels sexually stimulated by these innocent children's mimicry of an animated seduction scene. I realize that perverts can take any video or image of a child & turn it into something gross, but when the primary intent of the initial scene (from the movie) is seduction, it just makes it that much easier and worse in my opinion.

At the same time, local events have brought sexual abuse in the clergy to the forefront again. I am NOT saying that any child 'asks' for sexual abuse. I definitely know better than that. However, I do believe that innocence is lost much sooner these days. Immodest (sometimes blatantly sexual) clothing and behavior make children easier targets for thes sexual predators. There is NO excuse for any sexual abuse, but in my opinion neither is there an excuse for teaching our children these immodest values. Things are much different now than even when I was growing up (I'm 29). I knew the rudiments of sex as a child from living on a farm. Animals had 'boyfriends' and 'girlfriends' that 'spent the night together' to make babies. This understanding lasted a *very* long time (thanks mom & dad). This is what I want for my children. I don't want them corrupted by society's unwavering facination with sex, power, and money.

At this point, I find myself second-guessing my own actions with my children. While as a whole society has become very much more sexualized, we have also emphasized 'wrong touches'. It makes certain things you must do to keep your children in good health, seem questionable. If someone asked either of my children if mommy or daddy had touched them, they'd say yes. When you're wiping poop off wiggly hineys (and other assorted body parts), there's a lot of touching going on down there. When you have a little boy, there's a certain amount of checking that must be done on occasion. Its definitely not done with any sexual intent, but if the wrong person asked in the wrong way, it could appear so. So on the one hand, society causes our children to be (over)sexualized too soon, but it also makes parents paranoid about doing basic cleaning & maintenance of their children's bodies.

I guess the point of this post is that I think society has done us ALL a disservice. The Sexual Revolution has spun out of control. Public health officials are recommending children as young as 9 (male & female) get vaccinated for an STD (the HPV vaccine). Clothing manufacturers are producing clothing more fit for a brothel than a play-room. Animation studios are producing shows with more adult content and less innocence. As parents and members of society as a whole, we MUST stand up for our beliefs. Its not about religion or even morals as much as it is about protecting our children who are the world's future. I just pray that its not too late!

Wholly concerned...

2011-02-09T13:49:00.000-06:00

I've got several concerns at the moment. I'm trying to not freak out and think the worst, but sometimes its difficult.

1) My mom has been ill with what seems to be the flu for quite some time. She's home in bed instead of spending time (baby-sitting) my kids. I'm not complaining that she's taking time to heal - NOT AT ALL. Instead, I'm concerned for her because she's just been feeling so lousy. She also went with me to my doctors' appointments Monday & immediately started feeling worse. So I feel like part of her illness is my fault. Send up some thoughts & prayers for her if you would.

2a) This my selfish concern(s)... I spent a large portion of Sunday and most of Monday with my mom. I'm scheduled for my reconstruction surgery next Thursday (the 17th). I am absolutely terrified that I'm going to have to post-pone AGAIN. I took the day off of work yesterday because I wasn't feeling up to snuff. Today I had to come back even though I'm not really feeling any better because I don't want to use up all my time off (there's not much) before my surgery. I basically feel like I've been hit by a truck & my head took most of the impact. I'm also exhausted even though I slept for 14 hours night-before-last, took a nap yesterday afternoon (completely unlike me - especially since I was in the living room w/ 2 kids running around), and slept for a good 9 hours last night.

2b) As another side concern, I've been having some bruising lately that doesn't make sense to me. So yesterday as part of my pre-op I had my blood drawn. I have large veins & usually no one has any trouble finding them and getting plenty of blood from me. Not so yesterday. One nurse 'stabbed' me 3 times. She barely filled 2 tubes. One vein blew before she got anything out of it really. Then another nurse came and stuck me in the hand. She managed to get one more tube out of me, but it was a *slow* process that involved a lot of digging around and slow drip-drips of blood into the tube. Since I had some lymph nodes removed on my left side, I only have my right side to give blood. I'm afraid there's some blood problem with me... I'm going to blame any problems I have with my blood (and immunity) on after-effects of the chemo/cancer. That can also make me have to post-pone my surgery.

3) Simon is a wonderful child. He's very smart & I really don't think I'm just saying that because he's mine. However, lately he's been throwing tantrums with frightening regularity. Sometimes the tantrum starts simply because I tell him to pick up a toy or something. Other times its over bigger issues like finishing his food or going to bed. Regardless of the cause, he goes into a crying, screaming, flinging, kicking, and completely unreasonable tantrum at the drop of a hat. His cries mixed with his screaming really hurt my ears - it's that high-pitched wail w/ his mouth wide open. When he flings himself to the ground (&/or does the limp noodle) it hurts to try to pick him back up & make him do what he's supposed to do. Since the tantrums last for an extended period of time, I get terribly frustrated with him. I don't ever want to punish him while I'm actively frustrated. However, I don't get the luxury of walking away because it seems like he chooses to have these tantrums when Rachel is asleep (right next door to his bedroom) or some other wholly inappropriate time (like the middle of Mass). I also have to contend with Andrew... His anxiety levels ratchet up very quickly when he perceives one of the children in distress. When his anxiety levels sky-rocket his first instinct is to give into the child's desires instead of ignoring the child & helping me stay strong. Simon is also frustrating me to no end because he will not attempt to potty train. He'll be 3 on Valentine's day & he's still not even vaguely potty training...

4) Rachel is another wonderful child. She's very smart too (same as with Simon - I don't think I'm just saying that because she's mine). However, her intelligence is already causing her to be a bit of a handful. She already knows how to play the game of snatching & running away. She knows she's not supposed to do something (like smack at the computer), but she does it anyway. Then I (or whoever) tell her "no". She looks at me (or whoever) and does it again. Then she gets her hand tapped. She jerks back quickly, but immediately darts back into whatever she wasn't supposed to do.I can even remove her from the vicinity of her 'temptation' and she'll make a direct bee-line for the no-no object/action again. This process can go on & on for what seems like hours.

I know I have been amply blessed by God with my family. I know that it is all in God's hands. I keep repeating "Jesus I trust in You" to myself. Hopefully, eventually, I'll believe it. :-)

Hi Sarah!!

2011-02-07T21:39:00.000-06:00

I had doctors' appointments today. One with Dr. B to check on my gyn progress. I spoke to her about my still frequent hot-flashes. I get at least 10 a day & at least 1/2 of those are all-over body sweat ones, some are anxiety attacks, & some are accompanied by chills. She's changed my medication again & we're hoping it'll help this time.

My next appointment was with Dr. S. my reconstruction surgeon. Although I did not specifically meet with her, I met with some of her staff. I got an entire booklet that lets me know what to do, what's going on, what to expect, and even more information. I'm so excited I don't know that I can contain myself! I NEVER thought I'd be excited to have surgery - much less plastic surgery! But its true - this is one step closer (maybe the close) of feeling 'normal' again. To those of you who haven't experienced anything like that, you really can't identify, but anyone who has experienced something similar, you'll recognize the absolute JOY I feel about finally maybe feeling 'normal' again! I know at this moment I 'look' normal in clothing, but my view is different than the typical person's (thanks be to God). Plus I have to feel these rocks on my chest. I've surprised a few people by letting them feel them. They're always shocked at how hard and un-forgiving the expanders are. Even Andrew made the comment that it feels like an I-beam on his chest if I'm pressed against him.

After those doctors' appointments, Mom & I had another girls day. Just like usual, we only went to one store. We picked out things for Simon's birthday party on Sunday (he'll be 3 on Valentine's Day). It was an excellent girls day if I do say so myself. Even though we were afraid of the weather, we had a great time together. It is again apparent how similar we are in our thought processes & even coincidental things. I LOVE spending time with my mom!

A new perspective?

2011-02-01T08:23:00.000-06:00

I've felt called lately to listen to Catholic radio in the mornings. I get to work 30 minutes to an hour before my co-workers so I've been tuning to EWTN or Catholic Radio on Sirius. This morning I caught 7 am Mass on EWTN. However, I'm torn. I'm at work to work (in a government setting - even though we're pretty relaxed) & we have the radio as entertainment. However, I felt kind of inappropriate listening to Mass while I dealt with my case-work. It just seemed an injustice to the Mass (even though I wasn't in attendance) to be thinking about crimes against people while participating long-distance with the Mass. The other morning I was driving & listening to the Mass & it still felt inappropriate - although not as bad as this morning - because I try to pay strict attention to the words & spirit of Mass. What do you guys think?

While I was listening to Mass, the homily was about the race-inspired scripture of St. Paul. You know the one - running the race with Christ as our goal. Winning the race is really about fulfilling our God-given talents and overcoming sin (our competition). Anyway, it made the think about strength. Then, as usual, my thoughts turned to the abortion debate. I've never thought in this light before, so I thought I'd share. The pro-aborts make abortion about the woman's rights and/or her well-being. They can cite facts, figures, and ancedotes about abortion basically being a woman's salvation from a horrible situation. Basically, the pro-aborts equate abortion rights with feminism & woman empowerment. However, I think having the option of abortion has lead to not only the de-feminisation of women, but also as a show of weakness for women.

Everyone (even the pro-aborts) acknowledge that women who overcome their bad situation and carry their baby to term are exceptionally strong. However, I don't think they're *exceptionally* strong - I think they are embracing the inherent strength of woman-hood & motherhood. As women we are give many struggles that even many men admit they could not or would not have a desire or the strength to overcome. One of my husband's favorite sayings is, "Never trust something that can bleed for 7 days & still survive." Its a crude way of expressing the male acknowledgement that women have an inner strength that they don't - even though men are theoretically the 'stronger' sex.

Back to the abortion debate: abortion is a show of weakness because it takes away the need for strength. I'm not saying that abortion is an easy choice (even pro-aborts admit that). I'm also not saying that women who have succumbed to the temptation to abort have had easy lives. Instead I'm saying that if these same women had felt that they had the inner strength that is inherent to women and mothers, they wouldn't have felt the need to abort. Whether their abortion was brought about by personal circumstance, poor fetal prognosis, poor maternal prognosis, etc; these women would *not* have felt the need to abort if they had trusted themselves to have the strength to carry to term. In other words, these women short-changed themselves because society has taught them to short-change themselves.

While feminism claims to empower women by making them 'equal' to men, in reality it reduces us to male strictures. Women and men are fundamentally different on many levels.That's why God paired us as he did. He knew our strengths and weaknesses. He designed us to complement each other (compliments are also appreciated). Feminism has made women try to become men. However, this has made us less than we were intended to be. We don't embrace our God-given strengths because we're too busy trying to emulate men's God-given strengths.

Having abortion as an option has lead to women not trusting themselves to be strong enough to face what women have *always* faced - their femininity. It has lead to the acceptance that women aren't strong enough to face the difficult situations we find ourselves facing. Instead we have to terminate a life growing within us in order to make ourselves feel like we're in control. Instead of protecting that life within our bodies, women are made the think of their babies as alien invaders. Instead of realizing that being the protector of innocent life requires more strength of character and will than terminating that life, women are mislead to believe their lives will be better and easier without that responsibility and gift. Women are being taught that shirking responsibility is what is *best* for them and society. So instead of abortion freeing women and making us stronger, it is actually whittling away at our inherent strengths.

Pray to end abortion. Pray for women who have had abortions & who will have abortions. Pray for the aborted babies. Pray for hearts to change.

New reason to surf the web... Cha Cha!!!

2011-01-28T21:43:00.001-06:00

One of my friends was throwing out suggestions to keep Andrew busy while I'm at work. The friend suggested signing up as a 'Guide' on Cha Cha. I'm in the midst of the registration process, so I'll report back once I pass the test & start 'working'. Right now I'm answering 'test' questions & being graded on my answers... I hope it gets more interesting!

The most important right - LIFE!

2011-01-24T07:57:00.000-06:00

Today is the annual March for Life against the atrocity of abortion. I've never been able to attend the March in Washington DC, but my heart is close to those that are attending.

There are very few things in life more precious than life. Without life the planet would be empty. Those that argue for abortion say that the already born lives are worth more than unborn lives. They also quibble about when the Constitutional right to life begins. They label pro-lifers as extremists, religious fanatics, and cold-hearted toward women. They claim that science backs their stance that until birth, an unborn child is not a child at all, but simply an extension of the woman's body. It saddens me to hear women give this last explanation if they have already carried a child to term.

If you've ever been pregnant (or been around a pregnant woman) I don't understand how you can say the infant in her womb is just an extension of her body. By 15-20 weeks almost all women have felt their infant move within them. You also know, if you've been pregnant or around a pregnant woman, that these infant movements are definitely *not* initiated by the mother. Especially later into the pregnancy, these movements aren't even very appreciated by the mother as internal organs begin getting pinched, poked, kicked, sat upon, etc. The infant in the womb is most definitely a separate human with a mind, body, & soul of its own.

Science differentiates sub-species and variants of the smallest life-forms (bacteria, viruses, etc). It baffles me how this same 'group' can deny that upon conception, a new life begins. As soon as the egg is fertilized, there are dynamic changes within the woman's body. Chromosomes are paired and unique to this individual (or individuals in the case of identical twins - even they have some regions of their DNA that are variable sometimes) and completely separate from the mother. The gender of this baby is already established although definitely not visible. Shortly after conception, the embryo (or pre-embryo as some like to call it) begins its own metabolism. The embryo begins dividing, growing, and travelling down the fallopian tubes into the uterus. Once implanted the embryo begins to develop its protective placenta and amniotic sac. The unborn baby will reside in the mothers uterus for approximately 9 months. Although entirely dependant on the mother for nutrients and other metabolic necessities, the unborn baby's internal organs are fully functional from as early as 10 weeks. The unborn baby is genetically different from both mother & father. The unborn baby is capable of movement, reactions, 'breathing' (amniotic fluid), metabolism, & even thought. How can the term 'life' be given to bacteria, viruses (they don't even metabolize on their own), and other single celled organisms, but not to an exquitely created multi-celled unborn baby?

Historically, MLK, Rosa Parks, etc fought for civil rights for minorities (particularly African Americans). Prior to the civil rights movement, African Americans were thought to lack feeling, intelligence, and the ability to live on their own (just to name a few). In other words, they were classified as less than human. Civil rights leaders fought to dispel these myths. They were met with hostility and fuzzy science. They were persecuted and ostracized from society. They were labeled as extremists. They were slaughtered. However, they were allowed the fundamental right to life and grow and therefore they were capable of defending themselves and speaking out for themselves. The unborn are denied that most fundamental right, so we pro-lifers must take up their cause. MLK's relative, Avelda King is an advocate for both civil rights for minorities AND for the right to life for the unborn. She has pointed out that the number of minorities aborted is absurdly high. Minorities are coerced and told by society that they are incapable of controlling their bodies (ie avoiding sex & pregnancy in the first place) and that they are incapable of handling their own lives and those of their children. That is patently false.

I know there are many pro-aborts out there who claim to be 'personally pro-life' but feel its not their 'place' to tell another woman what to do with her body. On one hand, I agree. I'm not presuming (nor are any of the pro-lifers) to tell women what to do with their bodies. Instead, I'm asking women (and men) to be responsible for their actions. Contrary to popular belief, sex (protected, safe, or not) is scientifically documented to result in pregnancy. That's the purpose of sex (just look at the animal kingdom). Therefore, if men & women were responsible with their bodies and actions, abortion would not be necessary. Now, I know some out there are thinking, but what about rape, incest, pre-natal diagnosises that are incompatible with life? My answer is that even in these cases, the unborn baby did nothing wrong to deserve a death sentence. No, in rape & incest, it is definitely not the mother's fault she conceived. However, it is also not the fault of her unborn child. Regardless of the fact that 1/2 of that baby's genes came from the rapist father, the other 1/2 are fully from the mother. That is *her* flesh and blood. The child did not ask to be conceived just as the mother did not ask to be raped. However, the woman should not simply snuff out the child's life. That's two wrongs (rape & murder) not equalling a right. As for incompatible with life pre-natal diagnosises, well, they're wrong a good portion of time - in other words, both mother & baby are fine. Plus, again, the child did not ask to be conceived, nor if asked would it chose to die. Sure, some out there are thinking, but if the child is going to suffer and die upon birth (if the diagnosis is correct), why not just 'end' its misery? Well, my great-grandmother is 95. She's going to die soon (probably). She has arthritis something awful as well as osteoporosis and some dementia. She even sometimes says, "I don't know why God hasn't called me home." However, it would not be right for me to snuff out her life. As a matter of fact, I would be prosecuted in a court of law for hastening her death.

As a society, nowdays people are outraged at animal shelters that euthanize unwanted animals. However, society turns a blind eye to killing the unborn. Sure, the unwanted (and sometimes ill, maimed, etc) animals are already 'alive' and independent. Sure they're cute and cuddly. However, they are *animals*. I love my animals (I have quite a menagerie), don't get me wrong. However, if I must chose between a human life and an animal life, the human will win *EVERY* time. That's because humans operate on a higher plane than animals. We rationalize and control our own destinies (whether for good or bad is up to us).

So please, join me in praying for hearts to change. Let the most innocent of us - the unborn - have the right to life. End the atrocity called abortion. Whether you're Catholic (& should definitely be pro-life) or aethist, matters not. All that matters is that unborn human babies are given the opportunity to live their lives to the fullest - beyond the womb!

Evangelization?

2011-01-21T21:23:00.002-06:00

Some of my FB friends & I just had a conversation about how the phenomenon of blogging has affected life in general. One of them ran across a blog that referenced the bloggers 'addiction' to Mormon mommy blogs. The blogger in question is a self-proclaimed atheist liberated woman. My friends & I are somewhat envious of the attention the Mormon mommy blogs get. According to the aforementioned blogger, many of her like-minded friends are impressed by the Mormon mommy blogs depiction of motherhood as fun, easy, and enjoyable. She also noted that the Mormons seem to value family over all else.

I'm not knocking the Mormons at all, but I'm saddened by the fact that Catholic values aren't as accepted in the main-stream. We have 'Catholics' (in name only) that go completely against the Church's position on abortion, homosexual activity, birth control, etc. When a good Catholic stands up for the Church, we're knocked down & told that we're stuck in ancient times & need to get with the program. We're labeled as hypocritical, judgmental, and cold-hearted. The Catholic Church is attacked it seems almost daily in one form or another. Most TV shows eventually have anti-Catholic sentiments if not outright blasphemous episodes. Our pope is laughed about, our ceremonies are secularized, our beautiful history is covered by the slightest scandal, etc.

I proposed to my friends on FB that we should start our own network of Catholic mommy blogs. Afterall, we have a strict family & sanctity of life moral code written into our Faith. Many of my FB friends are the not-so-common stay-at-home mom's with more than 2.5 children (I think our highest child bearer has 10+). We aren't entirely main-stream, but we enjoy a good drink, a good laugh, and sharing 'war' stories with each other. Most of us in one way or another have embraced the 'greener' side of life - whether through our eating habits, family planning (as in Natural), household items, baby-wearing, recycling, and generally good stewardship as preferred by our Faith. We don't always agree with one another, but we support each other in our everyday struggles to be the best women, wives, mothers, daughters, stewards, AND Catholics that we possibly can. We lift one another up in prayer. We commiserate in parenting 'failures'.

With this as my jumping point, I've decided to try to have at least one Catholic-based post per week. I may not make it & it may not be obvious, but I'm going to try. I've kept most of my posts fairly ecumenical so far (I think), but maybe I'll let my true Faith shine through. Perhaps it'll effect a change in my outlook as well as yours! Good luck & God bless!

Evangelization?

2011-01-21T21:10:00.001-06:00

Simon says the darnedest things!

2011-01-20T12:13:00.000-06:00

Simon is a walking-talking piece of comic relief. It seems like the words & phrases that trip out of his mouth are intended to be funny. He asks us to 'turn the fire on'. He calls Rachel a 'feather' - I'm still not quite sure what that means exactly. Last night I had him help me tuck Rachel into bed. As I worked on her bed, he sat next to the crib and said, "We need to tell her a pony story." I told him to go ahead with it. His story began simply enough, "One night there was a big rescue pony." Then it began to get a bit funnier. "The big rescue pony was bad, so the policemen were chasing it. The big bad pony went to the bad store to get bad stuff." The story didn't continue. We're left hanging with a cliff-hanger.

Simon is also very sweet to Rachel (besides telling her bed-time stories with no endings). I've been trying to encourage him to be a 'big' boy in the hopes that he'll want to be a big boy & use the potty. So I emphasize that Rachel is little and needs his help & for him to be gentle with her. So we instituted family bed-time prayers. Rachel sits in my lap, Andrew sits in his chair, and Simon eventually climbs into my lap too. He's very good at his prayers now. He does his version of the sign of the cross while saying the words *very* loudly. Our bed-time prayer is the Guardian Angel prayer (Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here. Ever this day be at my side, to light, guard, rule and guide. Amen.). Simon has been hearing this prayer his entire life, but he's just now getting confident enough to say it. The words he hits are impressive & actually add more meaning to the prayer. Somehow he knows the most important parts. He says, "Angel of *God*, my *guardian* dear, to whom *God's love* commits me here. Ever this day, be at my side, to light, *guard*, rule and *guide*." (The starred words indicate ones he says quite loudly). We then do our intentions. He gets to say whoever's names he wants. A lot of the times his choices are very appropriate. The people he lists are often the ones that in my opinion need it most. We also sing "Ode to Joy" nightly. This is something else Simon has heard his entire life; he calls it "Joy, joy". He sings it similarly to how he says the Guardian Angel prayer. His version goes something like this, "*Joy, joy*... adore... *God*... glory... love. Hearts... flowers... Sun above... Clouds... sin and sadness... Dark... away... Immortal gladness... light of day." He doesn't know all the words, but those are the ones he sings consistently. His soft toddler voice is so sweet. As he sings this song to Rachel he climbs into my lap & kisses her during parts that he doesn't know. By the time we're finished he has his forehead pressed to hers. Rachel sits and just absorbs it all. I sit there and my heart swells with gratitude and praise to God for blessing me so abundantly.

Its been a while again...

2011-01-13T10:56:00.000-06:00

It seems like I'm always behind. I was looking through my recent blog posts & realized I hadn't devoted one to the kids lately. So all of you out there who enjoy reading about their antics are about to get a thrill!

So Christmas was awesome for both Simon & Rachel. Simon of course has reached that magic age where he can anticipate, but he doesn't fully understand the concept yet. His presents from us were high $$: a John Deere pedal combine complete with corn header & a 20 piece set of Pixar/Disney Cars (all the main characters from the movie except Mac). We tricked him with the combine. Andrew wrapped only the header & left the rest of it in the building until Christmas morning. Simon knew he was getting the combine (thanks to Andrew), so when he saw the size of the box he was puzzled to say the least. Then when he opened it & saw this two feet of corn header & nothing to put it one, he was flabbergasted. He was running around checking under the tree to make 'Santa' hadn't forgotten the rest of it. Then Andrew wheeled the big thing in the living room. I thought Simon was going to fly across the room! Its a bit to big for him to pedal right now, both weight & pedal length, but that's great because it'll last him longer. The other day he spontaneously burst into singing "In excelsis Deo" only it sounded more like "In Chelsea's day-o". It was absoultely precious!

We're playing again at potty training. This time we've made a chart w/ characters from Disney/Pixar Cars on it. Each potty activity has a line where he can collect stickers. We've told him that when he fills up a line he'll get a new car. He's gotten better than he was, he doesn't scream & cry when I try to make him sit or stand by the potty. The other day he stood in front of the potty on command & peed! We were already on our way to town, so we took him to the tractor store in the mall to get a new tractor. The catch is that he doesn't get the tractor if he pees in his pants/pull-up. We've also been letting him just wear his pants w/o a pull-up or underwear in the afternoons after nap. The goal is to get him to be self-aware again. I think he's been in the pull-ups for so long he's forgotten the consequence of peeing on himself. So I'm hoping his neat-freak ideas will help potty-train him!

Rachel's home Christmas probably wasn't as wonderful for her as her grandmother Christmases. She loves the noise and activity of everyone gathered together. She loves the other kids and wrestling around with them. She's walking very well now, so she teetered along after the big kids trying to get into trouble. Of course, since she's the little diva, she had at least 2 ward-robe changes per celebration. If I do say so myself, she looked fab in everything! Her most favorite present right now has got to be her Violet the puppy LeapFrog stuffed animal. We've 'taught' it her name, favorite color, food, & animal. We've also 'taught' it some of her favorite songs. Otherwise, she's more into the people around her than her toys, so the gifts didn't make a huge impression on her.

She's got to be the most engaging baby I've ever seen. At this point in her life she sounds like one of those Indian singing girls or a yodeler when she 'talks'. She runs through the house yodelling at the top of her lungs. She's got good lungs too! More and more of her personality keeps coming through. I thought she was quite laid-back as a baby, but now as a toddler she's developed a distinct 'want-it-right-now' attitude. She'll pick up her empty sippy cup & scream/grunt at you until you get up to refill it. Now, I'm sure the grandma's would disagree & say she's just a perfect angel (I get that a lot), but that's what she does at home. She's also been showing me she's ready for bed lately by wandering into her room. She comes back out & looks at me, then toddles right back in there. She must be growing too because she's eating *everything* in sight & sleeping quite a bit. I have not found a food yet that she doesn't like. We laugh & say we probably don't even need to cook it (something like oatmeal) because she can put away so much food with gusto!

Together they are at times exasperating and entertaining. They love each other so much, yet already display some of the famed sibling rivalry. They compete for Andrew's devotion. If one is in his lap, the other starts whining for his attention too. Sometimes we can set their sibling rivalry against them, for instance, Simon will eat better if he thinks I'm going to give Rachel his left-overs. At this point, Simon is showing his instigation skills while Rachel is showing her tattle-taling skills. Simon will lead her somewhere they both know we don't want them & Rachel will grunt &/or cry until we come get them both. She'll also spontaneously burst into tears even when Simon's well away from her (& didn't have anything to do with her falling down). I'm so glad I've been blessed with such individuals!

Temperament

2011-01-03T09:42:00.001-06:00

I took this quiz & got Melancholic as my result... What are you?

http://www.fisheaters.com/quizm.html

Oh No!!!

2010-12-10T08:36:00.002-06:00

Just the other day I got a letter in the mail from MD Anderson. In that letter was the notification that my plastic surgeon is leaving December 17th. I realize that sounds kind of superficial, whining about my plastic surgeon leaving, but the plastic surgery is the primary component of my treatment that's supposed to make me look 'normal' again. I have gone to a plastic surgeon in Louisville - for follow-up and fills - but his vision and methods for my reconstruction were *VERY* different than those of the doctor in Houston. Since the reconstruction is actually what I'm going to live with for at minimal 10 years (baring unforseen complications), it is *really* important to me that the final results be as close to my 'normal' as possible as well as maybe improving things a bit. I would have had my reconstruction finished by now if my gynecology oncological surgery hadn't gone so poorly and if I hadn't required another emergency surgery a month later. However, I can't change the past, so I was looking forward to the fabulous results I thought the plastic surgeon in Houston could give me. Actually, at this point I'm kind of considering staying local for the plastics part if I'm going to have to break in a new doctor anyway. I actually have my Houston doctor's pager number & he's willing to speak to me on the phone about that option. I'm going to call today!

In other news, my first *real* day at work was a success. Wednesday I was in Frankfort for a meeting, so while I was technically working, it wasn't really my day-to-day tasks. However, yesterday I arrived at my home-away-from-home and after updating my office with photos of the kids, a statue of St. Peregrine, & a holy card, I began my work in earnest. I spent much of the day trying contact the various investigating officers in charge of my cases. However, I did actually work a case as well! Its actually quite a relief to be back to doing my normal things. I don't feel quite as useless and out-of-touch.

Meanwhile, the kids were with mom. She had them doing crafts - clothespin angels - as well as playing as usual. It was *very* heartwarming to go pick them up last night. Both of them came running, well Rachel tried to run, to the door exclaiming for me. Simon was actually saying "Mommy". Rachel says "momma" when I'm not around, but when I arrive she either gibbers or says "nana" or "dada". I don't know why neither of my babies (at this age) will call me by "momma". Its amazing how quickly Rachel has learned to walk and even try to run. She still staggers like a drunk at times and falls frequently. However, the staggering and falling is abating. She's making great strides!

While I was driving home and picking up the kids, Andrew, aka Mr. Househusband, was cooking supper. I arrived home with the kids to a clean house and food on the table! Whoot, whoot!!! I also saw his handsome face! ;-) Like Mater from Cars, "I knowed I made a good choice!" We all spent the evening playing. All in all, my 1st day back was not as traumatic as I was dreading!

Thank you to KSP Employees!

2010-12-09T08:47:00.000-06:00

It is with great gratitude that I return to work today. I am so deeply moved by all those who have participated in the time-donation that has allowed me to have a work-worry-free time to recover from my cancer surgeries. The well-wishes, time, and prayers have been a great boon for me while I recovered. Just last night I went through some of my get-well wishes & they brought tears to my eyes. I never imagined I would be the beneficiary of such love and care from those I can't even name! I appreciate every hour that was donated to me. I know that without your support I would not have been able to recuperate as effectively as I have. The journey has not been easy, but you have given me peace of mind (on the work-front) that has helped. Thank you with all my heart!

For any of those who don't know, the reason it has taken me so long to return was that my simple surgery went very poorly. I ended up having to have two surgeries about a month apart from one another. In both instances, I was unknowingly much closer to death (by bleeding first and by infection second) during both of these surgeries. Since the surgeries were much more complicated and traumatic for my body to deal with, my recovery time was lengthened. As a matter of fact, the first surgery went so poorly that the second part of it was not completed. After having the second surgery, I was mandated to delay my reconstruction process another 3-6 months. However, I have sufficiently recovered at this point to return to work.

Also, the kids are doing great! Rachel had her first birthday the Friday after Thanksgiving. Even after receiving chemo while still in utero, she is growing wonderfully. She's learning to walk and talk now. Her brother, Simon, helps her as only a big brother can! They thank you for the support you've given their mommy too! :-)

Da dum da dum... SHARKS!

2010-12-06T12:56:00.003-06:00

Not as in Jaws, but Sharks as in the Shark line of cleaners. I'm going to veer from my normal course of posting & give my version of a review. I own three Shark devices: a Sweeper Vaccuum, a Vac then Steam, and a Handheld Steam Scrubber. I'll start with the sweeper since I've had it the longest.

Shark Sweeper Vaccuum: *** First of all, I bought it to replace my Swivel-Sweeper after the battery on it went kaput. I was thinking the Shark looked a bit more powerful and therefore would do more for me. I was kind of wrong. I still miss my Swivel-Sweeper. The Shark Sweeper is ok, but it has a tendency to throw stuff behind it and/or just push stuff around on the floor. It does the best job on the carpet (the opposite of the Swivel-Sweeper). As long as you're not fastidious about getting *every* single crumb & piece of dust, this does an ok job. It is light-weight, has a long cord, collapses to get under things, and easy to dump. I use it probably at least 3-4 times a week for quick pick-ups and to clean off my door mats. I give it 3 stars out of a possible 5.

Shark Vac then Steam: **** I bought this because I asked around on FB and it seemed to be something most people liked. It also had good reviews other places online. I had just spent an entire day just cleaning the floors in my kitchen & dining room on my hands & knees. Andrew didn't like that I had to work that hard. I was skeptical since its a 2-in-1 kind of thing. Usually, in my experience, things that claim to do multiple tasks don't do a very good job. Case in point, my mom has a Bissel bare-floor vac-then-mop (not sure of the actual name). It does a MUCH less than stellar job of vaccuuming and a decent job of mopping. So when I pulled the Shark out of the box I was prepared to be underwelmed by the vaccuuming action. However, I was very pleasantly surprised. It really does pull stuff away from the walls with its suction. It picked up fine particles as well as the inevitable puffs on the floor from my crumb crunchers. Then I turned on the steamer. Its VERY easy to switch from vac to steam! It takes it a while to produce a full head of steam, but once it does, it seems to do a decent job cleaning. It runs out of steam periodically (about the time my arm gets tired of pushing it), so I have to stop for a few seconds (less than a minute) to let it build back up to full-steam. I've used both pads - one has long 'fingers' of microfibers & the other is more like terry-cloth microfibers - and I think the longer 'fingers' are better for my application (laminate wood flooring). The first couple of rooms looks really nice. However, after extensive use (75% of my house is laminate wood floors), the later rooms begin to streak like they do with a dirty mop. Theoretically, since its sanitizing they're still clean, they just have residue from the pad. I could avoid that by changing pads mid-stream and/or just doing one section of my house at a time. All in all, I think this is a pretty good cleaner. I give it 4 stars out of 5.

Shark Handheld Steam Scrubber: ** This came free when we ordered the Vac then Steam. It was looking forward to it. I hoped it would be something I could use on the kitchen counters, bath-tub, & the like. I also thought I could use it for spot cleaning when I didn't want to get the big one out. I really don't like it much at all. You have to pump the handle to get steam, but I can't find any rhyme or reason to how often or when you pump the handle. Sometimes I pump & get lots of steam, but other times I pump & get nothing. I've tried holding it down while I scrub. I've tried pumping it continuously while I scrub. All to no avail. It does a decent job on simple sanitizing, but its not getting any stains up except for maybe *really* fresh ones. It did get some kool-aid stains off my island/bar, but other kool-aid stains that were slightly older didn't come clean even after repeated steaming. Tea stains are absolutely hopeless with this thing. The pump on the handle is also pretty hard to pump. I don't think I'm that weak, but this thing wears me out after cleaning just my kitchen counters. I'm unsure of whether it can be used on vertical surfaces (walls), but from my attempts, I'm going to say it cannot. Its not absolutely worthless if it really sanitizes like it promises, however, its not all that handy. It has a nice long cord - I appreciate that. It also has similar pads as the Vac then Steam. I had better luck with the shorter 'fingers' than the longer ones with this device. Its shaped like an iron & I think I'm going to try it for some 'off-label' steaming of clothes. If I steam the surface first, then lay the clothes down & steam them, I think it'll work. At this point, I give this 2 stars out of 5.

Another year...

2010-12-03T20:02:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, December 2, I celebrated my 4th wedding anniversary with Andrew. Three days prior to that my mom & dad celebrated their 36th wedding anniversary. I hope that in 32 years, Andrew & I are able to do the same!

It is truly a blessing to have an example like that to emulate. I know that their marriage hasn't always been as it is. I know that it hasn't always been easy. I know that it hasn't always been perfect. However, I see that two very different people can live in not only harmony but true love for longer than I've been alive.

Sometimes they try to give us advice. Part of the time we heed it, but other times we're convinced that we should go our own way. I'm sure it was similar with them and their parents. However, even when we don't take their advice, we are grateful to have their experience and opinions in the back of our minds. That way when/if things go poorly for us, we have another ready-made option to implement.

Mostly, though, I'm glad to have such strong convictions that arose from their education of me and my brothers. My parents have shown great perserverance as well as great love for one another and for God. Without God's blessing, we are all afloat in the sea of worldliness. Without God's blessing and one another, my parents could very easily have been one of the negative statistics. They could have turned from/against one another in times of stress, urest, difficulty, and lack. However, they held tight to their Faith and to one another.

One day I hope that my son or daughter will feel the same way about Andrew & my marriage. I hope to be the kind of parents that children look toward as adults and still want to emulate. I wish to be one of those couples that made it through the hard times together even when it would have been easier to separate. I wish to be one of those couples that holds tight to Faith as well as one another. With prayers and patience, I think we'll make it!

Whew big birthdays!!

2010-11-27T17:53:00.007-06:00

Well, yesterday (11/26) was a BIG day for the Vandiver house-hold! Two giant milestones were celebrated. Andrew hit the big THREE-OH while Rachel hit the big ONE! We had a party for them both, however, most of the emphasis was on Rachel's milestone & not Andrew's.

In keeping with my preference, we decorated primarily with lavendar, butterflies, and flowers. Mom made cupcakes and decorated them as individual flowers! A giant mylar butterfly balloon was the cornerstone while a "Happy 1st Birthday" banner dedicated the party to this momentous occassion. Simon made a sign for Andrew's 30th to hang under the banner to ensure that his daddy wasn't forgotten. The cousins and their associated family members came over to celebrate the day! Dad's potato soup and Brenda's punch were also big hits!

Rachel made us all proud by taking some serious steps. Its like she decided that since she was officially one, she was going to walk like a one-year-old instead of crawling like a baby! She's been taking steps here & there for at least a month or two, but yesterday (and Thanksgiving day) she was walking across rooms instead of just a few feet at a time! Sadly she didn't make any progress on blowing her candle's out, so I did it for her! However, all the kiddos impressed everyone quite nicely by saying their prayers before the meal. Even the littlest ones - Lukas & Rachel - participated by folding their hands. Simon lead the prayer in true style as the guest of honors' son & brother. It was truly a God-inspired gathering!

Recovery?

2010-11-17T20:20:00.004-06:00

Well, I'm still working on recovering. I've found that this cancer thing has changed my physical & mental capabilities & out-look. Right now, these changes have sunk my confidence in myself. I'm working on improving. I've also found that I need to be more confident of myself as an adult. Contrary to how I sound on the Internet, I'm pretty meek & mild when around my elders. I'm also very cautious about hurting others feelings when/if they hurt mine. In other words, in real life, I don't speak out very much. I'd rather remain silent than stop someone near & dear to me from saying more than I want to hear on a subject. I've gotten pretty good at talking to Andrew in my own way, but I haven't been able to branch out to others yet. Its a goal.

Andrew & I have been spending a lot of time at home with the kids the past 2 weeks. Rachel is still not quite walking - she takes 4-6 steps then sits down. She is an absolute leech on Andrew, just like Simon. She's also started throwing temper tantrums. When she doesn't get what she wants (like picked up by Andrew) she flings herself onto the floor & rolls around while moaning. Its kind of funny, but its also scary because I don't want her to be so spoiled. She chatters like a Magpie too. I think one of her words is "horsie" which makes me happy! She can also say: mama, dada (one of her top 2 words), bye-bye, nana (one of her top 2 words), papa, nanny, papaw, and ninin (I think that's Simon). She's obsessed with my Breyer horses and Simon's cars. She also likes books, but won't sit still for a whole one to be read to her.

Simon is still not potty trained. I'm pretty disappointed. If we press him to potty in the potty too much he'll just hold it in. He also cries like his heart is broken if we try. Otherwise he's doing quite well. Right now he's on a hunger strike. He's not eating, but he's drinking. Both he & Rachel have had some sort of viral mucus funk. I thought he had it first, but now that Rachel has recovered he seems like he's got it again/still. He's been really cuddly lately (that's his sickness mode). He & Rachel roll around on the floor and wrestle all the time. They love to play with one of my blankets - peek a boo mostly.

Overall, I think our little household is doing pretty well. Both kids are kind of spoiled, but Andrew & I have talked about how we're going to prevent further spoiling (in our house) and hopefully reverse some of the spoiling. We're still working on communication. Tomorrow (November 18th) will mark 5 years since Andrew & I first met! So much has changed, yet so much has stayed the same! Hopefully things will get better! :-)

New start?

2010-11-09T20:12:00.003-06:00

I've enlisted all my strength to try to start over again. I'm trying to keep myself *very* busy so I don't think about my physical problems. I'm also trying to just not think too much period. Today I helped Andrew in his 'new' man-cave/semi-trailer w/o wheels. We built a work-bench. This is probably the 1st time we've worked together on something like this as such a good team. I'm usually with the kids or trying to do something else. I think I may have surprised him by my familiarity with the process & such. I may not be a girly-girl, but I've tried to avoid too much heavy lifting since we've been married - mostly because I've been pregnant on & off (mostly on with the 2 live babies & 4 miscarriages in less than 4 years). Anyway, today I was able to hand him things w/o him asking and be a couple steps ahead sometimes. I was quite proud of myself. I think the work-bench looks great! Hopefully I was also able to help him work smarter & not harder for his back's sake.

Of course, the semi-heavy lifting I did was not without consequences. My foobs are burning & my lower abdomen where my scars are hurts pretty bad. However, I think it made my mental/emotional picture better today. I still think this cancer stuff is horribly long-lasting, but maybe I'm going to be better soon. I hope & pray...

I'm voting Pro-life - How about you?

2010-10-26T22:43:00.004-05:00

Its that time of year again - election time. In our times there are so many issues that are important. However, no other rights or issues would exist if we did not have the right to life. When it is argued that a woman has the right to her own body, a friend of mine asks, when does that right to her body begin? After all, aren't 1/2 of the aborted babies (logically if not factually) female? Therefore, when I cast my ballot, I ALWAYS chose the most pro-life candidate regardless of office, party, age, gender, or other issues. If both candidates are pro-life, I judge according to their other beliefs on issues near to my heart. If neither candidate is pro-life, I may abstain from voting, write my own candidate in, or cast my ballot for the one that will do the least harm. However, my preference is to vote for a candidate who is unabashedly pro-life in word, deed, and history. I also have a pretty stringent ideal for my pro-life candidates. Not only should they be against abortion; they should also support a ban on embryonic stem cell research (research that has not yet yielded positive results especially when compared to adult stem cell research & therapy). My candidates should also support programs designed to further our respect for all human life at conception, during illness, close to death, handicapped, etc. My candidates are also hopefully proponents for abstinence education and not push birth control on our youngsters. These requirements may sound idealistic, but IMO we should EXPECT more out of our candidates than the lies and increased expenses. They are supposed to be our representatives, but how can they represent us if they don't support what we support?

Breast cancer awareness & Life alerts

2010-10-14T20:15:00.002-05:00

Its that time of year again. The time when you can't go anywhere or do anything without running into pink this or that marked with a pink ribbon. While I appreciate the sentiment as a 5th generation breast cancer survivor, it really irks me that some of the most prominent organizations that support breast cancer research are hand-in-hand with the nation (world's?) leader in abortion services. In 2009, the Susan G Komen foundation gave $7.5 MILLION dollars to Planned Parenthood. However, in 2008 (another banner year of donations for SGK going to PP) breast cancer services (mammograms & other screenings) went down 4% while abortion rates INCREASED by 6%. That is NOT what most supporters of SGK intend, at least not among those I have befriended. As a matter of fact, I know some women who are very active in their local SGK & have said that their local SGK does *not* fund PP. However, there is a slippery slope there... The local SGK chapters send money to the national SGK. The *national* SGK is the one funding PP - not necessarily the local chapters. So in essence, any support of *any* SGK chapter is supporting PP. There is also growing evidence that even abortion supporters cannot deny that abortions INCREASE a woman's chance of breast cancer. So, riddle me this... Why is SGK giving money to the biggest provider of abortions (PP) - especially in light of the troubling statistics from 2008, the troubling research coming to light about the link between breast cancer & abortions, and in the face of PP receiving MILLIONS from the government?

As a 5th generation breast cancer survivor, a mother, a woman, and a pro-life Catholic (isn't it sad that I have to differentiate on that issue with other Catholics?), SGK's association with PP deeply troubles me. Through my research I've found that other seemingly innocent organizations supposedly trying to eliminate breast cancer (or any cancer) also donate tremendous amounts of money to PP. Some organizations are open about it (SGK is), but many others deny all claims. For instance, although the American Cancer Society claims to not donate money to or refer patients to PP, if you search their website and/or browse PP's financial records (records they don't release in a timely fashion), you'll see that women are subtly directed to PP from ACS. At the very least, ACS has not kept up with the current research since on their page about breast cancer during pregnancy, they further the idea that termination *may* increase survival. Actually, research has shown the opposite. Women who are pregnant during their chemotherapy have BETTER outcomes and fewer side-effects from chemotherapy than similarly staged women that are not pregnant. Perhaps this is because at the end of pregnancy you get the most wonderful gift of all - a new life to love, protect, and praise God about. Whatever the reason, ACS should keep abreast (haha a little breast cancer humor) of current research.

Now, if you're like me, what I said above troubles you and leaves you confused, angry, and disappointed. However, here's my solution... Look in your own community for a cancer patient needing funds raised, travel paid for, prayers said, support given, etc. Give someone in your community suffering from cancer (breast, ovarian, prostate, lung, whatever kind) your DIRECT support. Cut out the middle-man, that way you'll KNOW where your money is going and who it's helping.

If you don't want to single someone out in your community, try your local cancer center or a large cancer center. You may need to research your cancer center to be sure they aren't in bed with PP or a similar organization. I've vetted my cancer center - MD Anderson - and found that they have a no embryonic stem cell research policy. I also know from experience that they have been helping women like me have their babies & receive treatment for 20 years. While they aren't 100% pro-life (a fact I sadly found out 2nd hand while down there), they don't perform abortions on-site, nor to my knowledge do they support PP. I would be tremendously honored if people who read my blog or attend my FaceBook page would donate to MD Anderson in my honor.

In short, sadly supporting many of the mainstream breast cancer organizations equals supporting Planned Parenthood and/or the abortion industry (or embryonic stem cell research). To combat this, find someone in your community in need of support & give them your money. Another option is to support a cancer center you KNOW isn't supporting abortion (like MD Anderson). Make sure your money goes where YOU want it to go.

PS - I've included some links to articles as sources for some of my numbers & information. If you're of a mind, you can do some independent internet research to find other sites supporting my facts. I've chosen to use Life Site News because of parsimony.

The article about my Life Award

2010-10-09T15:30:00.001-05:00

Banquet Organizers 'Excited' About Turnout, Involvement

08 Oct 2010 — Messenger-Inquirer

By Beth Wilberding, Messenger-Inquirer

Organizers say Right to Life of Owensboro's annual banquet attracted one of its largest crowds this year.

Nearly 700 residents made reservations for Thursday night's banquet at the Hines Center, said Laura Ebelhar, president of Right to Life of Owensboro's board of directors.

'It's amazing,' she said earlier on Thursday. 'We think it's incredible. So many people are making a point to step forward and show their support for us and our missions. We're very impressed with the community at large. We're very excited about it.'

The annual banquet is Right to Life of Owensboro's largest fundraiser of the year. Money raised goes towards the organization's educational campaigns, including the billboards it places around town and radio and newspaper advertisements.

'Our mission is to educate about life, so we use the money to create educational campaigns essentially,' Ebelhar said.

Right to Life's guest speaker was Heather Gemmen Wilson, author of 'Startling Beauty: My Journey from Rape to Restoration.' Gemmen was raped in her home and became pregnant as a result of the sexual assault.

She told the group that she had three options: Keep and raise the baby, which she initially ruled out; put the baby up for adoption; or have an abortion.

'I'm ashamed to say how tempting that was,' she said. 'I grew up in a family that was pro-life.'

Though Wilson and her then-husband initially asked a married couple they were friends with to adopt the child, the couple ultimately decided to keep her child, a daughter.

She described her daughter as being 'the one startling beauty that could come from something so painful.'

Wilson encouraged the group to 'trust God in whatever situation you're in.'

'I do know God can do powerful things through your situation if you trust Him,' she said.

Accepting the Life Award: pictured Rick Jones, Rachel Vandiver, Amanda Reffitt, and Erika Vandiver (l to r) Photo by Rowan Jones

An Owensboro resident was honored with the organization's Life Award. Erika Vandiver was 28 years old and 20 weeks pregnant when she learned she had breast cancer in 2009.

She is the fifth generation in her family to have breast cancer. She delivered a healthy baby girl, Rachel, last Thanksgiving Day.

Vandiver and her husband, Andrew, also have a son, Simon.

Erika Vandiver went through chemotherapy while she was pregnant and continued treatment after Rachel was born. Vandiver had surgery for a bilateral mastectomy, then later to have her fallopian tubes and ovaries removed because she had a high risk of ovarian cancer.

Vandiver didn't know she was receiving the award.

'Most people don't have a clue that you can have cancer, survive and have a baby. ... It's important to insure that message gets out,' she said.

Beth Wilberding, 691-7307, bwilberding@messenger-inquirer.com

To Learn More:

Donations to Right to Life of Owensboro can be mailed to the organization at 1115 Tamarack Road, Suite 200, Owensboro, KY 42301, or made at www.rtlo.org. For more information about the organization, call 685-4922.

To learn more about Heather Gemmen Wilson, visit www.heathergemmen.com.

Erika Vandiver's blog is www.biologybrain-simonsays.blogspot.com.

Version: 6End:

"Banquet organizers 'excited' about turnout, involvement" Messenger-Inquirer 08 Oct 2010: C1

Humbled & honored...

2010-10-07T22:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I was conspired against at the Right to life banquet... I was awarded the annual Life Award for my journey with Rachel & cancer. I'm again humbled & honored by my family, friends, & strangers who find me inspiring for doing all I know how to do - survive. Thank you & God bless!

Home again!

2010-09-06T21:11:00.003-05:00

We started home almost as soon as I was released from the hospital Saturday afternoon. We had to stop for the night about 5 hours away from home. Then we made it all the way home by 3 pm Sunday afternoon. It was a long hard trip that I'm still trying to recover from.

We spent the night by ourselves - sent the babies off to my mother-in-law's house. We slept in really late & then Andrew went to go get Simon. We played with him all day! Andrew's going to bring Rachel home tomorrow.

Brenda (my mother-in-law) called earlier to let us know that Rachel stood up on her own without holding onto anything else. Brenda said she turned away for a second & the next thing she knew Rachel was standing holding on to a toy! While we were gone she mastered some words - bye-bye with hand motions (means both the obvious as well as come get me I want to be with you), mama, nana, dada, and papa. Mom sent me a video of her doing it.

It makes me sad to miss some of these firsts of Rachel's. I feel like I've not bonded as well with her as I could have. Simon was so dependant and connected to me (quite literally a lot of the time) when he was this age. I still felt kind of left out sometimes because Andrew has always had quite a way with him. However, at least I knew I was providing him w/ something vital that linked us all the time.

Poor Rachel has been continually separated from me it seems. First it was chemo separation. I was with her, but not really b/c I was somewhat miserable from the chemo. Then I had my 1st surgery, so I was unable to hold her for 2 weeks. Then even after I healed from that surgery, I've had some issues with not being able to hold her close b/c of my expanders and pain. Then we kind of settled in with each other. However, now we've been separated for a long time again & I won't be able to hold her for at least 2 weeks again. In a few weeks (3-4 maybe) I plan on trying to have my 2nd stage of my reconstruction done. So that'll be *another* separation.

However, I still feel like she's more bonded with others than she is with me. Maybe part of it is because I don't have that same closeness of nursing her. Another part of it is that I feel like I've just been so worried about myself that I've not been able to be as single-minded with her. I don't feel like she's been neglected or anything. Its just that I have uber Mommy guilt I guess.

This sucks...

2010-09-03T21:50:00.001-05:00

If there's a list of what can go wrong during an ooph I probably hit all the top ones. I had my surgery Aug 31st. Supposed to be laproscopic & implant exchange. Ended up being a laparotomy without exchange. I lost almost 2 liters of blood during surgery. I had adhesions from endometriosis all over. She left my uterus. I've had transfusions & now have illeus (my bowel's asleep). I'm still in the hospital & I'm absolutely miserable. I still have my horribly ugly expanders. I'm pissy & sore.I'm 900 miles away from my home & kids. Farting is my biggest accomplishment for the day. It just sucks.

Schedule set

2010-08-30T16:43:00.002-05:00

I got my surgery time. At 11am I'll hopefully be going under. I can't wait for the 'happy' juice!! I'm kind of nervous. Ok I'll admit, I'm a lot nervous. This surgery is nothing compared to the last one, but i feel just as nervous as before. Hopefully I'll be ok. Timeto start my nasty prep. :-(

We have arrived

2010-08-29T21:36:00.002-05:00

We made it to Houston this afternoon. It's such a long trip... Bleh! Tomorrow I have only one appointment scheduled. Then I think we'll try to do something moderately fun. The worst thing will be that I have to do my icky surgery prep & not eat after 6 pm. Oh well.

I wish...

2010-08-13T13:45:00.002-05:00

Time is passing slowly & sometimes I wish it would speed up. Time passes quickly & sometimes I wish it would slow down. I guess it just depends on where I am at the moment. Most of the times I live inside my head a completely different life than anyone else even suspects. I bleed most frequently on so-called anonymous online sites like this one, FB, & some bulletin boards. However, even there (here) I don't always really get out everything I feel. Its too scary & makes me feel weak & vulnerable. Sometimes I wish I could express myself fully, but I don't know how... here's a song that entirely speaks my feelings... Listen real hard to the lyrics.

SheDaisy - I Wish I Were the Rain

Surgery date...

2010-08-05T08:40:00.002-05:00

I get to have my surgery August 31st as long as my blood levels cooperate. I'm having the combined reconstruction with hysterectomy surgery done in Houston. You can be that I'll have my blood checked before I leave KY!!!

Funny Simon story... I've posted before that he has commented on my 'balloons' (expanders look like coconuts strapped under my skin). Well, he noticed them the other night & asked what happened to my 'other' ones. I told him the doctors had to cut them off. He immediately said back to me, "They got caught in the cactuses!" Now if you've ever heard him say 'cactuses' you'd know one reason this is so funny to me... He has a way of stressing the 1st syllable and drawing the word out much longer than it is. Its actually very funny to hear. Only a 2 year old! ;-)

Poor Rachel got bit on the hand by some bug (not a brown recluse spider) and had an allergic reaction to it. Her little hand swelled all up like a lobster claw. She went to the doctor yesterday for it & was pronounced fine. She was also weighed... She's 21.5 lbs!! She's a BIG girl! :-) She's also starting to crawl. Its so cute b/c she rolls from side to side. Its hilarious to watch!

Catching up...

2010-07-19T09:06:00.002-05:00

I've been neglecting my blog again. Sorry. Things are still pretty much the same.

Rachel's not crawling yet. She pushes herself backwards with her hands & can sometimes convince her fat little legs (I mean little as in their not very long, not that they don't have extreme girth) to lift her fat little butt (again little is that she's 7 months old, not that its not extremely well-padded) to take a small crawl-step forward. However, these crawl steps are few & far-between! She basically likes to pull her feet up and wave her hands around while she rocks back & forth on her belly like an odd-looking rocking horse! Mom says I used to do the same thing.

Simon is still not potty trained. He has had 5 total successes & I can't even begin to enumerate how many failures. We've tried bribing him (toys, food, etc), giving him targets, telling him we'll be happy if he does it right, sitting him on the potty for hours, having him run around naked, doling out gentle discipline for peeing (or #2) on the floor, etc. He has shown that he knows what to do, he just doesn't want to do it. He can also hold it for tremendously long because as soon as we put a diaper on him its fairly bursting w/ pee (&/or #2) within 5 minutes. At this point we're doing all of the above simultaneously in the hopes that its going to click one of these days. Last night after he had 2 'accidents' at mom's house I brought him home to sit on the potty for a while. He did what he was supposed to FINALLY!!! Even though he'd already made a puddle at mom's he filled the potty pretty well! He got a potty dance from me, a "good job" & "I'm proud of you" from Andrew & me, & two toy trucks (a monster/hot rod John Deere tractor & hot rod fire truck). I kept praising him right up until he went to bed.

I sold Febe on Saturday. She's now in her new home in Northern/central Indiana. The family that came out to buy her was really sweet. She's going to be the foundation for their Equine Ministry. They have a daughter of about 8 or 9 that has Down's Syndrome. One of their son's is about 15. The son is the one that's going to work with her primarily until she settles into their routine. However, they hope to use her for their daughter as well as other children in need. They're also going to breed her if/when they find a stallion. Its weird to be horseless again for the 2nd time in a year. However, I know she went to a good place & that it'll work out best for me/us to not have a horse to worry about right now. In the next year or 2 I hope to get to a place again where I can have a horse & actually use it.

Andrew has been feeling kind of bad lately. He went to the doctor & they can't find anything wrong with him. The doctor said he was probably just extraordinarily stressed from everything that's going on in our lives. Andrew's not one to relish being idle, but since he closed his business, he's not had a 'purpose' for his days. I'm not home enough to help him out of the doldrums. So he's struggling a bit. However, I think he feels a bit better knowing that there's nothing seriously wrong with him.

I'm still waiting for my meeting with my local ob/gyn. I've had several people put the bug in my ear that I should still have my hysterectomy done in Houston. Most people's opinion is based on the fact that I *could* have cancer & if that is the case, they want to be sure I have someone familiar with cancer doing the surgery in case there's something different that needs to be done. I'm still leaning towards having it done here though. The chances of me having ovarian cancer are fairly slim (less than 5% I think) due to my age. However, I think the chances of having a more complicated surgery (open abdominal surgery instead of laproscopic) is probably greater than the cancer risk. If I do have to have the open abdominal surgery I'd rather be close to home for my recovery. I don't relish a 900 mile journey home with a big incision in my belly. I'm confident that Dr. B can do a good job. I'm still open-minded though (or at least I'm trying to be). I'm waiting on a reply from Dr. K from Houston on her opinion. Plus I'm going to ask Dr. B what her opinion is on Wednesday. All I know is I want it done ASAP!!

Tenacious Tuesday.

2010-07-13T09:49:00.003-05:00

I heard from Dr. B's office yesterday. I meet with her to discuss my surgery July 21st. Its help ease my mind a little bit to at least have a concrete plan.

I think Rachel will be crawling in a few days - hopefully by next week. She's getting her knees under her and pushing herself forward on her face. Its quite comical to watch. I tried to get some video (using my iPhone), but the little twerp would roll onto her back & grin at me instead!

Once again, I've been thinking. Do the decisions we make really change us? If I could go back & change just one thing, would that make me a different person? Better? Worse? On the one hand, I don't regret who I am, but who's to say that I couldn't be a better person if I'd chosen more appropriately at one point in my life? On the other hand, sometimes the quirks of fate seem to slap me in the face instead of patting me on the back. Oh, I know God is ultimately in control of everything. However, its our free will that really screws things up!

For instance, if I was bosom buddies with someone who then turned around & stabbed me in the back, am I a better person for it - or does it just show that I lacked perception in chosing my bosom buddy? Another instance, when I hid myself away after my boyfriend's death, did I delay the joy that Andrew & I have found? Had we met sooner, would we have more than 2 living children and 4 saints in Heaven? Would I be a better wife, him a better husband? Would my cancer have come sooner or later? If I'd phrased a comment differently, would the response still have been so dramatic? There are so many questions & so few answers. God, the author of Life, is the only one who knows.

Sometimes its the small things that can completely change someone's life - either for the better or worse. Did a harsh word I said to someone in high school irrevocably harm them? Did a harsh word I heard irrevocably harm me? Did a kindness done to me or observed by me foster in me the desire to do the same for someone else? This latter is what I strive to do - live it forward.

Life has dealt me some blows. It is my goal to rise above these blows and cause someone else to have hope, love, and compassion. The only way I can do that is if I have hope, love, and compassion. Lately I've been lacking in hope and quite possibly compassion. Life has been difficult & sometimes, even when you strive to rise above, you can't get above the deep well of negative emotions. I'm crawling up by will, prayers, & my fingernails. I hope that in my struggles I've not brought anyone down. I wish only to rise above and help others to rise as well. God bless!

The waiting is KILLING me...

2010-07-09T11:04:00.002-05:00

I'm hoping that statement is only figurative, not quite literal. I'm worried that if I wait too long it *will* be literal though... I'm SO frustrated right now. I got rejected in Houston, my local oncologist says I should have the surgery anyway, so I call my local ob/gyn first thing yesterday morning. I'm waiting on a call back to see if she'll do it... Since I haven't heard anything from her yet, I call her office... They're CLOSED until Monday! I know this is her regular day out of the office, but I just want to know one way or another...

At work we also just got the 'official' word that furloughs are definitely going to be required for state employees. That means that we're going to be forced to take a certain number of days off without pay. Not to mention that the budget shortfall is making them mess with our retirement benefits. Of course, the private sector people think our benefits are so awesome... Well, they used to be, but now we're really just average with a little better retirement/insurance. However, our salaries are generally *lower* than other states as well as private sector jobs in our field. For instance, in Henderson, NV (or really almost anywhere, but here) if I had this same exact job, I'd be making at least $10,000 more per year. So in order to stay close to my family, I thought the benefits of state employment would out-weigh the lower pay. However, it looks like when its time for me to retire (if I make it that long) the retirement plan will no longer be in place. I think its set to run out of money in 2013.

So basically, since our legislators/governors/etc can't balance a budget & keep to it, us 'little people' are going to suffer. You can bet your bottom dollar that they're not going to suffer from this... When they're re-elected they'll throw out perfectly good office furniture & such to order new for themselves. They'll give themselves raises every year while our 1% increment has been denied to us for at least 2 years. They'll spend money wining & dining lobbyists & themselves, but they forget they're sometimes taking food from the tables of hard-working state employees (not to mention tax-payers). They'll give money to people who have no jobs - some through their own faults (drugs, convictions, etc) - but not help those who work for a living.

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! This has been a *really* crappy week...

Failure...

2010-07-02T22:37:00.003-05:00

Well, I guess technically I didn't fail, but my bloodwork sure did. I spent the most miserable birthday ever all for nothing. We drove to TX all night on the 30th. I felt nervous & sick so I mostly tried to sleep. That left me sore & groggy when we arrived at 7am the 1st. Then since all of us we feeling groggy we slept all day. I seem to have caught a slight bug, but figured it wouldn't matter. Got to the hospital bright & early this morning met with both doctors who couldn't wait to operate then did diagnostic tests. One of the most uncomfortable & humiliating of which had to be done twice due to computer issues. As if that wasn't bad enough after we left the hospital I get a call from my main surgeon. The bloodwork showed my white bloodcell count to be 3.5 instead of a normal 4. That completely disqualified me for both of my "unnecessary" surgeries... The whole reason we drove all this way. I'm not mad I'm just so deeply disappointed and unhappy that I can't seem too get over it. This is way worse than finding out I had to have implants instead of my own tissue. I know I'm not likely to have any complications because of this wait, but I feel like my life is once again on hold because of this stupid cancer. Not to mention that the low WBC count could have a more sinister cause than left-over chemo. So now I still have a sword of Damoclese hanging over my head. We're leaving 1st thing tomorrow morning. Yippee another 900 mile journey only this time for nothing. :-(

Simon-isms...

2010-06-30T10:01:00.002-05:00

The other day Simon was spending time with g'maw outside. It was nearing lunch, so she asked him what he'd like for lunch. He thinks for a minute & says, "A sandwich." She asks him what kind of sandwich, he replied, "Peanut butter & jelly." She checked the time & noticed that its not quite 11 yet, so they continued to play outside. About 15 minutes later he turned to her & said, "Go in the kitchen & fix my sandwich.... Please!" He's a bossy little thing.

Last night Rachel was playing on the floor after her bath. Simon was playing tractors with her. She still hasn't completely mastered sitting upright by herself for long periods of time. I could see her reaching for one of Simon's tractors, but she kept righting herself, so I didn't worry. Within a few seconds I hear a loud "thunk" as her face connects w/ one of the metal tractors. She wailed and screamed for about 30 minutes. I tried to put ice on it to keep the swelling & bruising at a minimum & that just made her scream more. Poor little thing. Once her bottle was made, she turned back into her sunshiney self thank goodness!

butterflies & acid rain

2010-06-29T15:16:00.002-05:00

Let's just say my system is on revolt... The military helicopter butterflies are bombing away w/ acid rain or something. I know this surgery is in my family & my best interest, but I feel like I'm being sent to the gallows or something. I just wish I could get it over with already! This waiting is AWFUL!

Butterflies...

2010-06-26T16:41:00.002-05:00

Ok. I got to thinking again... You know how when you're nervous people ask if you have butterflies. Well, I decided that is definitely NOT accurate enough. When I think of butterflies, I think of light airy beautiful creatures that flit & fly from flower to flower. Butterflies bring to mind a tranquil pastoral setting in my mind. Swaying flowers and flitting butterflies do not connote the nerves that the 'butterflies' should. When I'm nervous its more like I have bats, buzzards, or military helicopters circling my stomach. Its a violent & awkward sensation with no peace at all. That's the feeling I have now. I think right now I've got enemy military helicopters bombing away...

This time last year...

2010-06-23T10:14:00.004-05:00

I was thinking this morning (I've been doing a lot of that). Anyway, this time last year I was scared to tell anyone about my pregnancy b/c I did not yet know whether the lump on my breast was cancer or not. I was fortunate that I was almost 20 weeks pregnant & not showing any signs b/c I was able to effectively hide both my pregnancy & my worry about cancer until I had to take off for my biopsy July, 7 2009. Talk about a let-down. I told everyone that I had good news & bad news... The good news was of course that I was successfully pregnant about 20 weeks along. There wasn't much celebration at my announcement because of the bad news. The bad news was of course that I also suspected I had breast cancer.

Poor Rachel didn't get welcomed as much as most babies b/c she was announced & born amid my cancer. I think she's fine though. It won't matter one way or another for her! :-) Here she is playing house with her big brother! She's almost 7 months old & he's 2. They have the greatest time together. She loves to watch him play - even when he's driving Andrew & me crazy! Its just a matter of time b/4 she's on his heels chasing him and being chased by him! I can't wait! :-D

... the darnedest things...

2010-06-14T12:11:00.001-05:00

Simon says the darnedest things sometimes! He's in that phase where you can tell him to say things to someone too... So Andrew & I use him to talk to each other sometimes! ;-) Here's a cute Simon story...

He was at my mom's house walking through the garden with her. He kept pointing to the flowers & asking what colors they were. He came to one daylily that is a sort of bronzy/copper color & asked what color it was. My mom said, "Its copper." Simon replied w/ that tilt to his head, "Nana, Copper's a DOG! That's not Copper." Mom said she almost fell down laughing so hard! Our Beagle's name is Copper.

Yesterday while we were getting ready for church Simon walked up to me as I was dressing Rachel & said, "That's Rachel. Rachel is awesome." I have no idea where he got the word awesome, but that's what he said. He's just a mess! He absolutely loves her to pieces too!

Its never dull in our house!

Its been a while

2010-06-11T08:15:00.003-05:00

I've not gone on vacation or anything, but its been a while since I've written. Things are kind of hectic with all the responsibilities I feel I have on my shoulders. Plus our internet at home is rather unreliable. The kiddos are doing great. Andrew is still kind of at loose ends, but he's doing pretty well. I'm tired. That's really all that's going on...

Surgery date...

2010-06-03T11:31:00.001-05:00

I just got the call back from Dr. K at MD Anderson for removing my ovaries. The date is July 6th. I will have pre-op appointments the week before, so most likely I'll be traveling to Houston on my birthday & having my 1st appointment on mom's (sorry mom). However, I'll be almost 1 year to the day since my diagnosis! So on my diagnosis aniversary I will be 'cured' hopefully once & for all! :-)

I thank God for...

2010-06-02T09:03:00.003-05:00

Life in general - in another age I could be dead already - not to mention my 6 month old little girl would not have made it either. Although today breast cancer is relatively easily fought & won by many - even a decade ago, my mutation would have meant almost certain death for me & my unborn (at the time) child. So another aspect of this thanksgiving is for those who've pioneered in the treatment of my ailment and found ways to preserve not only my life, but also my child's.

My husband for being my rock, laughter, tease, lover, fellow-Catholic, accountant, and best friend.

My children for blessing my life with their smiles, laughter, and antics.
My family (mom & dad & DH's parents) for being so giving to help us w/ the kiddos while we work.

My job even though I occassionally (ok - most of the time) hate having to leave my family. I am blessed to have steady income, good insurance, and wonderful co-workers who also helped me through this struggle w/ cancer.
For those that have gone before us and are praying for and with us closer to God's ear than we on Earth can hope for.

My Faith, Savior, and Church. Without these rocks of my salvation I would surely have floundered in the deep recesses of my soul.

My BBC & FB & blog friends who've given me untold support all the while demanding nothing of me. I hope that one day I can return even just a paltry portion of this aid to a few of you.

Innermost thoughts?!

2010-06-01T16:06:00.002-05:00

Its been a while since I've delved into my inner-most being on here. I try to keep things light-hearted & happy. Not because I'm faking the joy I have in my life, but because I'm trying to focus on the joy and not the doubts, fears, and struggles. Anyway, today I have been beset with thoughts that linger. This is the best way I know to relieve myself of them.

What does your inner voice tell you? Does it tell you you're a wonderful person? Or does yours, like mine, constantly query you as to whether you're the person others see in you? Does your inner voice congratulate you for well-made decisions? Or does yours, like mine, persistently call to mind all the doubts you've had about your decisions? Does your inner voice exude confidence at your image, intellect, and personality? Or does yours, like mine, wonder at the way others must see you? Does your inner voice accuse you of laughing too loud or too hard, of opening your mouth only to display your ignorance, or scoff at your appearance?

Does something like the struggles I've endured in the past year change you? Or does it merely call into the forefront your mortality? Did I really do anything that is all that wonderous? I was diagnosed with breast cancer - millions of women cope with that beast daily. Yes, I was pregnant at my diagnosis - 1 in 3000-3500 women have the same fate. I endured (yes I will at least give myself that much) chemotherapy and the endless paranoia associated with uncertainty. As a matter of fact, I'm still confronted w/ uncertainty and a decision that will forever change my life. However, I did not do it like a lamb lead to slaughter - opening not my mouth as the Prophet said of Jesus. No, I opened my mouth and sought compassion and commiseration.

I don't feel that I've done anything out of the ordinary. Actually, most of the time I feel that I called too much on my family & friends to support me. Every one I know has their own crosses to carry, yet I often-times know nothing of their struggles. They don't seek out my advice or comfort. I am too oblvious to notice. Although I now feel like I've experience more of life, I am still oblivious to others struggles it seems. I truly want to help others. I can acknowledge that sometimes just being up-beat (and oblivous) can help others through their dark times. However, I like to do concrete things. It just seems that I'm too selfish & caught up in solving my own problems (as if I can solve them) to help someone else attend to theirs. So take this as my humble plea and vow to offer solace where I've sought it. I truly appreciate everything that has been done for me & wish to return the favor if possible. You have but to ask.

A Memorial Day to remember!

2010-06-01T11:13:00.002-05:00

This weekend was AWESOME in its mediocrity! I mean that in a good way. Everything was very low demand and generally come-as-you-please. Saturday we played outside w/ the kiddos.

Sunday we went to an awesome party in Morganfield. At the party Simon & Rachel got to swim w/ Andrew & me. It was great! Rachel was in her little float kicked back & relaxing. She was so adorable in her swimsuit & hat (thanks Laura). Simon put on arm floaties & slid down the slide into the water. He also got brave enough for me to let go of him & have him float by himself for a few seconds. Andrew even got a thrill because our host owns a new Shelby GT 500 or Cobra or something as well as a classic. I just had fun b/c there were drinks, food, friends, and a pool! I was even confident about the way I looked for a change!

Monday was another really low-key day. We played outside w/ the kiddos. We visited mom & dad. Same-old same-old!

She's 6 months old!

2010-05-26T15:13:00.002-05:00

Today is Rachel's 6 month birthday! Here's the girl having a good time at Nana's!

Weird day...

2010-05-24T21:26:00.004-05:00

Well, today I really didn't want to get out of bed. That seems to have started a day straight out of the weird world. I had to take the kids & Andrew to Calhoun b/c Andrew didn't have the Bronco here to transport the kids. I didn't mind but it did make me run late - especially since we went to the lawyer's office to sign the paperwork on Andrew selling the garage (more on that later).

As I was driving from Calhoun to Madisonville, I had a horrible thought... I had court in the furthest tip of Western KY with my supervisor. Since I was late I called the lab to tell them & ask about court. Of course the cell signal was iffy so I could only hear a small part of what the Admin. Assistant was telling me. Of course, I heard her loud & clear when she answered my question about whether my supervisor was mad at me or not... It was a resounding yes. Uh oh! I put my foot to the floor as I reached behind my seat to grab my ever-present suit (I'm always paranoid something like this is going to happen). I was putting my skirt on over my jeans as I drove down the road - believe it or not it is possible to do that w/o a) flashing other drivers & b) ever taking both hands off the steering wheel!

I pulled up at the lab in my suit minus jacket (it was way to hot for the jacket) - thank goodness I had the sense to dress w/ a good shirt & shoes this morning! My supervisor already had the car started & pulled close to the door. I shot our of my car & ran into the lab to grab my wig & my case information. We got on the road & he wasn't really too mad at me (or else I just suck at noticing). We talked as he drove the 2+ long hours to court. This is a place we all hate to go b/c its the furthest point in Western KY & just a horribly long drive. There are no restaurants or even recognizable convenience stores. Part of the city is falling into the Ohio River. To get to the rest of the town you have to cross a ferry!

The weird part of my day was starting... While in the city we saw 2 one-armed men (one used to be Sheriff), a waxed mustache, a guy that talked like SlingBlade, houses falling into the Ohio River, and LOTS of underwater farmland. It also stormed w/ lots of wind, lightning, & hard rain while we were there... On the drive back it seemed as if it only rained in that county... If I'd seen a man playing banjo I'd have thought I was in Deliverance & gotten the heck out of Dodge!

After sitting in the courthouse for over 4 hours, we finally started back home. As we drove my supervisor's GPS was calculating our estimated arrival time. He was driving well over the speed-limit, but for some reason the ETA stayed the same the WHOLE way home... Talk about teaching you that speeding - especially when you're in Deliverance land - does not get you home appreciably faster. So that was my day in a nutshell!

On to Andrew's story. Since 2007 he's had his own garage/shop in Rumsey/Calhoun. He's an ASE certified automotive technician (mechanic). He seemed to be doing ok since opening. However, after careful examination he's found that a) people don't pay you when you cut them a break, b) people are *really* tight w/ money right now, and c) busting your butt just to pay upkeep is NOT worth it. So he's officially closing his doors sometime soon. I think he's still going to be doing some side-jobs, but he's primarily going to focus on either going back to school or finding a decent job around here. I'm disappointed for him, but I'm glad he's going to be pro-active and do something good for himself. I'm hoping this new endeavor lets him be himself & fulfills his potential. I know he's great, now I want everyone else to know too!

Great day!

2010-05-22T21:02:00.002-05:00

Today was a great day to be alive! The sun was shining, the temperature was warm, but with a nice breeze, and the kids were happy. The only thing is that Febe got out TWICE and ran from me TWICE! We think we've figured out where she's getting out, so hopefully tomorrow we'll be able to fix it. Otherwise, the kids & I played outside all day. Andrew played on his tractor all day - mowing Rowan & Laura's fields, Febe's field, our yard, etc. Simon got a 'man' haircut today & looks SO CUTE!!! He didn't like it much, but it was worth it! Abby, Sarah, Laura & Lukas came over this afternoon to pick cherries off my cherry tree. We're not sure what Laura's going to be able to make with them (there aren't very many), but she's going to try for something.

Some weirdness did happen today though. In the mail I got a notice that my Louisville plastic surgeon's office scheduled me for surgery without calling to ask me for a good date/time. Apparently, they think 2 days b/4 my birthday would be a great time to have surgery. Hate to break it to them, but I think that would make my birthday SUCK! I'm kind of weirded out that they would schedule my surgery and inform me of it via mail when we never really talked about when I'd like to have it. I just got a notice about the surgery & some pre-op blood-work orders without a phone call or discussion with the doctor.

Over the hills & through the grass...

2010-05-18T15:06:00.003-05:00

This morning I got the pleasure of sleeping in since I get time off to vote in the primaries. So I slept in until about 9. Then I got ready to leave to vote & go to work. On my way out the driveway I looked in the field for Febe. I didn't see her. I stopped, got out, & looked again. Still no Febe in the field. I went back to the building to grab her halter & lead-rope so if I saw her I could catch her. Well, I rounded the first curve and saw my horse's rear in the tall grass. I got my car situated so I could drive it and lead her back to the house. I walked up to her thinking, "Well, at least she's not far from home." I don't know if I jinxed myself or if its just the sudden spring-like weather that got to her. All I do know is that she got it in her tiny little brain to take off running. I followed her up and down hills through sometimes waist high grass. At one point I'd chased her probably 1/4 mile & decided it was time to go get reinforcements. I left her happily grazing while I went to go get my mom. She leapt to action, even though she had both of my brother's girls with her already. My dad stayed behind to watch them. She drove until we saw Febe again. then she let me out & she tried to position herself to keep Febe from going to the highway (less than 1 mile from where she was at the time). Sure enough, Febe ran straight at her going toward the highway. Luckily my mom honked the horn, revved the engine, and turned Febe up another hill that is backed by a cattle pasture. I kept walking after her.

Mom went to trade the car in for the 4-wheeler since its more manouverable. I followed Febe up another hill and finally got her along the fence-line. Of course, in order to get there she had to go through 2-3 peoples yards... Sorry neighbors. One of the neighbors came out to see if he could help. In a way I was hoping all the neighbors were at work so they wouldn't witness my horse tramping through their yards. In another way I was glad for any extra help since Febe was NOT cooperating. I'd gotten close to her several times only to have her jump and take off running/bucking as soon as I tried to slowly move the rope into position. Finally between the 4-wheeler, my neighbor, & me we got the halter on her. It took about 45 minutes just to catch her & put her in a (hopefully) secure area. She doesn't canter/run much, but she sure can trot FAST!

I have no idea where she's getting out. I just walked the fence lines Saturday and repaired, patched, propped, and/or barricaded some areas. However, it all seems to be sufficient to keep her inside. However, the old axiom "The grass on the other side is always greener" is *very* true for horses. In Febe's case it is really true b/c the grass on the other side of the fence is nice & tall w/o any old horse piles (they don't like to eat grass around piles) while the field she's in has been cropped close to the ground except around the clover patches (Wally's favorite). For some reason, Febe will let the clover get quite tall without eating any of it. We have a simple latch on the one gate in our backyard & I'm thinking that she's figured out how to open it. One of my old horses, Moonshine, was capable. I had to keep something wrapped around that gate/latch to keep her inside. I'll walk the field again this afternoon. Hopefully I'll find the problem.

When I got to work my arms, chest, and shoulders were already sore. That's definitely a bummer. My pants were also soaked from the knee down w/ grass seeds & mud all over my shoes. I did get to vote though!

I love horses!!!

2010-05-15T20:25:00.003-05:00

I have been afraid since my surgery to ride or even play with my horse, Febe. I bought her in October and have only tried to work/play with her once since then (until last week). Anyway, her *real* job is to pull the cart so I can take the kids (and maybe even Andrew) with me. However, she's in need of a HUGE refresher apparently! I've been ground-driving her (doing everything but putting the cart behind the horse) for a couple weeks. However, I'm still a bit nervous about hitching her b/c she has some issues (like excitement when she sees the cart). In my pre-breast cancer/kids life, I was a pretty good rider (if I do say so myself). So riding is much more comfortable for me mentally, plus you're not within striking distance of those big feet! However, I was unsure whether she had actually been ridden... Sometimes horse-traders live up to their expectations (that's a BAD thing). So I took a risk today after ground-driving her again. I actually climbed aboard. I was a bit nervous, but I put my noggin protector (helmet) on and took things slow. She is a cart-horse through and through - she'll only go the slowest two speeds - walk & trot. In other words, the KY Derby is definitely NOT in her future! However, she was very good and it'll help me get her in a better place for pulling the cart comfortably (for me).

The only down-side was that the foobs did NOT agree w/ riding. Walking was fine because its minimally bouncy. However, trotting (the main working speed) was quite uncomfortable. My ribs are still quite sore apparently (duh)! The bouncing on a good day can be uncomfortable. However, this was not my best or even a good day (compared to pre-breast cancer/surgery). My chest muscles are also quite a bit sore. Thankfully, the rest of me isn't saddle-sore at all (that I can tell). Muscle memory is an awesome thing!

Oh, something else new... Rachel has 2 - count them TWO - teeth. Mother's Day Mass is when the 1st one became apparent, even though it was basically invisible, just feel-able. However, by Wednesday of this week, the lower left one was visible. Now the whole flat edge of the left one is visible as well as the beginning nubbin of the right one. She's doing pretty good with it too, not much complaining. She has always (it seems) chewed on her hands really badly, so that's not much different. Simon is feeling much better too, so hopefully everything is good for now!

Name that baby!

2010-05-12T20:55:00.008-05:00

I think my two babies look pretty much just alike. So I'm going to post photos of them at similar ages. I'm asking for responses as to which baby is which. Here's the 1st in the series.

Baby A...

Baby B...

Baby C...Baby D...

Baby E...

Hopefully I get final surgery clearance tomorrow!

2010-05-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I go see the plastic surgeon in Louisville. I'm pretty sure he's going to clear me for surgery... Although at this point, he still thinks he's doing the surgery. I'm pretty sure the date I have in mind will be good - July 5th or 6th. That'll give me time to celebrate my birthday, mom's birthday, & our nation's birthday! It'll also let me get the surgeon I want for my hysterectomy (she doesn't get back from maternity leave until then I think).

Rachel has a *very* small 1st tooth. Actually, I've not seen it, but I've felt it. Mom noticed it at church while she was letting Rachel gnaw on her knuckle. I felt it when I did the same thing. However, I can't feel it if I rub her gums though. She's also trying to learn to sit-up by herself (ie balancing, not actually pulling up to sit).

Simon slept through the night 2 nights in a row only to ruin it by making Andrew sleep w/ him last night. He had a good time today at Papaw & Mamaw's house. They bought him a motorized John Deere lawnmower w/ a wagon. When he pushed the pedal down & the thing moved he was so shocked that he cried. So funny!

Tomorrow I hopefully get a surgery date!

2010-05-10T19:45:00.001-05:00

Bad internet

2010-05-08T15:10:00.003-05:00

Well, I've been meaning to post, but the internet here at home is not wanting to work consistently. I'm not supposed to blog while I'm at work, so that means I don't get to do it at all!

I've been off the Neurontin for a week now & feeling 100% better. The crazy emotional feelings are gone, thank God! My neuropathy doesn't seem to be too bad. Its not keeping me awake at night too much. I've not noticed that my fingers & toes are numb or anything. I go see the plastic surgeon Tuesday & hopefully that'll give me a date for my next surgery.

Work is going ok. Hopefully I'll be proficient again shortly. I've done lots of tests and read lots of articles. I've also testified several times.

Rachel is rolling over & can actually balance while she's sitting up now! The only down-side is that her stomach has been upset this whole week. I think she's teething more too. She's also seemed really sleepy lately. Maybe she's growing!

Simon has slept through the night in his own bed for the last 2 nights! I'm so happy! He's been rather challenging today though. He woke up before us & proceeded to empty out the silverware drawer, empty out my make-up drawer, & empty an entire container of wipes on/in Rachel's crib. He's completely unremorseful too. He went down for his nap well though. I'm hoping for a good afternoon.

Moody me... :-(

2010-04-30T20:16:00.003-05:00

I've been terribly emotional since my surgery. This week it seems to have come to a head. I either want to chew someone's head off or burst into tears - or even both. This is WAY out of character for me - even through 6 pregnancies & horrible monthlies. Its gotten so bad that I started searching for answers after whining about it for a while. It turns out that both the medications I can take (Lyrica & Neurontin) can cause depression, suicidal thoughts, irritability, irrational behavior, etc. In other words, I read the side-effects list & saw my match!

The bad news is that my neuropathy is apparently a bit worse than I thought it was. I cut my finger today - a bit deeper than a paper-cut & never even noticed until I saw that my glove had blood in it. I thought my worst neuropathy problem was my feet/legs burning at night. I guess I was wrong. I called both my local oncologist & my TX one. My local oncologist said to continue the Neurontin at night (only) and to take 1/2 an Ativan in the mornings to see if that quick fix helps. If it does, then he may put me on an anti-depressant for the long run... Or until something happens w/ my neuropathy. My TX oncologist is worried that my neuropathy is bad enough that I can cut my finger & not notice. Her recommendation is acupuncture. I'm probably going to look into that too. If it'll take care of the neuropathy then I won't need ANY of the medications! That would be awesome!

Rachel rolled over from her belly to her back finally earlier this week. The little lazy thing still has issues w/ back to belly, but she can get most of the way. She's also eating like a horse! We're still sticking to bananas since I don't want to overwhelm her system. However, she's eating a "2nd foods" plastic container full of a rice cereal/banana mixture at night plus whatever her keepers give her during the day!

Simon is going to try to do some pottying this weekend. He's having trouble though. He's also having trouble sleeping. We don't know what it is, but sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. That's when he ends up sleeping with us. That's miserable for all of us b/c he's very sensitive and restless.

I need a drink!

2010-04-26T20:24:00.004-05:00

Whew - its been crazy! I had court Tuesday of last week. I testify for either the defense or prosecution about biological evidence in criminal cases as a Forensic Biologist. Its NOTHING like what you see on TV. I spent hours at the courthouse (not to mention the 2 hours it took to get there & then 2 more back) doing absolutely NOTHING. It was pretty easy though! The rest of the week I continued brushing up on my training articles and performing experiments. I've got to get all this done so I can become proficient at my job again. That's one of the goods & bads about the work I do... We take proficiency tests each year that are given to us by an outside company. They're good to keep analysts honest & doing what they're supposed to (good). They're bad b/c they're kind of a drag to do. However, the important thing is to do my job correctly. I'm an unbiased witness to whatever crime may or may not have happened. Although I work for the state police, I don't get paid any more if a case turns up the results the officer wants or not. So its in everyone's best interest (particularly the victim & suspect) that I simply do my job w/o getting carried away emotionally by the suspected crime. Those are the analysts that you see on TV - getting personally involved. However, in the real world, those analysts would FAIL to do JUSTICE most of the time.

Potty training didn't turn out to be part of the program this weekend. Mother-nature gave me a lickin', so status quo was the name of the game. The foobs are holding up pretty well. As long as I don't lean into my work-bench too much or look down too often I can almost forget they're not really a part of me. However, I do catch myself studying myself sometimes to make sure its not obvious they're fake. Ooohhh! I'm so happy the scabs finally healed up so I'm now able to take my relaxing baths whenever I want! I love bubbles & relaxing! Its even better w/ a snifter of Wild Turkey Honey! ;-)

Rachel LOVES her bananas though. I mashed them up and some I froze, but one whole banana was put in the fridge. She hasn't had any reaction at all to it. Tonight she ate a HUGE portion! Tomorrow is her & my new mother-in-law's (Andrew's dad remarried in December) first day together. Hopefully it won't be too much for either of them! Simon is doing great even though he's not potty training. He's rambunctious and adorable. Rachel is chubby & adorable. What more could any mom ask for?!?! Oh, Andrew's irascible and adorable too! ;-) Even though I hate working (I don't necessarily hate the work - I'd just rather spend time w/ my kiddos), I have a pretty good life. I love my family & that's really all that matters!

Whew - one full week down!

2010-04-23T20:32:00.002-05:00

Wow! I've completed a full week of work... Its been a doozy as I catch up on my old training articles & experiments. In a way I LOVE this type of work b/c its closer to my research roots than my actual job is. However, I've read all these articles before & done all these experiments before too, so its a bit dull. However, I'm trying to keep an open mind & not refer to my old notes too much!

The kids had a great week too I think. They were at my mother-in-law's Monday & Tuesday. It was the 1st time she had them both at the same time. It was also the first time she had Rachel w/o me there! I think she was quite exhausted by the time Tuesday afternoon came around! Then mom had them by themselves until today. So they got lots of individualized attention this week! Next week they'll be at my mother-in-law's together on Monday, then they'll get split between my husband's father & his mother (they're divorced & both remarried) for Tuesday. Then my mom will have them the rest of the week.

Rachel is taking to eating rice cereal like a champ. I think I'm going to try to make some mashed bananas tomorrow from the almost ruined ones we bought last weekend. I'm going to look for an online recipe b/c I'm not 100% sure if I just mash them, or if I need to add some kind of fluid (formula?) to them too.

We're trying to start potty-training Simon this weekend. I'm not sure its going to work. I had him in regular underwear tonight & he peed in them twice in a row! He's just not really understanding. He's also *really* sensitive about being scolded for wetting his pants. So I'm trying to make it so I only praise him, but he's never actually used the potty in my house. He did it yesterday for mom though. So, hopefully he'll figure it out quickly!

Busy time

2010-04-21T21:00:00.003-05:00

Well, I think I'm back in the swing of work fairly well. I've experienced 3 work days & 1 day of court. I expected to be nervous about court since I've been off work since August, but it was a breeze. The case was not a fun one (none of mine are, but this one was particularly icky), but I have to say I've gotten really good at note-taking & report-writing since I first started case work. Even w/o being in the 'groove' so-to-speak of case-work, I completely understood everything I did even though it was 2008 case.

However, between all my activities at home & work, I don't have the time or energy to keep up w/ much internet. The kids are doing well. They spend the first of the week w/ Andrew's mom and dad (plus their respective spouses) - one w/ each set. Then the rest of the week they're w/ my mom. Simon is talking up a storm. Rachel is eating 'solid' foods now - rice cereal. I gave her 1 tablespoon of semi-thick cereal tonight (instead of doing the no-no & giving in the bottle) and she scarfed it. Well, she's not completely got the gist of it all staying in her mouth, but she leans into the spoon.

I'm so sick... American Idol (I don't watch usually) was on tonight & they're doing 'Idol Gives Back'. However, they conveniently forget to mention that several (if not all) of the organizations they're giving 'aid' to support abortions. Some of these organization even support coerced abortions. Almost all abortion organizations support uneducated abortions. How disgusting!

What doesn't kill you...

2010-04-15T20:42:00.004-05:00

... Makes you stronger? Well, I guess that slogan/old saw fits me. The cancer didn't kill me (thank God) and some would argue it did make me stronger. However, I'm not sure if it made me a stronger worker... Work today wasn't a complete bust. I just don't feel like I'm getting much accomplished. I've got endless manual revisions to read (yes, I work for the government, so everything seems to change like the weather) and I'm having a hard time concentrating on the material. I understand (and remember) most of it (except for the completely new stuff), but I want to be *doing* something. Hopefully, its just a matter of time b/4 I get my proficiency back (I have to take at least one proficiency test).

I found a good outfit to wear today, so I wasn't self-conscious at all. Its also refreshing to see more female faces in the work-place! When I left there were 3 women in the whole lab (2 of whom are admins in the front area) out of about 10 of us (I think I'm counting right). Now there are a total of 5!!! Go girls!!! One of my co-workers (a guy) was even in the local paper today for testifying in a murder trial. He was even quoted & they spelled his name right!

If I found a supplier/printer for a collection of shirts w/ the slogan on it of "I FOUGHT like a Girl & WON!" w/ the option of having a pink ribbon or our teal & pink ribbon - would any of you be interested? I don't have prices yet, but its just a matter of time. I even thought of having an option added for the teal & pink ribboned ones that said something like "Unwilling but Active member of the BRCA sisterhood" on the back.

My last day...

2010-04-14T21:56:00.002-05:00

Why is it that not only do I hate the way this new me looks, I hate the emotions that have apparently come with it. I've always been OCD & bummed when things didn't go my way, but never to the point of tears! However, today has just been one of those days. I have no idea what to wear tomorrow - especially in light of my obvious bra-less-ness. Wasn't cancer enough to deal with?

Today wasn't a super day. It started out well enough. Simon & Rachel were great as we piddled around the house this morning. Simon playing w/ his trucks and tractors - Rachel sleeping & giggling randomly. Then once we got in the car it all broke down... I backed my car into Andrew's tractor & put a dent and scrape in my 2009 Dodge Caliber's rear bumper. Then we got to mom's & she wasn't ready to go (I was really early) & Lukas was crying. Then Rachel started crying (at the top of her lungs). Simon joined the group b/c he wouldn't comply w/ a simple request to stay in the house. Mom trotted upstairs to get ready & I was ready to pull what little hair I have (although its growing more every day) before we even left.

Then we got to mom's oncology appointment & were in the waiting room for almost and hour & half. With 3 kids - two babes in arms, it was a struggle. While we were in there Rachel had a diaper malfunction and I got liquid gooey poop on my pants. Not to mention the continual spit-up she kept launching at me. Lukas was actually pretty good once mom put him to sleep & put him back in his car-seat. Simon was pretty good too - doing his comic routine for all the cancer patients (and their family members/friends) in the waiting room.

I needed a chocolate fix, so we went to Dairy Queen. I chose their new blizzard - Ooey Gooey Caramel Brownie... I was disappointed. I expected a LOT more caramel and a lot less big flat chunks of chocolate. The ride home was fairly uneventful... Simon fell asleep w/ his ice-cream cone apparently in mid-lick (mom got several photos).

Then since I was frazzled & mom was generous (as usual) I left the kids w/ her & went home. Andrew was home & I was hoping that meant wonderful (or at least good) things for me, but he was asleep on the couch & never even moved while I walked through the house & in & out several times. I know better than to try to wake him - he's like a bear coming out of hibernation early. So I stayed solitary & read on the front porch.

The good news of the afternoon is that my court for tomorrow is cancelled - the defendants (all 3 of them) apparently decided to plead guilty (yippee)! So tomorrow gets to be a 'normal' work-day! I'm still feeling out of sorts though. I think I've got my clothing situation ok for tomorrow... Its just the rest of my working life that I'm unsure about (at least until I'm allowed to wear bras again). Geez... Well, I need to get off here & go to bed for my early day tomorrow. Wish me luck - I think I'm going to need it!

Last day of freedom...

2010-04-14T08:28:00.005-05:00

Well, tomorrow I start work. My very first day will be spent at court. It shouldn't be too bad though since its just chain of custody. Of course, I've not been able to review any of my documentation, but that should only take me a few minutes!

Today the kids & I are going with mom to her 3 month oncologist appointment. She's also going to have Lukas. We'll probably grab a bite to eat & pick one store to shop. Then we'll make our way home.

One of the foobs has moved closer to under my arm-pit (the left one). I also noticed that the right one has rotated about 180 degrees... Don't know what I did, but they're apparently not content to stay in one place. Makes me glad the plastic surgeon is wanting to use round implants. That way they can rotate around at will. The biggest problem will be if they migrate towards my arm-pits. The scabbed areas on the right are finally shrinking too. The main scab went from the size of a nickel to where its now about 1/2 a centimeter by 1 cm (rectangular).

However, I am disappointed to find out that all this time I've been going bra-less its been obvious. No one told me until yesterday when I was talking about how to dress for work. So I've been to church, concerts (religious ones), town, doctors appointments, etc all while it was obvious I wasn't wearing a bra. I was self-conscious enough, but now I'm going to be worse b/c I'm still not allowed to wear a bra (don't want to compromise circulation in any way or irritate the scab to where it comes off prematurely). However, it would have been nice to know earlier so I could at least prepare &/or figure out which shirts do the best job of disguising my bra-less-ness. Sigh... If its not one thing I don't like about my new body, its another. :-(

Unfeeling can sometimes be a good thing!

2010-04-08T20:01:00.003-05:00

I got to thinking last night as I watched a couple of my scabs pull this way & that, that sometimes its truly a blessing to not have feeling in my new foobs right now! I'm still having LOTS of trouble w/ that tissue on the right side & the incision line. The tissue's scab is hanging on by what seems to be a thread. I took a shower to make sure it was clean last night & as the water poured over it (moving it slightly) I was profoundly glad I can't feel it! You know how scabs that are just barely hanging in there feel - right? They feel AWFUL! However, except for some shooting pains occasionally, I can't feel my foobs. I can feel pressure on my rib cage & muscles, but otherwise, its not even like the feeling you get at the dentist's office. Its the complete absence of feeling - not numbness - if that makes sense. Right now I think its probably a blessing! :-D

The kids are still snotty (both behavior & noses)! ;-) It seems Rachel's skin is improving, but her nose & cough are not. Poor thing. I put her to bed early tonight b/c she just seemed so miserable. Simon's still hanging in there. He's really trying to feel better - even to the point of saying "feel better" to himself. He's also gotten *really* good at blowing his nose! It was so funny today... We were at mom's w/ Abby, Sarah, & Lukas. Abby was playing house w/ Simon & Sarah - Simon was the daddy and Sarah was the baby (she'll actually lay down & take a 'nap' for Abby). Both Abby & Simon have play cell phones. So Abby 'called' Simon and asked him what he wanted for supper. Simon's answer was "pork chops" w/o prompting at all! Mom & I just looked at each other & giggled. So guess what I made tonight??? Pork chops! :-D

Electric day!

2010-04-07T20:47:00.002-05:00

Well, today was apparently a bad day for everyone! All the kids were cranky & whiney. To try to help mom out & get Simon to take a better nap I brought my 2 home around 1pm. I didn't/don't feel 100%. I tried to have all three of us nap simultaneously, but of course, that never works out... First Rachel wouldn't sleep. Then once we (Rachel & I) got to sleep, Simon woke up crying. Andrew didn't get home from work until 8pm. Its been crazy.

Rachel's rash is looking better though. We've been using the steroid cream from the doctor - for another week - since Monday night. I'm also only bathing her on alternate nights in Aveeno oatmeal baths. Tonight was an off night for the bath! She's eating well, but now her nose is runny! Geez, these allergies are hitting hard this year!

Simon's nose is *still* doing its crazy dripping. He's still coughing too. I'm pretty sure its just allergies w/ him too. Last night he was coughing so hard from post-nasal drip that he was gagging himself. Of course, I also think he's going through a super-sensitive-gag-reflex time. Its kind of obvious though that he's just kind of miserable. We watched some TV (Cars, Big Foot, & Chuggington) and colored some pictures (a Mater print out & a free-hand tractor-disk-Mustang Cobra combination).

I don't really know what's up with me. I'm just absolutely exhausted. Partly I know its b/c I stay on the computer too late at night, but its the only opportunity I get. Its also partly probably allergies - my eyes are itchy, my throat gets sort of achy every once in a while, etc. Plus, for some reason I keep having shooting pains where I have no feeling - in the foobs. I'm also having some trouble getting to sleep. I toss & turn & try to get comfortable for a long time. A good portion of that is b/c I'm still not able to sleep on my stomach like I want to do.

Well-baby check-ups

2010-03-30T20:56:00.003-05:00

Today was well-baby check-up day for both Simon & Rachel. Poor Simon, he was ok in the waiting room. He went to play on the ramp built into the office & another little girl shoved him a bit & said, "Mine." He promptly started crying like his heart was broken! Once I finally got him calmed down (all it took was some John Deere gummies), the receptionist called me up to the window. She apologized, but said that actually our appointments were for tomorrow. I told her that I'd gotten a call yesterday (Monday) confirming today (Tuesday's) appointments. There must have been some glitch in their system b/c she said that had happened before. The biggest problem for me was that I had Brenda (mother-in-law) there with me & wouldn't have anyone tomorrow. I explained & she want back to ask Dr. H if it was ok for us to be squeezed in. He apparently said yes.

Eventually, they called us back to the actual rooms. That's when Simon started screaming & crying like a kicked puppy. Ever since he had to have his blood drawn he's HATED going to any doctor. He screamed all through getting stripped down to his diaper. He screamed while they weighed Rachel (14 lbs 10 oz). He continued screaming as they weighed him (30 lbs 14 oz). The screaming continued while they were measured for height (Rachel 25 3/4" & Simon 37"). He even continued screaming through the physical exam including in Dr. H's ears as he used his stethescope. I don't think he stopped screaming until well after Brenda took him out to the waiting room again. He did give Dr. H a hug before he left though - even while he was crying.

We knew Rachel was going to have to get shots, so we sent Simon (with Brenda) out before Rachel started crying too. I stayed with Rachel. She was really happy while Dr. H examined her. She smiled & wiggled for him. He rolled her around & actually gave her a raspberry on her tummy! For some reason, (yes I know I'm probably biased) I think he likes my kids exceptionally much. Anyway, Rachel even smiled for the shot lady - that is until she got stuck the 1st time! Then she shrieked loud enough that Brenda could hear her out in the waiting area! Her whole body turned red! She finally got over it, but it took a LONG time!

Anyway, the day went fairly well! Thank goodness for help from my mother-in-law though! Too bad my mom couldn't make it, but it was probably good for a change to do something with my mother-in-law! Hope everyone else had an ok day!

Reconcile yourself

2010-03-29T21:13:00.002-05:00

Well, today I rested. I still don't feel great, but I guess maybe I'm not as bad as I was. Mother Nature is definitely taking her pound of blood from me though! I met w/ my Creighton Instructor today & even though I'm limited for how long I'll be doing this, it is nice to know the information so I can spread the word! We also went to the Sacrament of Reconciliation tonight. It was Andrew's first one. I tend to avoid this Sacrament b/c I have too much pride to tell another human my faults and weaknesses. However, tonight's Confession seems to have made me feel better.

What a wonderful thing. It is nice to know that even though we have sinful natures, we are always allowed access to the Sacrament of Reconciliation to reconcile with God and beg His forgiveness. While it may seem possible (no doubt easier) to do this one-on-one with God, adding in another human as a 'stand-in' for God (as well as a human who's been there done that & can give advice) gives the whole reconciliation aspect new meaning. You must first humble yourself before you can truly admit fault. You must first humble yourself to discuss your faults. The courage that it takes to do this can only come from God. The ability to discern your faults is a sign of a developing conscience. Having a 'stand-in' for God allows you to understand that this is a step forward and to ensure that you don't go too far. In other words, the Sacrament of Reconciliation uses the priest (the 'stand-in' for God) to help you mend your relationship with God through humility, courage, and conscience. I don't think its truly possible to do that on your own...

Simon Says.. Rachel Does.. I Follow

Commuting at 73 Prayers a Trip

March for Life

What Do You Mean By Choice?

2011 Ends with a Bang!

Merry Christmas!!!

Child-generated Christmas cheer

No picture available...

Get back to work!!

If it weren't for bad luck, we'd have no luck...

2 years ago...

Three Forms, One Substance

Thanksgiving & prayers

Growing

Vote with your conscience!!

If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take...

Pain in the hiney...

Respect Life & Breast Cancer Awareness

A person is a person no matter how small...

Shocked... a new milestone

Rejected & somewhat dejected...

Who Am I?

Golfers needed!!!!

Horse whispering

New addition

Updates...

July is *the* month!!!

Great & busy weekend!

The "J"-word

A post to SGK about why I don't support them...

Current events

Family outing!

My day in a photo...

What a beautiful day...

My week in FB updates...

Poor Rachel, she still vomiting & miserable thru the Zofran. Now she's got a slight fever. She's in bed with us so we can comfort her as best as possible.

Rachel seems a bit better now, but we had a rough night! Her temp is down & she's also keeping her drinks down. Here's to prayers answered!!!!!

Ugh... Rachel's not vomiting... Now it's coming out the other end. She's trying to be happy though!

Poor Rachel is having to have her diaper changed every 10-15 minutes. We're using Vaseline to keep diaper rash at bay. She acts interested in food, but only for a bite or 2. She actually sat on Simon's potty for a while diaperless. I think she's tired of diaper changing! Her fever is back too. :-(

Poor miracle girl is in her bed - still feverish & diaper issues. We've bumped it up to Desitin. If it gets beyond that we have burn cream for that very reason. We just gave her more Zofran & ibuprofen to keep her symptoms at the minimum. My poor baby! :-(

Rachel has her IV now. The IV team said she was perfect & laid there letting them put it in her left elbow. She looks so pitiful & feels even worse. :-(

Rachel update: her levels are still low & still no pee. :-( She's asleep with me in the crib. She has perked up somewhat, but is still no where near my normal Rachel! Prayers & thoughts greatly appreciated!!!!

Rachel PEED!!!! she's still under close supervision & not out of the woods yet. However, this is the best sign!!!

Rachel update: We're still in the hospital. She's refusing to drink. Until she's drinking somewhat regularly we have to stay. :-( She's being stubborn. She's feeling better & shaking the crib rails like a gorilla in a cage.

We're busting out!!! Rachel's going to mom's because now Simon's sick too. Our house is going to be the sick house. Mom's is the recovery zone!

Ooooohhhh nnnnoooo!!!! I dropped Rachel off at mom's. Then I came home to Simon being sick, but Zofran helping him. Now Andrew is feeling sick too. :-( Looks like I may be the the last one standing... :-(

Guess how Simon woke me this morning? He was singing "Hosanna in the highest. Hosanna in the highest." It was around 930 - so he was probably channeling Mass.He's not acting sick in the least. However Andrew & I are completely exhausted!! Rachel's at mom's eating & drinking like normal!

Well, I haven't been standing today. My stomach, head, & body ache. It is hopefully just residual stress... Tomorrow is my make-up 3rd Post-Op appointment. I'm going to that & then to work. Wish me luck!

Not much to report

Not much to report

Success & worry

Happy birthday Simon!

Sex sells?

Wholly concerned...

Hi Sarah!!

A new perspective?

New reason to surf the web... Cha Cha!!!

The most important right - LIFE!

Evangelization?

Evangelization?

Simon says the darnedest things!

Its been a while again...

Temperament

Oh No!!!

Thank you to KSP Employees!

Da dum da dum... SHARKS!

Another year...

Whew big birthdays!!

Recovery?

New start?

I'm voting Pro-life - How about you?

Breast cancer awareness & Life alerts

The article about my Life Award

Humbled & honored...

Home again!

This sucks...

Schedule set

We have arrived

I wish...

Surgery date...

July is the month!!!

Guess how Simon woke me this morning? He was singing "Hosanna in the highest. Hosanna in the highest." It was around 930 - so he was probably channeling Mass.

He's not acting sick in the least. However Andrew & I are completely exhausted!! Rachel's at mom's eating & drinking like normal!