Moody me... :-(

I've been terribly emotional since my surgery. This week it seems to have come to a head. I either want to chew someone's head off or burst into tears - or even both. This is WAY out of character for me - even through 6 pregnancies & horrible monthlies. Its gotten so bad that I started searching for answers after whining about it for a while. It turns out that both the medications I can take (Lyrica & Neurontin) can cause depression, suicidal thoughts, irritability, irrational behavior, etc. In other words, I read the side-effects list & saw my match!

The bad news is that my neuropathy is apparently a bit worse than I thought it was. I cut my finger today - a bit deeper than a paper-cut & never even noticed until I saw that my glove had blood in it. I thought my worst neuropathy problem was my feet/legs burning at night. I guess I was wrong. I called both my local oncologist & my TX one. My local oncologist said to continue the Neurontin at night (only) and to take 1/2 an Ativan in the mornings to see if that quick fix helps. If it does, then he may put me on an anti-depressant for the long run... Or until something happens w/ my neuropathy. My TX oncologist is worried that my neuropathy is bad enough that I can cut my finger & not notice. Her recommendation is acupuncture. I'm probably going to look into that too. If it'll take care of the neuropathy then I won't need ANY of the medications! That would be awesome!

Rachel rolled over from her belly to her back finally earlier this week. The little lazy thing still has issues w/ back to belly, but she can get most of the way. She's also eating like a horse! We're still sticking to bananas since I don't want to overwhelm her system. However, she's eating a "2nd foods" plastic container full of a rice cereal/banana mixture at night plus whatever her keepers give her during the day!

Simon is going to try to do some pottying this weekend. He's having trouble though. He's also having trouble sleeping. We don't know what it is, but sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. That's when he ends up sleeping with us. That's miserable for all of us b/c he's very sensitive and restless.

I need a drink!

Whew - its been crazy! I had court Tuesday of last week. I testify for either the defense or prosecution about biological evidence in criminal cases as a Forensic Biologist. Its NOTHING like what you see on TV. I spent hours at the courthouse (not to mention the 2 hours it took to get there & then 2 more back) doing absolutely NOTHING. It was pretty easy though! The rest of the week I continued brushing up on my training articles and performing experiments. I've got to get all this done so I can become proficient at my job again. That's one of the goods & bads about the work I do... We take proficiency tests each year that are given to us by an outside company. They're good to keep analysts honest & doing what they're supposed to (good). They're bad b/c they're kind of a drag to do. However, the important thing is to do my job correctly. I'm an unbiased witness to whatever crime may or may not have happened. Although I work for the state police, I don't get paid any more if a case turns up the results the officer wants or not. So its in everyone's best interest (particularly the victim & suspect) that I simply do my job w/o getting carried away emotionally by the suspected crime. Those are the analysts that you see on TV - getting personally involved. However, in the real world, those analysts would FAIL to do JUSTICE most of the time.

Potty training didn't turn out to be part of the program this weekend. Mother-nature gave me a lickin', so status quo was the name of the game. The foobs are holding up pretty well. As long as I don't lean into my work-bench too much or look down too often I can almost forget they're not really a part of me. However, I do catch myself studying myself sometimes to make sure its not obvious they're fake. Ooohhh! I'm so happy the scabs finally healed up so I'm now able to take my relaxing baths whenever I want! I love bubbles & relaxing! Its even better w/ a snifter of Wild Turkey Honey! ;-)

Rachel LOVES her bananas though. I mashed them up and some I froze, but one whole banana was put in the fridge. She hasn't had any reaction at all to it. Tonight she ate a HUGE portion! Tomorrow is her & my new mother-in-law's (Andrew's dad remarried in December) first day together. Hopefully it won't be too much for either of them! Simon is doing great even though he's not potty training. He's rambunctious and adorable. Rachel is chubby & adorable. What more could any mom ask for?!?! Oh, Andrew's irascible and adorable too! ;-) Even though I hate working (I don't necessarily hate the work - I'd just rather spend time w/ my kiddos), I have a pretty good life. I love my family & that's really all that matters!

Whew - one full week down!

Wow! I've completed a full week of work... Its been a doozy as I catch up on my old training articles & experiments. In a way I LOVE this type of work b/c its closer to my research roots than my actual job is. However, I've read all these articles before & done all these experiments before too, so its a bit dull. However, I'm trying to keep an open mind & not refer to my old notes too much!

The kids had a great week too I think. They were at my mother-in-law's Monday & Tuesday. It was the 1st time she had them both at the same time. It was also the first time she had Rachel w/o me there! I think she was quite exhausted by the time Tuesday afternoon came around! Then mom had them by themselves until today. So they got lots of individualized attention this week! Next week they'll be at my mother-in-law's together on Monday, then they'll get split between my husband's father & his mother (they're divorced & both remarried) for Tuesday. Then my mom will have them the rest of the week.

Rachel is taking to eating rice cereal like a champ. I think I'm going to try to make some mashed bananas tomorrow from the almost ruined ones we bought last weekend. I'm going to look for an online recipe b/c I'm not 100% sure if I just mash them, or if I need to add some kind of fluid (formula?) to them too.

We're trying to start potty-training Simon this weekend. I'm not sure its going to work. I had him in regular underwear tonight & he peed in them twice in a row! He's just not really understanding. He's also *really* sensitive about being scolded for wetting his pants. So I'm trying to make it so I only praise him, but he's never actually used the potty in my house. He did it yesterday for mom though. So, hopefully he'll figure it out quickly!

Busy time

Well, I think I'm back in the swing of work fairly well. I've experienced 3 work days & 1 day of court. I expected to be nervous about court since I've been off work since August, but it was a breeze. The case was not a fun one (none of mine are, but this one was particularly icky), but I have to say I've gotten really good at note-taking & report-writing since I first started case work. Even w/o being in the 'groove' so-to-speak of case-work, I completely understood everything I did even though it was 2008 case.

However, between all my activities at home & work, I don't have the time or energy to keep up w/ much internet. The kids are doing well. They spend the first of the week w/ Andrew's mom and dad (plus their respective spouses) - one w/ each set. Then the rest of the week they're w/ my mom. Simon is talking up a storm. Rachel is eating 'solid' foods now - rice cereal. I gave her 1 tablespoon of semi-thick cereal tonight (instead of doing the no-no & giving in the bottle) and she scarfed it. Well, she's not completely got the gist of it all staying in her mouth, but she leans into the spoon.

I'm so sick... American Idol (I don't watch usually) was on tonight & they're doing 'Idol Gives Back'. However, they conveniently forget to mention that several (if not all) of the organizations they're giving 'aid' to support abortions. Some of these organization even support coerced abortions. Almost all abortion organizations support uneducated abortions. How disgusting!

What doesn't kill you...

... Makes you stronger? Well, I guess that slogan/old saw fits me. The cancer didn't kill me (thank God) and some would argue it did make me stronger. However, I'm not sure if it made me a stronger worker... Work today wasn't a complete bust. I just don't feel like I'm getting much accomplished. I've got endless manual revisions to read (yes, I work for the government, so everything seems to change like the weather) and I'm having a hard time concentrating on the material. I understand (and remember) most of it (except for the completely new stuff), but I want to be *doing* something. Hopefully, its just a matter of time b/4 I get my proficiency back (I have to take at least one proficiency test).

I found a good outfit to wear today, so I wasn't self-conscious at all. Its also refreshing to see more female faces in the work-place! When I left there were 3 women in the whole lab (2 of whom are admins in the front area) out of about 10 of us (I think I'm counting right). Now there are a total of 5!!! Go girls!!! One of my co-workers (a guy) was even in the local paper today for testifying in a murder trial. He was even quoted & they spelled his name right!

If I found a supplier/printer for a collection of shirts w/ the slogan on it of "I FOUGHT like a Girl & WON!" w/ the option of having a pink ribbon or our teal & pink ribbon - would any of you be interested? I don't have prices yet, but its just a matter of time. I even thought of having an option added for the teal & pink ribboned ones that said something like "Unwilling but Active member of the BRCA sisterhood" on the back.

My last day...

Why is it that not only do I hate the way this new me looks, I hate the emotions that have apparently come with it. I've always been OCD & bummed when things didn't go my way, but never to the point of tears! However, today has just been one of those days. I have no idea what to wear tomorrow - especially in light of my obvious bra-less-ness. Wasn't cancer enough to deal with?

Today wasn't a super day. It started out well enough. Simon & Rachel were great as we piddled around the house this morning. Simon playing w/ his trucks and tractors - Rachel sleeping & giggling randomly. Then once we got in the car it all broke down... I backed my car into Andrew's tractor & put a dent and scrape in my 2009 Dodge Caliber's rear bumper. Then we got to mom's & she wasn't ready to go (I was really early) & Lukas was crying. Then Rachel started crying (at the top of her lungs). Simon joined the group b/c he wouldn't comply w/ a simple request to stay in the house. Mom trotted upstairs to get ready & I was ready to pull what little hair I have (although its growing more every day) before we even left.

Then we got to mom's oncology appointment & were in the waiting room for almost and hour & half. With 3 kids - two babes in arms, it was a struggle. While we were in there Rachel had a diaper malfunction and I got liquid gooey poop on my pants. Not to mention the continual spit-up she kept launching at me. Lukas was actually pretty good once mom put him to sleep & put him back in his car-seat. Simon was pretty good too - doing his comic routine for all the cancer patients (and their family members/friends) in the waiting room.

I needed a chocolate fix, so we went to Dairy Queen. I chose their new blizzard - Ooey Gooey Caramel Brownie... I was disappointed. I expected a LOT more caramel and a lot less big flat chunks of chocolate. The ride home was fairly uneventful... Simon fell asleep w/ his ice-cream cone apparently in mid-lick (mom got several photos).

Then since I was frazzled & mom was generous (as usual) I left the kids w/ her & went home. Andrew was home & I was hoping that meant wonderful (or at least good) things for me, but he was asleep on the couch & never even moved while I walked through the house & in & out several times. I know better than to try to wake him - he's like a bear coming out of hibernation early. So I stayed solitary & read on the front porch.

The good news of the afternoon is that my court for tomorrow is cancelled - the defendants (all 3 of them) apparently decided to plead guilty (yippee)! So tomorrow gets to be a 'normal' work-day! I'm still feeling out of sorts though. I think I've got my clothing situation ok for tomorrow... Its just the rest of my working life that I'm unsure about (at least until I'm allowed to wear bras again). Geez... Well, I need to get off here & go to bed for my early day tomorrow. Wish me luck - I think I'm going to need it!

Last day of freedom...

Well, tomorrow I start work. My very first day will be spent at court. It shouldn't be too bad though since its just chain of custody. Of course, I've not been able to review any of my documentation, but that should only take me a few minutes!

Today the kids & I are going with mom to her 3 month oncologist appointment. She's also going to have Lukas. We'll probably grab a bite to eat & pick one store to shop. Then we'll make our way home.

One of the foobs has moved closer to under my arm-pit (the left one). I also noticed that the right one has rotated about 180 degrees... Don't know what I did, but they're apparently not content to stay in one place. Makes me glad the plastic surgeon is wanting to use round implants. That way they can rotate around at will. The biggest problem will be if they migrate towards my arm-pits. The scabbed areas on the right are finally shrinking too. The main scab went from the size of a nickel to where its now about 1/2 a centimeter by 1 cm (rectangular).

However, I am disappointed to find out that all this time I've been going bra-less its been obvious. No one told me until yesterday when I was talking about how to dress for work. So I've been to church, concerts (religious ones), town, doctors appointments, etc all while it was obvious I wasn't wearing a bra. I was self-conscious enough, but now I'm going to be worse b/c I'm still not allowed to wear a bra (don't want to compromise circulation in any way or irritate the scab to where it comes off prematurely). However, it would have been nice to know earlier so I could at least prepare &/or figure out which shirts do the best job of disguising my bra-less-ness. Sigh... If its not one thing I don't like about my new body, its another. :-(

Unfeeling can sometimes be a good thing!

I got to thinking last night as I watched a couple of my scabs pull this way & that, that sometimes its truly a blessing to not have feeling in my new foobs right now! I'm still having LOTS of trouble w/ that tissue on the right side & the incision line. The tissue's scab is hanging on by what seems to be a thread. I took a shower to make sure it was clean last night & as the water poured over it (moving it slightly) I was profoundly glad I can't feel it! You know how scabs that are just barely hanging in there feel - right? They feel AWFUL! However, except for some shooting pains occasionally, I can't feel my foobs. I can feel pressure on my rib cage & muscles, but otherwise, its not even like the feeling you get at the dentist's office. Its the complete absence of feeling - not numbness - if that makes sense. Right now I think its probably a blessing! :-D

The kids are still snotty (both behavior & noses)! ;-) It seems Rachel's skin is improving, but her nose & cough are not. Poor thing. I put her to bed early tonight b/c she just seemed so miserable. Simon's still hanging in there. He's really trying to feel better - even to the point of saying "feel better" to himself. He's also gotten *really* good at blowing his nose! It was so funny today... We were at mom's w/ Abby, Sarah, & Lukas. Abby was playing house w/ Simon & Sarah - Simon was the daddy and Sarah was the baby (she'll actually lay down & take a 'nap' for Abby). Both Abby & Simon have play cell phones. So Abby 'called' Simon and asked him what he wanted for supper. Simon's answer was "pork chops" w/o prompting at all! Mom & I just looked at each other & giggled. So guess what I made tonight??? Pork chops! :-D

Electric day!

Well, today was apparently a bad day for everyone! All the kids were cranky & whiney. To try to help mom out & get Simon to take a better nap I brought my 2 home around 1pm. I didn't/don't feel 100%. I tried to have all three of us nap simultaneously, but of course, that never works out... First Rachel wouldn't sleep. Then once we (Rachel & I) got to sleep, Simon woke up crying. Andrew didn't get home from work until 8pm. Its been crazy.

Rachel's rash is looking better though. We've been using the steroid cream from the doctor - for another week - since Monday night. I'm also only bathing her on alternate nights in Aveeno oatmeal baths. Tonight was an off night for the bath! She's eating well, but now her nose is runny! Geez, these allergies are hitting hard this year!

Simon's nose is *still* doing its crazy dripping. He's still coughing too. I'm pretty sure its just allergies w/ him too. Last night he was coughing so hard from post-nasal drip that he was gagging himself. Of course, I also think he's going through a super-sensitive-gag-reflex time. Its kind of obvious though that he's just kind of miserable. We watched some TV (Cars, Big Foot, & Chuggington) and colored some pictures (a Mater print out & a free-hand tractor-disk-Mustang Cobra combination).

I don't really know what's up with me. I'm just absolutely exhausted. Partly I know its b/c I stay on the computer too late at night, but its the only opportunity I get. Its also partly probably allergies - my eyes are itchy, my throat gets sort of achy every once in a while, etc. Plus, for some reason I keep having shooting pains where I have no feeling - in the foobs. I'm also having some trouble getting to sleep. I toss & turn & try to get comfortable for a long time. A good portion of that is b/c I'm still not able to sleep on my stomach like I want to do.